


Struggle

by Africanwilderness



Series: Alexandra Cabot: Strength of Character [2]
Category: Conviction (TV 2006), Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Awkward Crush, Developing Relationship, F/F, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, References to Illness, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Stalker, Trauma, identity crisis, office politics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2019-11-29 11:17:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 27
Words: 43,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18222425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Africanwilderness/pseuds/Africanwilderness
Summary: Alex struggles after leaving witness protection.Can be read as a stand alone fiction, or in conjunction with Part 1.Chapter 27 up!





	1. Free Fallin'

Alex hates days like these. When her cases are up to date, several times over, allowing her tightly controlled mind to veer off on a distinctively uncomfortable tangent... 

 _Stop!_ She silently chastises, forcing herself up from her desk chair before she snaps the pencil in her iron grip. Alex begins to pace her office, before she catches herself. She looks out to her fledgling counsellors, deeply immersed in their work. Still, she lowers the blinds, not wanting her subordinates thinking the Ice Queen is anything but cool, calm, collected. 

Once the blinds shield her from view, Alex feels a sharp pang of relief at this small privacy.  

She knows how people look at her, talk about her: 

 _Isn’t_ _she_ _the ADA who got shot_ _?_  

 _No wonder_ _she’s_ _such an aloof bitch after._ _.._  

 _No,_ _she’_ _s always_ _been an_ _aloof_ _bitch_ _._  

_Does she ever show any emotions besides that resting bitch face?_

_Wonder what her scar looks like._ _.._  

 _She’s changed._  

 _Ice Queen.._ _._  

Alex shakes her head, her flaxen mane spilling over her shoulders, as she tries to stem these unhelpful thoughts.  

 _One... inhale... two... exhale... three..._  

It’s not working. She unbuttons her collar, suddenly feeling hot, constricted. _Just breathe Cabot. Breathe!_

She hates the flood of helplessness, of shame that consumes her, every time these feelings force themselves on her. She loosens yet more buttons and fans her shirt out to try to lessen the weight constricting her struggling lungs.  

Alex stops pacing, knowing the action is quickening her rioting heart. She notices the tremor in her hands as she lifts a glass of water, hoping the cool liquid will still her anxiety.  

It doesn’t. _Think Cabot. Think!_ She tries, desperate to halt her panic before she completely loses herself.  

If only her colleagues knew the iron-willed Alexandra Cabot is only ever a hairs breath away from a debilitating panic attack.  

An idea strikes her. _Paper bag..._ _it’s got to work... TV shows..._  

She reaches for her lunch bag, emptying the contents haphazardly before placing it over her nose and mouth, taking as deep a breath as her nerves will allow.  

It calms her surging adrenaline only slightly.  

 _Fuck!_ She throws her glasses on to her desk and pinches the bridge of her nose.  

 _I’m not dying... this will pass... just... breathe..._  

Her body glistens with sweat as she parks herself on the couch and lowers her head between her legs, in one last futile attempt to stop herself passing out.  

 _Not here... please... not here..._ _breathe... Cab..._ _ot_ _..._  

Passing out at home was one thing. Passing out here, at work, close to people who look up to her unwavering, iron control, would humiliate Alex beyond comprehension.  

 _One... inhale... two... exhale..._  

As she tries desperately to keep the darkness from invading her senses, Alex starts flicking the ever present hairband at her wrist, hoping, praying this will jolt her back to reality. 

But the world around her is slowing down; the deafening thud of her own heart beat, her only companion.  

 _No... return..._ _oh God... no!_  

The darkness seeps into her blurred vision, slowly but surely blinding and muffling her senses until...

 

-+-+-+-+ 

 

Her eyes flutter open, her head hammering, her mind disorientated.  

Dawning suddenly hits, the clarity invading her senses like a knife to the gut. Alex dry heaves, leaning forward reflexively as her stomach revolts against her. She raises a shaky hand to her brow, wiping the sheen of sweat that has accumulated there.  

Alex reacclimatizes to her current state, her current environment. 

 _I’m not dead... breathe... in... out..._  

 _No one saw this..._  

Alex uses the arm of the couch to lever herself up; her nausea threatening again as she near stumbles to her desk.  

 _What time is it? s_ he asks silently, her heart instantly jumping with panic once more, as she checks her computer clock. 

 _3:30_ _... must have been out less than five minutes_ , she breathes a sigh of relief, knowing with certainty that she hasn’t missed any meetings. No one would have noticed her absence in five minutes. She breathes in deeply, searching for and finding a pocket mirror in her attaché bag.  

She looks at herself fleetingly. Disgust fills her veins at the obvious fear, pain and lack of control staring back at her. Alex snaps it shut and throws it back in her bag. 

She’s a mess and she knows it. _I’ve lost it. I’m losing my mind_ , she chastises feebly before catching herself; hating the insipid shadows of self pity. 

Alex threads her fingers thru her golden locks, trying to figure out how to slip out of here without being noticed, caught, outed. _S_ _hit!_ She knows she’ll have to pass too many suspicious glances, too many wagging tongues that will make up any number of fictional scenarios the minute she’s out of ear shot. _F_ _uck!_  

A knock at the door splinters her nerves. Her head snaps up at the unwelcome intrusion as she quickly attempts to brush herself into some semblance of normal. 

‘Come in,’ she finally responds, knowing certain people will force the door if she doesn’t reply near immediately. Alex _hates_ how they do that, though she feigns unaffected annoyance at best. _Don’t show them any emotions because one will lead to another. Ic_ _e Queen._  

Jim Steele pokes his head through the door. ‘Hi,’ he says, walking in and closing the door behind him.  

Alex gives him a cool, wary glance in welcome. 

‘I just wanted to check in on you. You’re still newly back and with the blinds... I thought...’ he confesses as Alex swallows thickly, hating that he, and everyone else, keeps asking her if she’s okay.  

It’s not only an intrusion into her personal life, but the sheer fact so many people, most of them acquaintances at best, feel it’s their right to pry because her face was unwillingly on the front page of every national newspaper.  

 _Slain ADA..._  

 _I_ _s_ _my_ _state of mind that obvious? s_ he takes a breath. 

‘Jim, I accepted this post because I’m certified fit for duty,’ she states coldly, her tone radiating: back off. 

His bosses response leaves Jim open mouthed with embarrassment. ‘I’m sorry Alex.’ He taps her desk with the file in his hand, as he stares at her a moment too long.  

Alex’s hackles rise. ‘Anything else?’ she retorts too sharply. 

Jim turns away and swallows his ready counter, realising it’s best not to poke _T_ _he Cabot_ today. 

‘That Roderick case...’ 

 

-+-+-+-+

 

Alex finally walks through her door at 10:40 that evening. The Roderick case had been severely underworked, resulting in Jim hurriedly calling a recess to save the young counsellor, and so the DA's office, from completely losing face. 

It was only once Jim left her office that Alex realised she hadn't buttoned up or tucked in her shirt post-panic. She quickly deduced she hadn't completely embarrassed herself, but she was still shaken by the fact her subordinate had seen more flesh then he deserved.

She shakes her head to clear her mind of work, Jim, today.  

Alex realises she’s exhausted, as she checks her answerphone. Three from Arthur Branch requesting a call back in the morning, one from Jim about the Roderick case and finally, inevitably, one holding the voice of Olivia Benson. 

Alex falls into the nearest chair on hearing the dulcet tones of her ex-colleague and friend enquiring, as she always did, as to her welfare.  

Olivia had somehow found out Alex was no longer in witness protection after Liam Conners was extradited to Ireland.  

_God knows how she found out._

The shame of not telling Liv herself, as well as the very real humiliation that she was struggling to hold herself together, left Alex with an unenviable dilemma of wanting to see the detective with every fibre of her soul, but being mortified at the thought of the razor sharp Olivia Benson detecting the slightest hint of unease in her, that she would no doubt surmise within milliseconds of hearing or seeing her.  

 _No. It’s not_ _going_ _to happen_. Though, Alex had to admit the likelihood of bumping into the detective had risen significantly on her appointment as EADA for the homicide decision.  

Alex rubbed her temple to try to ease the pressure agonising her as she hits the delete button. To do otherwise would lead to hours of pressing the replay button until her muscles screamed for her to unfold herself.  

 _Pathetic_. 

She ignores the other messages as she forces herself out of the obsessive listening chair.  

Alex discards her coat and bag on the counter top, before she looks in the sparse fridge out of habit, her appetite non-existent.  

Alex returns to her jacket and finds what she’s really looking for. A habit from her sophomore days has come back to comfort her. She takes a cigarette and lights it with her zippo. She hates smoking, _hates_ it. But somehow, inhaling the toxic fumes of thousands of noxious chemicals seems apt given her current, self-destructive state.  

Alex doesn’t even bother to find a chair. Instead, she slowly slips down to the tiled kitchen floor, morbidly enjoying this societally accepted brand of self-harm. 

She crosses her endless legs, starting slightly when her maine coon licks her bare elbow.  

‘Hello cat,’ she breathes, petting him softly. Her reason for living, right there in her lap.  

A memory glides into her conscious of the time Liv came to her apartment. It only happened once. Liv desperately needed a warrant and Alex hadn’t been picking up her calls, causing the detective to worry.  

Seeing Olivia Benson on her doorstep, whilst Alex was dressed in nothing but a night gown, sleepy and unthinking, left both women speechless for several heartbeats.  

Taco escaped through the gap left by Alex's surprised haze, causing Olivia to run after him, down the hall, her stride that of an athlete as she cornered and returned said escapee with relative ease; breaking the awkwardness of moments before.  

The look of almost childish glee and pride on her face when she passed Taco back to his mother, almost broke Alex’s resolve.  

Alex had never invited Olivia back. _Ever_. 

Suddenly, Alex wished she hadn’t deleted the detective's message so swiftly.  

 _Shit!_  

She stubs out her cigarette and moves her buddle of fur so she can get up; her muscles aching from the cold, hard tiles.  

‘From tomorrow, no more thoughts of dying, panic attacks or Olivia Benson!’ Alex admonishes herself. ‘Get a grip!’ 

She glides to her bedroom, knowing _only_ one thing will still her mind for maybe two seconds. She searches through several shoe boxes until she finds the one she’s looking for, nestled deeply in the very recesses of her walk in closet. Alex opens the lid, her eyes scanning the contents, a flush warming her cheeks as she removes her most secret book: _Tipping the Velvet_. 

  

-+-+-+-+

 

‘You’re losing weight, Alex,’ Arthur Branch states factually causing her to bite her tongue, silencing the ready rebuttal. Lashing out at her boss is not only foolhardy but will feed into his very unsubtle enquiry into her welfare.  

Alex remains quiet, surprised by Arthur’s direct observation, _and_ the fact he’s looking closely enough to notice.  

Realising he's not going to get a response, Arthur continues in the same, awkward vein. ‘I’ve received several reports about how you conduct yourself around the office, or rather, that you don’t. And when certain colleagues _do_ approach you, they say you are either aloof or bite their heads off.’ Alex continues to gaze at her boss, unmoving, though her insides are drowning in mortification. ‘I know I took a risk...’ _A risk?!_ ‘... offering you this position, after... everything...’ _Don’t_ _you dare..._ Alex’s mind screams silently. ‘... but something isn’t right Alex,’ he finishes the humiliating speech with even more soul-destroying sympathy in his eyes.  

Again, Alex doesn’t trust herself to speak; her exquisite face bearing none of her inner turmoil. 

‘Have you got any support, Alex?’ The way Arthur tilts his head in empathy, his voice soft and condescending, is almost Alex’s undoing.  

‘Are you firing me Arthur?’ Alex finally speaks, her voice clipped and hostile.  

The DA immediately puts his hands up defensively. ‘No. You’re the best attorney this side of the Atlantic,’ he says, quickly, his awkwardness painfully apparent. ‘But, if you don’t seek help in the next two days, I’ll be putting your name forward for group therapy.’ 

 _There it is_ _;_ _the endgame to this whole charade of a conversation. Gr_ _oup therapy?!_ Alex couldn’t think of anything worse.   

She loathes that her cheeks are starting to flush in anger, her jaw clenched to breaking point. Alexandra Cabot’s tells are on show and Arthur, to his credit, isn’t shying away from her formidably icy gaze.  

‘Group therapy?’ she growls. 

‘Yes,’ Arthur answers, not backing down. 

‘You can’t force me,’ Alex argues, her tone suddenly desperate. 

‘I wish I didn’t have to corner you like this but you’re not well. It’s obvious you’re _not_ well, Alex,’ her boss admits bravely, knowing his subordinate is a tightly wound spring. 

Alex stands from her desk, non-verbally telling Arthur that this impromptu visit is over. The older man graciously stands, knowing he has violated enough of her boundaries for one day. 

‘I’m sorry Alex. But two days,’ he warns, on his way out. 

As soon as Arthur’s out of sight, Alex digs her nails into her palms until they bleed; the physical pain welcome and superseding her emotional torment, for a time at least. 

 

-+-+-+-+ 

 

Two days later  

Alex strides into her office, her head down to avoid catching anyone’s eye. She notices an envelope on her desk immediately, causing her to groan inwardly. She puts her bag down and shrugs off her coat before recognising Arthurs scribble.  

 _Shit!_ Alex shuts her eyes momentarily as dawning hits. She tears at the envelope, finding a registered booking card with her name embossed on it, for tonight with a women’s support group called Fe, Fi and Foe.  

 _Oh, for fucks sake!!_ _Perhaps_ _they’ll give me some magic beans_ _too!?_  

Alex almost rips it in two before remembering what Arthur stipulated. Attend or fired.  

 _Fuck!_ She hates everything and everyone in this moment. Self-pity grips her as she swears at God, fate, Liam Conners, for the bullet that almost killed her; for each and every consequence prior and since.  

But losing Liv had been the hardest knock of all. Alex couldn’t leave without letting the detective know she was alive, that her heart was still beating, for her, because of her.  

Alex will always remember the look in those chocolate brown eyes when Liv realised she was alive. _God,_ the risk had been worth it. She recognised _something_ in those warm, loving orbs.  

 _Was it love? Or just a friends_ _heart-warming realisation_ _at_ _seeing me alive,_ _back from the dead?_  

 _Dead..._  

Alex focuses her mind on the card in front of her, her body trembling slightly. _Group therapy?!_  

 

-+-+-+-+

 

Alex arrives early, as she always does. She’s been drawing on all her googled breathing techniques to get herself in the car, let alone succeeding in finding and stopping at her destination.  

 _Jesus!_ Her hands grip the steering wheel fiercely, her body and mind desperate for escape. _Taco_. A smile creeps to Alex’s lips despite herself. 

Her cell suddenly buzzes. _Arthur_. It takes all of Alex's strength not to throw the offending item out the window.  

‘Cabot,’ she answers curtly, unable to keep her anger from her tone. 

‘Are you there?’ 

‘I’m not a child Arthur,’ Alex breathes, her body seething. 

‘I’m doing this for your own good,’ her boss explains unnecessarily. ‘It's one past seven. Decision time counsellor...’ 

Alex hangs up, beyond caring that she just dismissed her own boss. 

She looks at herself in the rear-view mirror, checking that her insanely casual, as far away as you can get from Alexandra Cabot hoody covers her features, her hair doing the rest.  

 _Fuck it!_ She slowly opens the drivers door and puts foot to tarmac before she loses her nerve. She quickly scurries into the building, paranoid she may bump into someone she knows.  

Once inside, she locates the room easily; a beacon of light showing her the way, the other rooms dark and unoccupied.  

She parks herself in a free seat nearest the door, the seating in a circular formation.  

Alex keeps her eyes trained on the floor, not initiating contact with anyone. Not wanting any interaction whatsoever. She crunches in her seat, praying she’s invisible. 

‘Welcome to Fe, Fi, Foe. I’m Pamela, the group coordinator. I wonder if you would be willing to introduce yourself to the group.’ 

 _No_ _._ _Back_ _off_ _!_ Every inch of her body is cringing in mortified embarrassment and shame.  

‘Okay. You don’t have to say anything. Just thank you for having the courage to come,’ Pamela gets the message quickly. ‘Who wishes to share today?’ 

Alex doesn’t notice an array of hands shoot into the air, her eyes transfixed on a tiny pebble on the hall floor. 

‘Olivia. Thanks for wanting to share. Please, the room is yours...’ 

Alex’s eyes lift slightly on hearing the name, the heart-achingly beautiful name. 

‘I’m Olivia. I’m a detective, sex crimes, and I am a survivor of sexual assault by a prison guard whilst working undercover...'


	2. Comfort Blanket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The support group continues...

Alex’s insides ignite at the sound of her former friends voice, at the meaning of her words. Anger scotches her every nerve-ending as she...

‘Thank you, Olivia,’ Pamela’s booming voice cuts through Alex’s haze. ‘Would anyone like to say anything?’

 _Yes, I fucking would!_ Alex yells internally. _I’m sorry for being the biggest bitch since Lassie. I’m sorry that I’m a coward, that I listen to your voicemails, every night, over and over again, without having the decency to acknowledge them. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you. I'm sorry for what happened to you! I'd kill for you! I’m sorry that I’m terrified of you, of your effect on me. I can’t let you in... I can’t..._

Alex suddenly feels eyes on her, specifically chocolate brown.

‘Would you like to say something?’ Pamela’s grating voice enquires hopefully as Alex realises she must have muttered something. She folds in on herself, mortified that her lips disobeyed her. _Shit! Did I just voice all that?_

'Okay,’ Pamela commands the room once more. ‘In that case, thank you Olivia, for being brave in sharing your story. Is this the first time you have spoken of what happened?’

Alex, eyes focused on that same tiny pebble, notes a pause before Olivia’s voice fills the room, and Alex’s every fibre, again.

‘Yes. My colleague thought... still thinks he got to me in time. He didn't...’ _Oh Liv._

 _Stop being such a self-centred asshole!_ Alex chastises herself, wishing she had seen beyond the words on her answer machine. Her friend was silently seeking her help, and Alex completely ignored her.

Pathetically, she places her head in her hands for the remainder of this torturous how ever long. _It feels like forever_.

As soon as Pamela’s voice permeates every corner of the room, Alex's body primes itself to escape. _Run!_

‘... everybody. Hope to see you _all_ next week.’

The others start moving so quickly, Alex doesn’t have the chance to bolt without being swamped. _Same idea, dammit..._ Instead, she stays routed to her seat, hoping Pamela and, more importantly, Olivia make a quick exit.

She senses a body sit in the empty seat next to her. _Fuck off!_

The body remains quiet, anonymous, patient, waiting for Alex to grow frustrated, or unnerved, enough to unfurl herself.

Eventually, Alex is forced to do just that; the body next to her unmoved and apparently prepared to wait indefinitely.

Alex exhales a frustrated breath as she straightens up in her seat, her naturally elegant poise immediately returning. Her back and shoulders will ache tomorrow from the tension and unnatural position she’s held for what feels like days.

Alex finally glances toward the silent presence next to her, hoping yet not hoping to find chocolate brown eyes gazing back.

Her heart gives out when she realises those warm, gentle orbs are gazing into her soul. She swallows thickly, hoping she won’t make anymore of a fool of herself as those intuitive orbs take in her entirety; an eyebrow arched at her very un-Alexandra-Cabot-like attire. The attorney averts her eyes from those intoxicating, chocolate depths, ashamed.

She blushes crimson when a whimper escapes her lips, against her will. _For fucks sake, Cabot!_

Olivia leans forward in her seat, resting her elbows on her knees as she turns away to give Alex a minute.

Minutes of silence pass as Alex closes and reopens her eyes, hoping, praying that Olivia is _truly_ here, sat beside her.

Eventually, in the battle of wills, someone inevitably folds. ‘Are you really here or am I dreaming?’ Olivia's voice breaks the growing void.

Alex snorts slightly, amazed her former friend has asked the very question on the tip of her own tongue. ‘Olivia...’

‘Don’t Alex,’ she interrupts her. ‘I understand, okay? I understand,’ Olivia states comfortingly.

Alex shakes her head. _How can you?_ ‘How... How can you even look at me?’ Alex can’t help asking as she finally turns her body to face Olivia head on.

Allowing herself to _see_ Olivia for the first time in three years takes her breath away. The detective has lost none of her beauty; her skin still smooth and heart-warmingly sun-kissed, her eyes as stunning and intelligent as ever. _Jesus Cabot! Get a grip!_

She withdraws slightly, disgusted that her body is currently aroused whilst her former friend has just _disclosed_ a heinous act committed against her _AND_ made the courageous decision to stay, in an attempt to reconnect with her.

‘I’m sorry Liv,’ Alex breathes, unconsciously using her nickname, the feel of it natural and easy on her tongue. Her apology is weighted, all-encompassing.

Olivia shifts in her seat, threading a hand through her hair. Alex remembers the nervous tic, having wished to feel those very fibres between her fingers, a thousand times over.

‘How about we go for a drink somewhere?’ Olivia suggests, surprising Alex.

The detective can tell immediately that the attorney is not fond of the idea. Alex bites her lip when she's trying to silence a ready refusal. Olivia shakes her head to rid herself of the memory. Alex stares at her sole roommate in confusion.

‘Perhaps not,’ the detective surmises, an edge of sadness in her tone.

Olivia gets up and stretches her legs, making Alex remember how she used those powerful thighs to chase down Taco.

This time Alex smiles quietly, causing Olivia to wonder what she’s thinking, not for the first time.

‘Will you be coming again?’ the detective tries, wondering where _her_ Alex Cabot, the gutsy, fearless and formidable Alexandra Cabot, is hiding.

Alex lifts her head to meet Olivia’s gaze. _There she is._

‘Will you?’

‘Yes.’

‘Then definitely maybe,’ Alex replies, brushing non-existent fluff from her slacks before standing, herself.

Chocolate brown meet cloudy blue. ‘I’ve missed you,’ Olivia admits as she continues to hold Alex's gaze.

The attorney takes a steadying breath, knowing her emotions will utterly implode if she doesn’t leave soon. ‘I think... I think I better...’

‘Sure,’ Olivia replies, immediately wanting her former friend to be as comfortable as possible. This causes Alex's heart beat to spike to breaking point, as she fights the urge to fold herself into Olivia's arms. She knows the detective would hold her... _Stop it!_

‘I’m going,’ Alex finally steps away from her former friend, her only reason for existing.

‘You’ve got my number if you ever want to chat, not chat but have company; you know?’ Olivia offers another olive branch, whilst also reminding Alex of her failed attempts to contact her.

The least Alex could do was acknowledge this. ‘I do. I’m sorry I haven’t...’

‘As I said, I get it Lex. Just...’ Olivia falters, unsure of herself. ‘... would you prefer I didn’t?’

 _No! Your messages (and Taco) are the only things that have given me purpose since leaving witness protection!_  A multitude of expressions flitter across Alex’s generally mute features. But the feeling most apparent, to Olivia, is desperation.

Without waiting, Olivia simply states, ‘I’ll continue leaving messages until you don’t turn up to group. Fair?’ Alex's heart falls ever deeper at the power of her former friends intuitive empathy.

‘Fair,’ _and clever!_

‘I hope to see you next week Lex,’ Olivia says as she backs away to check all the windows. Olivia using her nickname, the one person to call her Lex, makes Alex melt to the floor.

‘You run this group?’ Alex’s brain finally engages, as she watches Olivia check everything three times before turning the lights off.

‘No. I just help Pamela sometimes when she’s got another group straight after,’ she explains as they unconsciously walk out of the centre together.

As Olivia posts the spare keys back through the letter box, Alex finds herself waiting for her. _What are you doing Cabot?_

Olivia gives her a surprised smirk, thinking Alex would’ve used the time it took to brutally force the keys through, to escape. Olivia wanted to give her that opportunity.

‘So...’ the detective starts, at a loss as to what Alex may want.

‘I better go,’ the attorney suggests eventually.

‘Okay,’ Olivia responds, never wanting to force someone to stay in her company, especially someone she... ‘I’ll leave a message tonight,’ she promises, wanting to catch a final glimpse of Alex’s face, in case she disappears for another three years; perhaps forever.

The attorney turns before Olivia can read her reaction to her promise. The lead weight around her heart is suddenly suffocating, as she watches the woman of her life walk away.

 

That night, at 11:07pm, after hours of pathetic waiting, Olivia makes good on her promise:

‘Hi Lex, just calling to tell you that _even_ those uber casual clothes look good on you! I’m jealous!’ Alex allows the smile to break across her face unimpeded. ‘And, also to say good night, so good night.’

_Succinct, thoughtful and adorable. Yes, she’s still my Olivia Benson._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To continue, or not to continue, that is the question?


	3. Swerving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex's trials continue.

The clock reads 2:46am. Alex turns over, furious at herself for her open-eyed desire. It makes a change from the nightmares, the night-sweats, the 2am panic attacks. But, the missed hours clock up all the same.  

 _Fuck's_ _sake!_ Alex chides herself, flinging the covers off and getting out of bed, knowing sleep won’t grace her tonight.  

She rubs her eyes absentmindedly as her thoughts go back to those chocolate brown eyes, full of concern and the slightest hint of betrayal. _Betrayal_. Alex helped put that look into Olivia’s doe eyes, by letting her down.  

Alex knew she’d betrayed her by not noticing the detective’s calls were more than just an olive branch; by ignoring her silent pleas. _Olivia needed my help and I was too_ _self-_ _absorbed to realise._ Alex turns swiftly on her heel, pacing her bedroom. _Well done, Cabot. Another failure to add to your list!_ She turns again. _But,_ _Liv_ _still wants to speak to me,_ _to_ _leave messages for me... Typical Olivia Benson... a puppy who keeps coming back no matter how many times she’s kicked... But why? And why was she there?_ _Had she and Arthur been talking..? Stop being so self-obsessed, Cabot! Jesus Christ!_  

Alex has had enough. She walks to her answer machine and presses the replay button...

‘Hi Lex, just calling to tell you that _even_ those uber casual clothes look good on you! I’m jealous! And, also to say        good night, so good night.’

The message; so short, yet so sincere. _If there_ _’_ _s one thing_ _about Olivia, other t_ _han her_ _stubborn resolve,_ _her_ _compassion, her..._ _it’s her sincerity._ _God!_ Alex covers her face with her hands, suddenly uncertain whether her obvious obsession with the detective is any better than her self-diagnosed PTSD.  

The attorney had known. Of course she had know; from the moment she started avoiding the streets, the sidewalks at night, black SUVs at any time. _Oh yes,_ Alex has always known.  

Though she might be extremely intelligent, Alex is yet to seek specialist help for her condition. _The idea of anyone finding out_ _I’m_ _attending a women’s support group, let alone seeing a psychiatrist..._ _Jesus_ _!_  

The attorney storms out of her room, scaring Taco in the process, who leaps from the bed and scurries to the shadows. Alex, too focused on escaping the confines of her apartment, fails to notice. 

Only once she’s in the elevator, does Alex realise how ridiculous she’s being. _From t_ _he frying pan_ _into_ _the fire..._ She catches sight of herself in the mirror. _..._ _in a_ _fucking_ _night gown! I’m going insane!_  

She watches the elevator doors open and close, as she presses her floor number and ascends her apartment building once more, relieved no one has witnessed her bizarre behaviour.  

 _This has to stop!_ Alex reprimands herself as she unlocks her apartment door and nearly falls over Taco. She scoops him up in her arms and carries him to the kitchen. She strokes his head several times before putting him down, his body weight feeling near equal to hers, and pours herself a glass of water. The attorney watches the glass shake in her hand. She slams it down on the countertop without drinking a drop. _Fuck!_  

Alex's anger multiples as she seethes at her own pathetic-ness. _Where's_ _the fucking ice queen now... huh... boys?_  

The boys, meaning most boys, constantly ribbed her about her icy, unapproachable demeanour; calling her a lesbian, a dyke ( _which, if they’d had two brain cells,_ _they’d_ _have_ _realised_ _were the same thing_ ), a bitch, frigid, a cock tease.  

Alex had heard them all over the years, never interested in the jocks and college sports stars who tried to steal her innocence. One almost succeeded; spiking her drink at the senior year prom. Only the actions of a brave friend saved her.  

Alex closes her eyes briefly, counting to ten, knowing in her heart, the dark, the SUVs, the sidewalks aren’t her only haunts.  

This was part of the reason she had applied for the ADA post at SVU, nine years before.  

 _SVU..._ Alex will always remember the first time her eyes drank in the sight of Detective Olivia Benson. Her shortish hair, choppy at the back, her chocolate brown eyes focused on a case file, her cheekbones strong and her jaw clenching as she perused a statement, detailing the darkest side of the human condition.  

Alex caught herself staring so looked to Cragen, the Captain, who was filling the team in on a lead; a lead, like so many she was to realise, _required_ a warrant. Stat. 

Alex smiles softly, shaking her head in memory. The amount of favours she'd called in for those detectives, _her_ detectives, _especially_ Olivia. _God_ _!_  

The attorney eventually decides to lie back down... 

 

A shrill sound drills through her temple like a battering ram. Alex immediately, forcefully hits her alarm clock before holding her head until her ears stop ringing. Another thing the PTSD impacts; making every alarm, every exhaust, every cell, ping or bang, sound like an assassin’s attempts to subdue her.  

 _Breathe... 1... 2... 3... Not today... 1... 2... 3...._  

Finally, the sound stops reverberating in her ears. _One more... 1... 2... 3..._  

Alex hates alarms. 

 

30 minutes later, Alex Cabot stalks into her office, her head held high but with a stoic, _don’t fuck with me_ air to her stance.  

No one approaches her before she reaches the relative safety of her office. But as soon as she put her bag down, a knock sounds Jim Steele’s presence. _Just g_ _ive me just one fucking..._  

‘Jim, come in,’ Alex says stiffly, interrupting her own thoughts before they become verbal. 

Jim walks across her threshold and proceeds to gesture to one of her office chairs. _Seriously?!_ _Just say what you need to say, then leave!_  

‘Go ahead,’ she finds herself acquiescing, but her blood boils knowing her most senior member of staff is planning on making more than a fleeting visit.  

‘So how did last night go?’ Alex feels the colour drain from her face. _Excuse me_ _?!_  

She doesn’t answer, not trusting her lips to voice an appropriate response.  

Jim finally bends. ‘Well, I’m assuming you were out with a _better_ offer because you didn’t turn up for dinner,’ he explains, his tone professional but accusatory. 

A memory from several days ago floods her thoughts. Alex had agreed to a professional dinner to discuss a particular case, a case she can’t at this minute recall. Though, the hurt echoing in his tone instantly makes her feel less apologetic. 

‘Oh. I’m sorry Jim. Arthur got me on something and the time ran away with me.’ Alex makes a grand gesture of sifting through her work diary. 'I can reschedule our meeting for 11am tomorrow morning,’ she states, flawlessly ensuring any future ‘dinner' plans are in house and utterly professional. 

Jim’s generally apathetic expression pales considerably. Alex's suspicions had been right; they always were. She proceeds to stand from her chair, non-verbally conveying that this ‘meeting' is over.  

‘Unless there's anything else, Jim, I’m due in court in...’ Alex checks her watch theatrically. ‘... twenty minutes.’  

Her subordinate stares her down, his hard blue eyes unflinching for a good minute. Alex stares back silently, her head screaming for him to leave. _Why can’t they just leave me..._  

‘Jim,’ Alex clears her throat, hating herself for showing her awkward nervousness. ‘I don’t know what you expected from our case meeting yesterday evening. I’m sorry I was caught up with another case,’ _My own_. ‘But, I don’t want there to be any miscommunication,’ she bites her lip before gaining complete control of her icy facade. ‘Any relationship we may have is _purely_ professional and will remain so,’ Alex finishes, her eyes leaving his as she sits down, picking up her pen in a clear sign of dismissal.  

Jim stands from his chair, his mouth turned down in anger. This surprises her, having read Jim to be morose, but not sour. ‘I... I thought after yesterday... your shirt...’ His words succeed in regaining Alex's absolute attention.  

‘My shirt was undone as I’d just noticed I had a stain down the front. I was about to change when you knocked,’ the attorney explains, her tone frosty and assertive. 

‘Then why let me in?’ Jim counters, not giving up.

 _Give me strength!_ Alex has to stop herself throwing down her pen in exasperation. ‘Jim,’ she starts, impaling him with her most caustic stare. ‘People have a habit of walking in, whether I say so or not. It was not an invitation of any kind,’ her words stab like barbs. ‘This conversation is _over_. Any further talk on the subject inside this office, or on this floor, will force me to...’ _What_ _Cabot_ _? Force you to do what?_ _Jesus! You’re threatening your own staff!_ ‘... rethink your position in this team. Do I make myself clear?’ _Nice Cabot! Nice!_  

Jim stiffly leaves her office, his tail firmly lodged between his legs.  

 _Breathe!_  

 

Alex attends court and gets the maximum she hoped for: life without parole for a man who killed his mistress with a hammer.  

The rush of winning a case is another reason to keep going, to survive. The one positive, other than the entirety of Olivia Benson, that she remembered from last nights group; list the things worth living for: 

 _Olivia._  

 _Taco._  

 _Court_. 

 

Alex returns to her office, instantly seething that Arthur is sat waiting for her. She stalks behind her desk. 

‘Arthur.’ 

‘Alex.’ 

‘To what do I owe this pleasure?’ her sarcasm barely hidden from her tone.  

Her boss has the humour to smile. ‘I just wanted to check in on...’ 

‘If one more person checks in on me, I’ll scream,’ Alex confesses wholeheartedly as her superior eyes her warily.  

‘Alex, not everyone’s out to get you. I’m just wondering if...’ 

‘Yes, I went. That _enough_ for you?’ Alex interrupts him again.  

‘Alex. You know no one else speaks to me like that?’ Arthur pulls rank. 

The young attorney has the grace to blanch slightly. ‘I don’t appreciate being forced into things,’ she responds more evenly.  

‘Like when Connors shot you, forcing you into witness protection, away from everything and everyone you...’ 

 _‘Stop!’_ Alex leans forward on her desk, her hands braced. ‘Are you concerned about my work ethic?’  

‘No, your whole aura maybe but you’re my best. You know that,’ Arthur concedes more gently. 

‘Then we’re done,’ she states with finality. ‘I attended the group. You’re happy with my work ethic. There is nothing more for us to discuss.’ 

 _Case closed._  

 

Later that evening, a glass of red in one hand, a newly forgotten book in the other; Taco sprawled over her lap, Alex waits.  

 _11:56pm_. _She promised._ _.._  

 _11:57._ _Maybe_ _they caught a case, just_ _as_ _Liv_ _was about to call_ _me_. 

 _11:58_. Alex’s heart begins to race.  _Or maybe she's come to her senses._

 _11:_ _59_. _Please Olivia..._  

Alex’s phone rings 10 seconds before midnight. 

‘Hi Lex, sorry for the delay... a case...’ Alex inhales deeply for the first time since Olivia's message, the previous evening.  

 _What are you doing to me Liv?!_  


	4. Jealous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Office politics drive Alex insane.

After yet another sleepless night, Alex stalks onto her floor: _Homicide_ , with a dread that breaks her heart.

Alex has always prided herself on her love of the job. It was part of the reason she survived witness protection. She _hated_ this unit; this unit and any other that wasn’t SVU. Her heart and soul beat to one rhythm and one rhythm only...

‘Alex,’ Jessica Rossi cuts through the EADA's haze; halting Alex's stride completely as she almost collides with the younger woman. When cool blue eyes meet dark brown, Alex swears her trainee shivers slightly. _I scare you that much?_ ‘I... uh... could I have a private word with you?’ the brunette asks politely, her tone and body language utterly awkward. _I’m not an ogre? Am I?_

‘Sure Jessica. Follow me,’ Alex regains her graceful, whippet pace, as the trainee follows close behind her.

Once Alex unlocks her office, and gestures for Jessica to take a seat, she sheds her coat and offers the young attorney some water. Jessica declines with a shake of her hand.

‘Okay Jessica, what would you like to discuss?’

Jessica hesitates for too long. A hundred different scenarios riot through Alex’s head as she waits for the brunette to speak.

‘I... I know you know about Jim and I.’ Of all the things Alex expected Jessica to say, this was not it.

Firstly, she hadn’t known... _because I’m too far up my own butt!_ And second, Alex has never liked ‘girl talk.’ _Why the hell are you coming to me? Why not Christina? Why not... just anyone else? Watch it, ogre!_ A wry smile almost taunts her lips.

Alex remains stoic, wondering what Jessica is expecting from her, considering she couldn’t care less who Jessica, far less Jim, slept with as long as it didn’t impact their work.

‘I wanted some advice?’ _God, no!_

‘On what?’ Alex grinds out, knowing she’s in no fit state to provide relationship advice, especially where men are concerned.

‘Whether it’s appropriate in the work place?’

Alex raises a questioning brow. ‘Whether _what’s_ appropriate in the work place?’

Jessica raises her hands quickly to refute her bosses assumption. ‘No, no, no. Not _that._ I mean having a relationship with a colleague in general.’

Images of Olivia flood Alex’s thoughts before she can stop them. Alex inhales a steadying breath as her heart begins to race. _Calm. Down!_

The EADA stalls, biting her lip as she watches the younger woman. Alex begins to sweat as the silence becomes unbearable. She picks up her pencil, hoping this small distraction will halt any further advance.

‘I’m sorry that I’m...’

‘What are you asking me?’ Alex interrupts her, not wishing the conversation to continue any longer than necessary.

‘Because you’re an attractive woman, whose got to know what it’s like having relationships and the does and don’ts, being a career woman and all,’ Jessica explains, making Alex feel even more uncomfortable.

‘Not why, what?’ Alex clarifies her question.

Jessica’s expression tells Alex she’s being too severe. _Shit! When did my job description involve babysitting adults?_ The irony of the question isn’t lost on her.

‘I’m not good at these types of conversations,’ she softens. ‘Can’t you talk to Christina or a friend outside of work...?’ Alex tries, feeling completely under the microscope of Jessica’s assessing stare. _Does she know...?_

‘I just thought, with you having known Jim, you may have some sage words of...’

Alex seethes at the implication; so be it the better of two assumptions but still, skin-crawlingly inappropriate. ‘Jessica,’ she raises her voice for the first time. The younger attorney actively quakes in her seat. ‘I don’t know what you’ve heard or who you’ve heard it from but I can assure you, I don’t know Jim in the way I believe you are implying. And nor would I _want_ to,’ Alex adds for good measure, her tone conveying what her words do not.

Jessica noticeably relaxes, even though the formidable Alexandra Cabot is staring her down with icy intent.

‘Is that all, Jessica?’ Alex asks pointedly, her tone borderline dismissive, having noticed the change in her trainees demeanour.

Jessica has the grace to stand before she’s asked. The brunette immediately realises she's damaged her professional relationship with her boss, for a flirtation that won’t last. Both women know this as Jessica finally turns to leave.

As soon as the trainee shuts the door behind her, Alex snaps her pencil in half. _Jesus! Thinking Jim and I..._

Alex stands up abruptly and retrieves her bag. After yesterday’s panic attack, Alex decided it best to carry her inhaler with her at all times. Pride had stopped her bringing it to work until...

She takes a puff, having felt her chest tightening, her palms sweating and her mouth drying as the conversation went on.

 _Why was I so uncomfortable?_ Alex questions herself. _Because you thought Jessica had somehow read your feelings, your emotions surrounding Olivia and so, known I would make the perfect candidate for advice, given she, herself had fallen for a colleag... fallen?_ The Freudian slip is out before Alex can retrieve it. _I haven’t fallen... Fuck!_

To steady her thoughts as quickly as possible, she directs her ire towards the one person who deserves it. Alex stalks to Jim’s office and walks through the open door without knocking.

‘Alex,’ Jim states jubilantly; as jubilantly as his apathetic voice will allow. Something Alex always thought he had in common with serial killers; _the expressionless eyes, the monotone voice, the superficial charm..._

As soon as her subordinate reads her expression, his minimal joy fades. Alex closes the door softly, to avoid a scene.

‘So, why did Jessica Rossi just come to me for relationship advice?’ Alex gets straight to the point, her heart beat surging as she suddenly wishes she’d brought her inhaler. _Breathe, Cabot_.

The look of surprise on Jim’s face tells Alex all she needs to know.

‘Perhaps control your... girlfriend... before she comes scent marking my office again.'

Jim has the grace to lower his eyes; his sole gesture repertoire for regret and unease. ‘Okay,’ he nods, rising from his chair and walking round his desk .‘I’m sorry you were put in that position. I don’t know why she would do that, other than if she has some insecurity around me, us,’ he surmises arrogantly.

Alex gasps with barely concealed derision as Jim leans on his desk, in front of her. ‘There is no _us_ , Jim'.

‘Jess has always been the jealous type and once you waltzed through the unit, she realised she was no longer top...’

‘ _Stop_ right there!’ Alex grits her teeth, her jaw clenched to breaking point, as she wonders again why so many women like sleeping with such arseholes. She steps towards him. ‘We aren’t in the dark ages Jim, where women are tossed around like property and only as _valuable_ as the way they look!’ Alex near spits in his face before taking a step back, not wanting office gossip to dissect just how close they are standing.

Alex takes a deep, wavering breath; feeling the tightness enclose around her chest. _Shit!_ ‘I'm your boss and Jessica is your contemporary. We are both human beings. Treat us as such, _especially_ Jessica, because if I have to have one more conversation about this...’

Alex doesn’t see it coming, especially with the blinds up and no doubt every nose flush against the windows. Jim raises his hand swiftly, his thumb suddenly, intimately caressing her lower lip. 'You're not human, Alex,' he whispers softly.

Alex eventually steps back to avoid his violating touch; her shock that her subordinate would try, especially after their previous conversations, making her momentarily freeze. Her innate fighting nature surges through her within seconds; her palm making harsh and deliberate contact with his jaw.

He staggers back, apparently in shock that a woman wouldn’t appreciate his advances.

Alex’s chest heaves as she watches the anger build in his eyes. ‘If you _ever_ touch me like that again..!’ she threatens, her every fibre furious as the man in front of her crumbles like the coward he is. Jim raises his hands in open defeat and apology.

‘I’m sorry Alex. _Please_...’ Jim begs as Alex takes another step back.

‘Clear your desk,’ she states icily, as she turns to leave.

 

As soon as she retreats to her own office, Alex lowers as many blinds as she can before her legs give way from under her. _No!_

She staggers to her couch, knowing resistance is futile; her body already beginning to shut down around her as she gasps for breath. The excruciating weight on her chest, starving her brain and suffocating her senses. _Please! Breathe... Breath... No!_

Alex tries to stand to reach her inhaler, knowing in reality, it won't help now. Her body crumples to the floor, her hands innately bracing for impact.

Darkness.

 

Visions start flashing before her eyes at half second intervals of consciousness; none of the images making sense other than telling her she is; one, alive and two, hurting. _I hurt... everywhere_.

She finally flutters her eyes open. It takes several moments for awareness to kick in. Someone is above her, directly above her. Alex blinks again, hoping to clear her blurred vision. The face floats on the periphery of her recognition. _Focus... Cabot! Focus!_

Alex hears a familiar voice; a soft, gentle voice.

Her mind suddenly forms words that terrify the life out of her. _Why... am... I... hurting?_

The owner of the blurred features, the gentle voice, suddenly comes into sharp focus.

_OliviaI?!_


	5. Dazed and Confused

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex wakes up.

Alex blinks her eyes again, finally gaining clarity and focus on a face that terrifies and elates her in equal measure.

‘Olivia?’ she gasps, barely above a whisper as the detective's soft, concerned eyes rake her features.

‘Alex,’ Olivia breathes, her relief palpable. ‘What happened, sweetie?’

‘Was I raped?’ Alex asks the harrowing question. Her body stiffens as she looks down at herself. Her clothes are in disarray. _Please, no._

‘Alex...?’ Olivia falters, dawning hitting her.

‘Why else would you be here?’ the attorney asks coldly, her eyes wide as she glances around her, noticing her surroundings. _Where the hell am I?_ ‘Where am I?’

Olivia’s expression softens still further. ‘You’re at Bellevue. You were found collapsed on your office floor. They tried to rouse you but couldn’t so they rang for a bu...’ the gentle eyed detective continues, trying to piece together what happened.

‘Who found me?’ Alex interrupts her, her tone urgent and fearful as mortification surges through her.

‘Christina ....,’ Olivia replies immediately, trying to swallow her concern that Alex believes she may have been raped.

Alex closes her eyes briefly as minute relief infuses her willowy frame. _Christina wouldn’t hurt me._

‘Where do you hurt, Alex?’ the detective asks, her brows knitted.

‘Everywhere,’ she responds, wincing as pain splinters through her body.

‘Where does it radiate from?’ Olivia asks astutely, her eyes focused on the flaxen haired beauty in front of her.

‘My stomach,’ Alex answers, her face paling in fear.

Olivia gazes at her for several seconds. 'Sweetie, you need to know I’m here because I was noted down as next of kin on your file, not because of any suspicions of an assault,’ the detective voices, hoping to reassure Alex, without dismissing her fears. Alex blushes crimson. _Oh God!_ ‘But I’m worried about your pain and... would you allow the doctor to examine you?’

 _No! Yes! They haven’t already? Of course not stupid!_ Alex internally berates herself, knowing they had no reason to conduct a rape kit. The word gets lodged in her psyche, turning her stomach. A cold shiver travels the length of her. ‘Liv, how long have you been with me?’

Chocolate brown eyes scan cloudy blues before Olivia looks at her watch. ‘I received the call 48 minutes ago,’ she knows to be accurate. Alexandra Cabot would expect nothing less. ‘I’ve been by your side for 34 minutes and you’ve been awake 3.’

 _Olivia came... She came._ Moisture suddenly threatens to spill from the attorneys shimmering orbs. ‘Yes.’

‘Yes?’ Olivia searches her eyes.

‘Please have the doctor examine me,’ Alex croaks out, her mouth desert parched as she watches Olivia’s dusky hues pale slightly. Only Alex would notice, staring intently into the fire, to her ice.

Olivia glances at the doctors still assessing Alex.

‘You really should be fully examined...’ _the entire rape kit_. ‘...if you’ve been assaulted,’ the doctor states firmly. Olivia gives her a pleading look.

Without another word, the doctor draws the cubicle curtains and shoos everyone but Olivia out of the room.

‘Would you like me to leave, Lex?’

 _No!_ ‘No,’ Alex states passionately, grabbing the detectives hand and clasping it to her chest before Olivia can react.

The skin to skin contact momentarily freezes them. Their heart beats synchronise as their eyes see only each other. Olivia licks her lips as Alex swallows thickly; the impact of their touch shocking them.

‘I’m here,’ Olivia finally speaks, her thumb stroking the back of Alex's hand, as the attorney nods at the waiting doctor to begin.

The doctor carefully lifts the remnants of Alex’s dress and proceeds to cut through her panties, saving her the embarrassment of physically undressing in front of the doctor, and the woman of her life.

‘If you could place your feet together and splay your knees as far as you can,’ the doctor asks softly as Olivia squeezes Alex’s hand. ‘That’s good. Now just breathe for me.’

 _Breathe?_ Alex thinks incredulously. She exhales a wavering breath as the doctor lubricates the speculum. Her body stiffens as the cold plastic implement slowly enters her. She arches and gasps as her cervix is prized open.

‘Look at me, sweetie,’ Olivia coaxes as the doctor explores and prods her most vulnerable region. ‘You’re doing so well,’ she encourages, knowing to avoid saying it will be over soon. If her beautiful friend has been raped... Olivia wheezes, feeling sucker-punched to the stomach... the examination will take significantly longer.

The doctor eventually removes the offending implement. ‘Okay,’ she says thoughtfully. _Please!_ ‘There is no evidence of recent intercourse.’

The tears that threatened several minutes ago, begin to spill down Alex's cheeks. She releases Olivia's hand to cover her face in relief, embarrassment and shame as the doctor covers her body. _Jesus! What an idiot!_

‘Lex,’ Olivia breathes quietly, her own eyes moist with relief. ‘You’re safe, I’m here and I will remain here until you ask me to leave,’ she reassures Alex, whilst trying her best to swallow down the questions rioting through her mind.

 _‘Christ!_ I’m sorry Liv. I feel like an idiot,’ Alex voices her inner monologue as she continues to cover her face, hoping the fiercely loyal detective will somehow evaporate or un-see the last few minutes, if she prays hard enough.

‘Lex, remember what I do for a living,’ Olivia states, her tone light.

Her words cause Alex’s cheeks to blanch a deeper shade of beetroot. _God! I’m so selfish, taking you away from the real victims..._

‘Lex, I’m... I’m worried about you.’ These simple words are all Alex has ever wanted, and _not_ wanted, to hear from her Olivia. The last of her fragile resolve shatters as her chest collapses with shuddering sobs. ‘Can I touch you?’ Olivia intuitively asks as Alex leans into her; the detective wraps her arms around her struggling friend.

‘I’m sorry... for everything,’ Alex rasps as Olivia holds her, gently rocking her back and forth.

‘Miss Cabot,’ the forgotten doctor quietly draws their attention. Both women start slightly before releasing each other. ‘When was the last time you cut yourself?’

Alex feels the blood drain from her face at the direct question, having forgotten the cuts and scars on her upper thighs. She looks at Olivia, whose enquiring orbs gaze back. _What must you think of me?_ Alex lowers her eyes, utterly humiliated that the doctor and Olivia, have seen the damage she has done to herself. ‘Three nights ago,’ she answers honestly, her body stiffening as the pain stabs through her centre.

Alex inhales sharply as she realises she hasn’t harmed herself since Olivia Benson walked back into her life. Somehow, seeing those chocolate brown eyes, hearing her dulcet tones say her name, feeling her presence right beside her, made the dream on her answering machine a reality. A reality she is holding on to, for dear life.

The doctor nods her head in understanding. ‘Have you been experiencing heart palpitations, sweats, black-outs?’

Alex focuses on the doctor. ‘Yes. Panic attacks.’

‘How long have you been experiencing them?’

‘For...’ she glances at Olivia, self-consciously. ‘... for years.’ Olivia takes her hand once more.

‘Have you felt nauseated, lethargic, confused, with no appetite and muscle spasms?’

‘Yes,’ Alex responds immediately.

'Again, for how long?’

‘Since I can remember.’

The doctor inhales deeply, comprehension crossing her features. ‘This would explain why it’s gone unnoticed,’ she mumbles before gazing between Alex and Olivia. ‘Miss Cabot, you’re currently suffering from sepsis. It was probably caused by an infection in this cut,’ the doctor points to a particularly raw looking wound. ‘This IV is currently pumping antibiotics into your system. If this doesn’t flush it out, more invasive treatment will be required.’

Alex, who had been attempting to look at the offending cut, abruptly raises her head at the doctors last words. ‘Invasive?’

‘Yes, Miss Cabot,’ the woman doesn’t elaborate.

‘How ill am I?’ Alex asks the pertinent question.

‘Quite ill. Your infection has spread from your thigh to your abdomen, causing the sepsis. You are very lucky it hasn’t invaded your chest cavity.’

‘What’s your name?’ Alex asks suddenly, her body starting to shiver as a cold sweat claims her.

‘Bronwyn.’

‘Thank you for all you’re doing Bronwyn. I’m Alex,’ she offers her hand; her manners, even in times of immense stress, impeccable.

Bronwyn shakes it before retrieving some blankets and placing them over Alex’s trembling form. She turns to Olivia. ‘You’re her...?’

‘Next of kin,’ Olivia replies, at a loss as to what else to call herself; already knowing the doctor from the many nights they’ve shared a victim’s worst nightmare.

The doctor gestures for the detective to follow her out of Alex’s earshot. ‘Olivia, _if_ the antibiotics work, Alex will need 24hour supervision for the next two weeks, to ensure post-sepsis symptoms don’t result in a recurrence being missed. If they don’t work, we might be looking at organ failure.’ Bronwyn's words knock the wind out of Olivia. The world spins around her for several moments. _I’ve only just got her back, doc!_ ‘Does she have anyone else Olivia? A parent? A sibling? Because her kidneys have been under immense strain for months,’ Bronwyn stares at the detective hopefully.

‘No Bron. She’s got no one else,’ Olivia shakes her head helplessly. ‘Her mother died whilst she was...’ she stops herself. ‘Are you saying Alex might not...’ Olivia stutters as she eyes the person most important to her.

‘She’s confused but _conscious_. That’s a very good sign. But worst case scenario: Alex may need a kidney trans...’

 _‘Doc!’_ Olivia interrupts her fiercely. ‘I don’t need to hear your catastrophizing right now,’ the detectives seething anger and rioting anxiety, tearing her apart. ‘All I need to know is: what her odds are and what I need to do to help her. Here. _Now_.’ Olivia’s body shakes with the overwhelming emotions flooding her. Her surprise at their ferocity knocking her side ways.

Olivia has only felt this once before; the first time she thought Alexandra Cabot was lost to her, forever. _I can’t lose her again! Not now I’ve found her!_ ‘Tell me what I need to do?’

‘You’re doing it,’ the doctor takes a deep breath, overawed by Olivia’s passion for the other woman. ‘And her odds are good, Liv. They really are good,’ Bronwyn affirms, squeezing the detective's arm briefly.


	6. Dawning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The potential consequences of Alex's recovery begin to dawn on Liv and Alex.

It took four days for the antibiotics to flush Alex's system sufficiently, before the doctors removed her intravenous drip.

Her sweats, disorientation, raised heart rate and lowered blood pressure soon stabilised but Bronwyn kept her in an extra day, to appease Olivia’s anxiety of complications.

Now, sitting in Olivia's jeep, Alex's palms are slick with perspiration. She glances sideways at the stunning detective; whose knuckles are white with the force of her grip on the steering wheel.

The doctor _told_ Alex she has to be constantly monitored for the next two weeks, to watch for signs of post-sepsis syndrome. Fifty percent of sepsis survivors experience the condition. Bronwyn would not discharge Alex, until she acquiesced. This is the _only_ reason the stubborn EADA is currently a passenger in Olivia’s jeep; being driven to the brunettes apartment, by none other than the beautiful detective herself.

 _Why Liv?_ Alex queries silently as she snaps her head back to the road, belatedly realising she is opening staring at the brunette. _Of all the people..._ The attorney shakes her head. _You did this to yourself, putting Olivia as your next of kin. Arsehole move number one!_

‘... you doing?’ Alex absentmindedly realises the detective is speaking to her.

‘Sorry, what?’ she says softly, ready to blame the sepsis for her rudeness.

‘I said, how're you doing?’ Olivia repeats, her tone hushed, her chocolate orbs assessing.

Alex breaks eye contact before the creeping blush invades her face. ‘It depends on your perspective...’ she answers evasively, her heart fluttering, her skin trembling as Olivia continues to stare; traffic lights hindering any escape as the detective waits for a proper answer. ‘Okay,’ Alex finally relents. ‘I feel like a pathetically exposed nerve that could snap at any moment.’ Chocolate brown eyes bore into cloudy blue until a beep from the car behind breaks their trance.

Olivia clears her throat as Alex glances out the side window, trying to remember herself, _whoever that is._

‘My job is to heal that wound until your nerve is protected,’ Olivia’s silken voice invades her senses. ‘Let me take care of you, Alex,’ she coerces as Alex’s entire form trembles with an overwhelming need to submit.

 _Alexandra Cabot does not submit,_ Alex reminds herself. But as soon as Olivia’s hand cover hers, alighting every inch of skin she touches; the brunette recognising the wilful attorney’s internal battle with her vulnerability, her humiliation, that the detective _knows;_ Alex is helpless to the thawing warmth Olivia is offering. _Oh God!_

 

Olivia parks up in her underground garage and kills the engine. Their mutually laboured breathing is suddenly the only seemingly deafening sound, as they both recognise the line that’s about to be crossed.

Olivia only once knocked on Alex's apartment door, to check the ADA was still alive after several attempts at gaining a warrant proved unusually futile. The detective remembers the expression on Alex's face as she opened the door; her heart in her mouth as she recalls the sight of Alexandra Cabot in nothing but a thin, silk night gown, her nipples... _Fuck Olivia!_ The detective stops herself, subtly checking she isn’t salivating at the memory. She turns to the radiant attorney, who seems as lost in her own thoughts.

 _I’m sitting next to Olivia Benson, in her car, in her apartment garage. I’m about to be escorted to her actual apartment, AND she’s going to be taking care of me for the next two weeks. Two weeks!_ Alex's heart seizes as her centre shivers in yearnful protest. _How has it come to this?_ Alex asks herself; part excited beyond measure, part terrified out of her skin. _I’ve purposely kept our professional and personal lives separate... apart from that one time..._

‘What about your cat?’ Olivia abruptly asks, causing Alex to flinch in shock, realising the detective is also thinking of _that_ night. Their hearts race with a renewed urgency.

‘I called Christina to pop over, whilst you were chatting up Bronwyn...’ Alex replies, shamelessly diverting the conversation away from _that_ night. So much so that all Olivia can do is stare at the stunning attorney.

‘What?’ her tone choked in surprise.

‘You heard me,’ Alex challenges, her gaze unrelenting as the brunettes mind revolts in fear and confusion at the sudden shift.

Olivia’s mouth works silently for several beats. _No one knows about that aspect of my life._ ‘I... uh... what?’ she repeats, utterly blindsided and transfixed by the goading orbs of Alexandra Cabot.

‘You two seemed... close,’ Alex voices her observation; neither woman willing to leave the relative safety of Olivia’s jeep. _The last barrier..._

‘We’ve shared many people’s worst moments together. It creates a professional bond...’ Olivia answers practically, her brow furrowed in confusion. ‘Surely you, of all people, know that?’

‘There’s a lot I thought I knew, that I simply cannot fathom now,’ Alex answers honestly, _painfully_ honestly.

Olivia takes her hand once more, trying desperately to ignore the impact such contact is having on her trembling core. ‘We’re going to find her, Alex.’

This time the attorney looks confused. ‘Who?’

‘Alexandra Freda Cabot.’

A lone tear escapes her rebellious orbs as the one utterance she hasn’t realised she so desperately _needs_ to hear, is whispered passionately by the woman of her life.


	7. Knowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Olivia try to adapt.

Alex and Olivia know they have to leave the safety of the jeep.  

Olivia moves first, unlocking the doors and proceeds to retrieve Alex's few bags. The attorney slowly extricates herself from her seat, Olivia standing directly in front of her in case she stumbles or collapses.  

 _Please don’t. Please don’t_ _,_ Alex begs her willowy frame not to buckle; the thought of falling into Olivia’s arms all too terrifyingly appealing. _Thank you_ _,_ she gushes breathlessly as her legs obey her.  

Olivia stares at the attorney for several beats, wanting to be sure Alex can carry her own body weight and walk the ten steps to the escalator.  

‘Stop looking at me like that!’ the EADA snaps icily, making Olivia’s eyes crinkle. _There_ _she_ _is_ _._  

‘Well get a move on then,’ she goads cautiously, nervous of pushing Alex too far.  

As soon as the attorney smiles, Olivia knows they have a chance, they have hope. _Give me_ _another_ _smile_ _like that_ _and I’ll dance_ _round_ _the_ _world_ _,_ the detective promises herself as her insides clench at the sight. 

She finally moves back to allow Alex to step past her, her body having cornered the attorney unconsciously, in case she fell. Alex walks forward, her steps measured as Olivia follows close behind, bags in hand.  

‘For _fucks_ sake Olivia, I won’t break!’ Alex seethes, knowing exactly what the thoughtful detective is doing.  

‘Even the _unsinkable_ ship was sinkable,’ Olivia argues evenly, her mirth evaporating as she watches the EADA clench her fists in frustration. 

‘I _don’t_ want this Liv!’ Alex admits heatedly, turning about surprisingly quickly, causing Olivia to almost walk into her.  

The brunette can only look at the blonde, as confusion dances across her features. When Alex doesn’t elaborate, their bodies frozen and unmoving, Olivia can’t help but break the silence. ‘What don’t you want Lex?’ she asks, her heart in her throat. 

 _I_ _don’t_ _want to be this close to you_ _. To be within six hundred miles of you. I can’t bare it._.. her head screams wildly. ‘I don’t want you feeling sorry for me. Feeling responsible for me,’ she whispers, lowering her eyes as she takes a shaky breath, desperate to hide her _other_ reasons from Olivia’s perceptive orbs. 

Olivia recognises light-headedness when she sees it. She drops the bags, her hands splayed, prepared and waiting. ‘Lex, look at me. Lex?’ the detective tries to regain her full attention. ‘Lex? Let’s get you upstairs, then we can continue this...’ her voice trails off as she softly clasps Alex’s arm, intending to help her forward.  

The attorney rips her arm from Olivia’s grasp. ‘Don’t _touch_ me.’ _I can do this goddammit!_ _You have idea what you do to me!_ She proceeds to about turn and sway to the elevator, before attempting unsuccessfully to press the call button.  

Olivia knows it’s best to leave the stubborn EADA to it, grabbing the bags and staying behind her, ready to catch her if she falls.  

 _Fucks_ _sake Liv!_ _What_ _the_ _hell_ _are you doing?_ _t_ he detective chides herself, the fantasy versus the reality of looking after Alexandra Cabot starkly polar, all of a sudden. Something about Alex's behaviour scares her. She tries desperately to stop the ever ready thoughts of a SVU detective invading her mind. _No! Not Alex._ Olivia can’t allow herself to fall into _that_ rabbit hole. She shakes her head and takes a steadying breath. 

The ding of the elevator saves her, as Alex haphazardly steps into the suspended cube, Olivia close behind her.  

Thankfully, the elevator decides to work this evening. Olivia can't imagine how she’d get Alex’s up the stairs without touching her. 

They finally reach her apartment, successfully traversing fifteen feet in ten minutes. She feels the sweat beading at her brow as she watches Alex lean against the door jam, exhausted.  

Olivia quickly opens the door. ‘We're here,’ she chimes, more jovially than she feels as Alex desperately darts for the sofa, proceeding to sprawl herself over it, her energy utterly depleted.  

Olivia places the attorneys bags next to the sofa, in case she needs anything, before retrieving a blanket from the airing cupboard and placing it loosely over the sleeping beauty’s shoulders.  

The detective finds herself watching her friend, soft and unguarded in sleep. _You are such a beautiful yet troubled soul_ _, Alexandra Cabot_ _. I_ _will_ _rescue you, not matter how long it takes_. Olivia finally checks herself, knowing one of her many wishes regarding the stunning EADA, has just come true.  

She abruptly stalks to her tiny kitchen, not wanting to be one of those perverts who watches the woman of their dreams, sleep. _Dreams_ _? Oh Jesus Liv! What the fuck are you doing?_ She accidentally slams a mug against the counter top, in her haste to rid her thoughts. Her head snaps up, hoping she hasn’t woken her charge, to find iridescent eyes staring back. Olivia swallows thickly. 

‘I’m so sorry,’ she apologises, wanting nothing more than to take the haunted look from Alex's eyes.  

She watches as the attorney tries, and finally succeeds, in flipping herself over onto her back. It takes everything for Olivia to stay put; to observe her struggling but headstrong friend do it herself.  

‘Liv,’ Alex whispers breathlessly, the blush of exertion flooding her face. ‘I’m sorry.’ Watery blues meet damp chocolate. ‘I’m so sorry. For all of this. For putting on you. Being a bitch. I’m not used to people looking out or after me.’ Olivia’s heart breaks, having deduced this years ago. Still, she’s awed that the eternally guarded Alex Cabot has voiced such a vulnerable truth.  

Olivia approaches her friend, kneeling, at an appropriate distance, in front of her. ‘Lex,’ the detective whispers, desperate not to spook Alex further. ‘Let me take care of you for the next two weeks. I know it’s going to be hard for you, being this vulnerable knowing I _know_ things about you, that you never wanted anyone to know,’ Olivia starts, lacing her fingers together to stop herself wiping the tears flowing down the most enchanting face she has ever seen. ‘Whenever you’re feeling exposed, too vulnerable, like it’s too much, please just tell me and we can stop what ever it is that is making you uncomfortable,’ the brunette pleads, wanting so much to be the support Alex so desperately needs, though she may not realise it. ‘And before you say that all _this_ is making you uncomfortable, I’m a friend offering and _wanting_ to help you. And if you’re honest with yourself, part of you wanted me to support you. Why else put me as your NOK?’ Olivia voices one of the plethora of questions swirling in her minds eye. 

Alex blushes crimson at the detectives words, the force of her inescapable gaze as she tries to fathom a worthy explanation.  

‘I don’t need to know why, Lex. Just know that _this_ is where you are meant to be... right now,’ Olivia adds quickly, her own checks suddenly burning. She stands and walks back to her tiny kitchen to hide her features, busying herself with the coffee maker. ‘Want some coffee?’ she offers, distractedly.  

‘No thanks. I desperately need a shower then sleep. Is that okay?’ Olivia swallows thickly before smiling to herself, in response to Alex's immaculate manners.  

‘Sure Alex, it’s okay,’ the brunette finally turns back to face the attorney. Alex has sat herself up on the sofa and is currently threading her hands through her flaxen mane. _Oh God!_ Their eyes meet and hold.  

 _Look away!_ their minds plead as they finally tear their eyes from each other; their hearts hammering, their lungs seizing, the drum in their ears deafening as they both attempt to re-centre. _Christ, this is going to be torture_ _!_  

Olivia finds her voice first. ‘The showers through there and the bedroom is that door there,’ she points to the only two doors in her cramped flat. A wave of embarrassment surges through her as she realises Alexandra Cabot is probably used to more luxurious digs, if the location of the attorneys apartment is anything to go by. _Alex reeks of good breeding._ _Shit, did I unclog the shower drain?_ Olivia suddenly wonders. ‘Let me just go...’  

The detective hasn’t left her side since she received the call. She even contacted Christina, the only other person besides Arthur Branch (other than practical, utility numbers), saved into Alex’s phone, to collect several bags for her stay.  

To invade Alex’s apartment without invitation felt wrong to Olivia. Her soul shattered when she saw the near empty phone list. _Jesus Alex!_  

The brunette quickly assesses her bathroom as surprisingly clean. _Thank fuck!_ She renters the kitchen/living room and gives Alex a cheesy thumbs up, knowing the attorney will have deduced what she was doing.  

Alex laughs despite herself, as she levers herself up and leans down to rifle through one of her bags. Olivia goes to the bedroom to give her friend some privacy; finding two towels, one for her body, one for drying her hair, knowing a woman like Alex Cabot wouldn’t use the same one for both.  

‘Here are some towels for you. There are plenty where they came from so feel free to chuck them on the floor after use,’ Olivia offers, finding Alex stood with a set of bedclothes and panties in hand. The attorney quickly wraps her set around the panties, embarrassed that the woman of her life has seen them. The detective prays her face remains blank as she ignores the tiny gesture, not wanting to make Alex feel anymore uncomfortable. A quip about having seen ladies panties before, silenced on the tip of her tongue.  

‘Holler if you need anything and I’ll listen in every so often in case you've tripped or something. I suggest you don’t lock the door. Okay?’ 

‘Okay. Thanks Liv,’ Alex acquiesces quickly, surprising Olivia.  

 

Alex enters the tiny, but adequately equipped bathroom, shutting the door behind her without locking it. _Olivia always makes sense_ _,_ though the idea of the detective walking in on her, for whatever reason, fills her with dread.  

Alex looks at herself in the mirror before regretting it, her face pale and gaunt, her hair greasy and flat. She quickly washes her face; the feel of clean, warm water on her skin euphoric. 

She undresses herself hurriedly, hating her body and all the scars etched on it. She stands under the surprisingly powerful jet, letting the hot water wash away the grime left by too many hands, to many needles, wires and hospital monitors. She shudders at how dirty she feels, remembering the look in Olivia’s eyes as the doctor revealed her cuts. Alex shuts her eyes as the shame engulfs her. _Oh_ _God_. 

 

A knock at the door sounds Olivia’s check in. ‘How’re you doing, Lex? I know the hot water doesn’t last this long...’ Only once her friend mentions it, does Alex notice she’s sat in the shower basin, her entire body shivering uncontrollably.  

‘Liv,’ is all Alex can verbalise as she realises she doesn’t have the strength to move.  

‘Alex, if you don’t need me to come in, turn the shower off, now.’ 

The shower stays on. 

‘Okay, Lex, I’m coming in but with a towel in front of me, so I won’t see anything,’ Olivia reassures her as she opens the bathroom door slowly. She hears Alex’s shallow breathes and sharp inhales, approaching her slowly and cautiously. ‘I’m going to turn the shower off first then I’m going to lay the towel over of you. Okay?’ she asks for permission before actioning anything, talking through what she intends to do before she does it to ensure Alex knows and feels some control over what’s happening.  

The brunette switches the shower off and blindly covers Alex’s nakedness with the largest towel she could find.  

‘Hey,’ Olivia says softly, meeting watery, cloudy blues for what feels like the first time. ‘Sweetie, do you think you can walk if I lift you to your feet?’ 

‘No,’ Alex whimpers, utterly desolate at her weakness.  

‘That’s okay, Lex,’ Olivia comforts her gently as she rethinks. ‘Would it be okay if I lifted you up and carried you to the bed?’ she whispers, keeping her voice soft, gentle, unthreatening.  

Alex turns away as more tears flow down her cheeks. She nods her head, giving Olivia permission.  

‘I’m going to place one arm under your neck and shoulders and the other under you knees. I promise the towel with cover you,’ she reassures her still further as she actions her words once more.  

The detective carries the weightless attorney to her bed. She gently towels her down, careful to avoid violating her privacy, before cautiously replacing it with a clean, dry blanket.  

Securely wrapped in said blanket, Alex's arms left free to ensure she doesn’t feel restrained or pinned, Olivia goes to the kitchen to make some hot milk, and retrieve the only appetising thing left in the house, some rice tea biscuits. She places them on the bedside table before she takes in the breath-taking sight of Alexandra Cabot sleeping in _her_ bed.  

 _Oh God Alex._  

Olivia retreats before she wakes and spooks her with her creeping.  

She retrieves further blankets, making herself a blanket mountain on the sofa, in which she finally, welcomingly, falls into an exhausted slumber. 


	8. Exposed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Olivia are both left feeling utterly exposed.

She stirs to unsettling sounds. She shakes her head slightly to be sure she isn’t still in the throes of her nightmare. She touches the blanket and looks about her to ground herself. _Definitely awake_.

She hears another cry, another anguished moan. _Jesus!_ She unfolds herself from the blanket, hoping the cries don’t belong to the only person who matters. _Who else could it be, moron?_ She stalks to the dividing door at surprising speed, cautiously opening it to see a figure writhing in a mountain of blankets.

 _Oh God, Olivia!_ Alex moves as quickly as her unsteady limbs will carry her, to Olivia’s side. After a moments pause, Alex palms the brunettes forehead; her skin hot and moist to the touch.

‘No... God no! _Please_ don’t...’ Tears rivet down her cheeks as she relives her harrowing trauma.

‘Olivia,’ Alex soothes, moving her hands to the detectives shoulders as she tries to gently shake her awake.

 _‘Stop!’_ Olivia's entire body thrashes against Alex’s touch, causing the attorney to fall backwards, hitting the hard wood floor with force.  

 _‘Fuck!’_ Alex screams, in pain, in frustration, needing to somehow pick herself back up to save her... her... Liv from a haunting nightmare.

Every muscle strains against Alex's efforts as she finally succeeds in kneeling in front of the writhing brunette. She spreads her legs wide, to brace herself, as she begins shaking the terrorised detective once more. ‘You’re safe, in your apartment, Liv. You’re safe. I’m here. Alex is here,’ she whispers as Olivia suddenly jolts forward, causing both women to plummet to the floor.

‘No!’ the detective bellows just as they hit the hardwood; the willowy framed blonde suddenly pinned beneath the athletic brunette.

 _Oh shit!_ Alex mind screams as Olivia's now open eyes try to orientate her. The attorney remains frozen, under the detectives firm and dominant body, praying to hell that Olivia can’t feel her erect nipples; only this minute realising she’s utterly naked. _Fuck!_

Olivia’s glazed orbs slowly recognise the woman currently pinned under her frame. Alex can only stare back as the detectives eyes convey a heated softness, so completely exposing, the attorney feels like a voyeur to Olivia’s most private thoughts. _Oh Liv._

The brunette blinks her eyes once more, her gaze suddenly confused and alarmed as dawning finally hits. ‘Lex...’ she clears her throat self-consciously as she starts peeling herself off of her. ‘I’m...’

‘No, no!’ Alex grabs at her desperately, mortified at the thought of revealing her nakedness.

‘Wh...?’ Olivia begins to ask, before she comprehends the incomprehensible. _Alex Cabot is naked AND under me. What the hell? Why is...? How...? Did I...?_

Alex watches Olivia's thoughts furrow her brow as she presses herself flush against the attorney, to maintain her modesty. ‘Liv...’ she breathes, trying to hold back tears of horrified mortification as her heart beats out of her chest. ‘I heard you dreaming... I thought... I had to make sure you were alright... and I forgot I was... _Jesus!’_ She turns her head and shuts her eyes, hoping the floor will swallow her up as she prays Olivia will somehow evaporate into thin air.

But the attorneys body has other ideas. Alex can feel the carnal arousal surging through her; her lungs battering her rib-cage as her flesh perspires and shivers under the detectives powerful frame and gaze.

Olivia surveys the beautiful woman beneath her, as she attempts to swallow every inappropriate thought, quip, movement; as the most humiliatingly excruciating, yet most viscerally desirable game of chess plays out.

‘I’m sorry I worried you,’ she finally breathes, embarrassed that Alex has seen her night terrors; horrified for Alex that she is currently pinning her naked form to the floor, due to the aforementioned terrors. 'Did I or am I hurting you?’ her chocolate brown eyes huge in concern.

The attorney shakes her head in answer. With any other person, Alex would have tried to fight them off, to hell with whether they saw her nakedness. With Detective Olivia Benson, there’s no worse thought than revealing the true extent of the trauma she has caused to her own body. The idea of the woman of her life _seeing_ the full impact makes her rebellious eyes sting. Alex hates herself in this moment, her chest heaving as both women wonder how they can escape this most arousing of tortures.

‘I... can’t let you... I don’t want you to... see me,’ Alex voices uselessly, aware the brunette knows this.

‘I know,’ Olivia appeases her gently, biting her lip to stop herself bucking into the pleasure surging through her crotch. _Don’t!_ she warns herself, loathing her traitorous body and mind.

‘I’m sorry Liv,’ Alex apologises.

‘There is nothing... to apolo... gise for,’ the detective stammers, utterly hating the fact she can’t hide her primal need from the stunning attorney. _Think, Liv!_

Eventually, Alex can’t stand another minute under the hard, unrelenting body of Olivia Benson. ‘I can’t...’ she begins, trying her best not to meet the detective’s pelvis, her lips. ‘Liv, grab one of those blankets for me,’ Alex suggests desperately, looking past Olivia to the sofa. The detective immediately reaches for them, whilst ensuring the attorney remains decently covered. Alex clutches Olivia’s clothed bicep to make sure.

‘Okay,’ the brunette exhales, relieved that this slow, agonising torture is at an end. ‘I’m going to lift myself up slightly and pull the blanket between us. Then I’m going to get off you. If you need me to help you get up, let me know. But I won’t leave you exposed, I promise, Lex,’ she finishes, gazing into Alex's eyes for acquiescence. The blonde nods her head once.

Olivia slowly actions her promise, holding her own body weight whilst Alex pulls the blanket between them. ‘Done,’ the attorney finally whispers.

Olivia pushes herself up, inadvertently straddling the beautiful attorney. ‘Sorry,’ she utters gruffly, as she stands and stalks to the kitchen to give Alex, and herself, some privacy.

The attorney abruptly stumbles to Olivia’s bedroom, sitting on the bed and placing her head in her hands as she tries to still her burgeoning arousal, her acute mortification. _Fuck!_

As soon as Alex disappears, Olivia steps into the bathroom for a much needed cold shower. _Fuck!_


	9. Truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A difficult conversation.
> 
> Thank you to all comment and kudos leavers!!

Alex sits on the bed, her body shaking with shock and mortification. _What the hell just happened? Why... why you Idiot?! Stumbling naked to her side? What if Olivia had woken up before she landed on top of... Olivia Benson was on top of me... of ME!!_

Alex allows herself to fall back onto the bed, the blanket half forgotten in her self-beration.

 _I can’t stay here,_ Alex has never been more certain of anything in her life. _Jesus, Cabot! What the fuck!?_

A shiver travels the entire length of her body as she remembers the look in Olivia’s eyes. _I didn’t imagine that, did I?_ A warm tingling feeling floods her abdomen, washing over her neglected clit. _Oh God!_

 _Arthur Branch!_ Alex abruptly thinks, attempting with all her might not to trace her fingers down to her wet apex, feeling her arousal already collecting at her tail bone. _Arthur Branch! I should call... h..._

 

Sometime later, Alex wakes to a knock at the open bedroom door. Olivia has hidden herself out of sight to provide the attorney with some privacy, until she's allowed in.

Alex looks down at herself, her self-awareness providing instant clarity to the fact the blanket has pooled around her legs, leaving her naked torso in view. _Shit!_ Alex immediately attempts to wrench the blanket from under her aching limbs to cocoon herself. It takes several attempts but eventually she succeeds.

Unbeknownst to her, Olivia’s fist is vice like against the door jam to stop herself walking in to help her.

‘Come in,’ Alex finally invites, her voice breathless from this miniscule exertion. Even so, her disloyal heart is hammering out of her chest and her rebellious lungs are ricocheting against her rib cage. _Breathe!_

Olivia walks through the open door, her face neutral, with a tray of breakfast: poached egg on toast and coffee. Being unable to sleep for the remainder of the night, the detective had decided to replenish her empty food stores, leaving a note on the inside of her bedroom door, in case Alex woke up.

The guilt that surged through the brunette when she peaked in to check on Alex, all-encumbering, as the image of a sleeping, half-naked Alexandra Cabot seared itself into the forefront of Olivia’s mind, forever. The brunette tiptoed out silently, feeling like a voyeuristic pervert, not for the first time where Alex was concerned.

‘Morning,’ Olivia chimes as she waits for her charge to sit herself up. She then lays the tray across Alex’s lap with an over-the-top flourish. _‘Enjoy!’_ Before another word can be spoken, Olivia has about-turned and stalked out the bedroom door.

Alex stares at the space left in her wake. _Olivia,_ she pleads silently, wishing the detective wasn’t quite so avoidant. _Pot. Kettle... Two avoiders... Perfect!_

Her concave stomach grumbles on cue. Alex makes a promise to challenge their default settings, _if_ she finishes her breakfast.

 

Having looked at the now empty plate for some time, the attorney berates herself for still not getting out of bed. Alex smiles a frustrated smile at the irony of her current situation. _You made a promise..._

Her limbs finally start moving, her head and senses the most focussed they have been in weeks. _Let’s do this, Cabot, before your pathetic body and cowardly mind weaken again!_

She doesn’t waste energy getting dressed, knowing she would use the time to talk herself out of this. _Come on, Cabot!_ she cajoles, privately, pathetically pleased with herself for walking through to the living room without freezing or turning back.

Olivia is sitting on her sofa, her own tray of food empty on her lap; her expression ridden with anxiety as she stares off into space. Only when Alex sits beside her does the detective become aware of her presence and revert her face to a neutral pose.

Unconsciously, they both sit up straighter, as Olivia lowers her head, her shame obvious.

‘Liv,’ Alex whispers, uncertain of where to start. Finding words has never been difficult, apart from when she’s in the company of one Olivia Benson. A shiver runs through her as she tries to verbalise... _what exactly? ‘_ Would you like me to leave?’ _Pathetic!_ She self-scolds as she feels Olivia turn to her.

‘No, Lex, but would you like to leave?’ Alex is very aware of the detectives chocolate brown orbs boring into her flesh.

 _Great, reflecting it back on me. ‘_ No,’ she answers honestly, though until she heard the word herself, she didn’t know which would come.

Instead of turning away, Alex faces her detective. Olivia's heart near bursts at this small but significantly Cabot-like show of courage.

‘I think... we... I think we should talk about last night.’ The attorney takes a steadying breath, relieved she has uttered the deceptively difficult sentence.

 _And this morning,_ Olivia adds as a film of sweat beads her skin. She purposefully shakes her shoulders, to relief some of the tension holding her muscular frame rigid. Alex mirrors her. ‘Which part exactly?’ the detective tries at humour. It falls flat, the attorney not in the mood to hide behind humour now this route has been chosen.

‘I’m sorry you woke up to me... well... naked. I forgot where I was. All I was thinking about...’ _was you, in trouble, hurting. I couldn’t bare it... Nope. Too much._ ‘... was finding out where the noise was coming from... and when I saw you... all I wanted to do was save you from you nightmare,’ Alex says in a rush, hoping she hasn’t verbalised her thoughts; verbalised too much.

Olivia assesses her for a good minute, unknowingly making the blonde squirm under her thin blanket. ‘What sound was I making?’ This wasn’t the question Alex was expecting. _You’re not in the courtroom, Cabot. Not even close,_ though the judgements that may fall in this very room, with this very person, seem so much more damning than losing any case Alex has _ever_ tried.

‘I heard muffled screams from my... your bedroom,’ she corrects herself, trying not to blush at the Freudian slip. ‘When I reached you, you were screaming, so I tried to wake you. When I started shaking you, you understandably freaked and lunged at me.’

Olivia swallows audibly, hating that Alex has seen her so exposed and vulnerable. ‘I’m sorry you had to see that and for lunging at you. Are you sure I didn't hurt you?' she whispers, her eyes finally leaving the blondes magnificent features.

‘You didn't hurt me. I’m so sorry you experienced... that,' Alex tries, knowing she doesn’t have the same skills as Olivia, when it comes to supporting survivors through night terrors. ‘Is there anything I can do to help you?’ she tries anyway, desperate for the woman of her life to not experience further trauma. The attorney knows in her heart of hearts, only therapy can solve this. She would know, or not know, having never sort help herself.

‘Nothing but this,’ Olivia answers truthfully, acknowledging what Alex is doing at this moment: offering her support. ‘Thank you though, Lex. And I truly am sorry you had to hear and see that,’ the brunette apologises again, raising her eyes to meet iridescent cloudy blues.

‘Never feel you have to apologise for something outside of your control, Liv,’ Alex states practically, laying a hand in the space between them, their eyes locked. ‘I’m sorry I ignored your messages; that I didn’t recognise they were a silent plea...’

‘A silent plea?’ Olivia interrupts, laughing mirthlessly, wishing the blonde wasn’t so perceptive.

‘Sorry,’ Alex says quickly, wishing she could keep her mouth shut _or say the right God damn thing._

‘No, I’m sorry. You’re right. I needed you and I was too pathetic to ask, like any normal person would,' Olivia admits, her walls momentarily down.

‘You’re one stubborn, badass lady,’ Alex tries humour this time, uncomfortable with the detectives vulnerability and where this may lead them. A smile flickers across Olivia’s features but it doesn’t reach her eyes. The attorney kicks herself. ‘If I’d answered the phone what would you have wanted to say?’

This is when Olivia wished her Lex wasn’t so bright, _so_ clever. _Damn you, Cabot._ But perhaps more accurately: _damn you, you fool, Benson!_

Cloudy blues penetrate chocolate brown as Olivia tries to think of something that won’t ruin their friendship, forever.

Long minutes pass before Alex finally tears her eyes away from the detective, knowing their direct eye contact is probably making the brunette uncomfortable. Alex, herself, can’t survive another second of the chocolate orbs searching her soul. Though, the attorney swears a low whimper escapes her lips at the break in contact.

‘I’d ask why you never reached out. Why you never got back in touch, once you left witness sec?’ Olivia voices one of her truths, in her mind, the most pressing. Also the most distracting from her own night terrors.

Alex inhales a shaky breath, not expecting the conversation to suddenly 180. _I know what you’re doing Liv,_ the astute blonde thinks to herself, suddenly angry at the detective. ‘I’ve only been out for _eight_ months,’ she voices too defensively. She inhales again. ‘I needed time... to... I just needed time.’ _I didn’t want you seeing the absolute mess I’ve become._

‘To settle back into the real world? To somehow re-find your place in it?’ Olivia voices helpfully, ignoring Alex’s tone. The attorney nods, causing her flaxen mane to spill over her shoulders. The innocent gesture has always made the detective's heart contract, and if she's honest, her clit swell. _Stop, Benson!_ ‘On the surface, it looks like you’re doing well. I heard through the grapevine that your EADA for homicide, _before_ the call. That’s an impressive way of finding you’re purpose,’ Olivia compliments.

Flushes of heat invade Alex’s face. ‘And under the surface?’ the attorney murmurs before she can stop herself.

Olivia is surprised at the vulnerable question. But she stares it, and Alexandra Cabot, in the face. ‘You’re a lost soul trying so desperately to be strong, to be Alex Cabot. But you’ve lived for so long as other people, you don’t know who or where she is. You haven’t sort help for your attempted murder.’ Alex winces at Olivia’s words, but the detective forges on. ‘You haven’t sort help for your PTSD. Hence the self-harm and your complete ignorance or disregard for your sepsis, thinking it was continuous bouts of anxiety and panic attacks,’ the detective rolls off, having gained momentum. _‘Jesus_ Alex, you’re the most intelligent person I know. You could have _died!’_ she stresses before she realises she’s gone too far.

Alex is scrunched into the arm of the sofa so tightly Olivia knows she wishes to disappear. Her head is lowered, her hair hiding her face.

‘Lex... I,’ the brunette starts, feeling like a prize bitch, as she watches the attorneys body start to tremble.

‘You’re right... You’re completely... and... utterly right...’ Alex concedes as she turns to the detective, her face surprisingly dry.

 _Adrenaline,_ Olivia surmises, knowing a fight, flight or freeze response then she sees one. _Shit!_ ‘Lex, can I move to crouch in front of you?’ _Please don’t run from me._

Alex silently nods her head.

The detective moves as promised, leaning on her haunches, directly in front of her friend. ‘Alex,’ she states, keeping her voice low but firm. ‘You’re safe, in my apartment. No one can hurt you...’ _Other than... you,_ Alex thinks unkindly, knowing Olivia’s the only person with the courage, and knowledge, to challenge her when she needs it, even when she doesn’t want it. ‘Sweetie, I'll be here as long as you need me to be, okay?' the detective's words reassure and, unbeknownst to her, terrify Alex in equal measure.

‘How... how about work? Cragen?’ she suddenly wonders, loathing the thought of Olivia getting into trouble because of her.

The detective smiles at this. _Always thinking of others to the detriment of self... wait a minute...?_ Olivia is hit be a rare moment of self-indulgence. _Pot... Kettle..._ ‘The Cap has given me the next two weeks. I haven’t had any leave since my mother died.’ _Oh God, Liv._ ‘I can take more if you need me too,’ she adds quickly, not wanting Alex to feel rushed.

‘Why are you so good to me?’ Alex asks, whilst wondering how the hell they’re going to survive two weeks alone together, without her core exploding like a firecracker.

 _Because I love you._ ‘Because you need a friend. You’ll be doing me a favour really as I needed some time off,’ the detective quips, effortlessly attempting to absolve the attorney of any guilt.

Alex laughs without mirth. ‘And you _call_ this a break?’ she counters, pointing a finger at herself.

 _God no, if I get out of these two weeks alive, I’ll even promise I’ll see a therapist about my night terrors!_ The words remain silent though the slight smirk tweaking Olivia’s lips causes them both to laugh heartily.

Alex had forgotten what it felt like to laugh. The sensation is so entirely unfamiliar, her chest hurts after several bouts. _‘Stop,_ I’m going to throw up in a minute!’ she warns seriously, noting the flicker of concern travel across Olivia's features and hating herself for it. ‘I better call Branch...’ she distracts them both, her hands laid on her aching chest.

‘Already sorted,’ the detective says proudly.

‘What?’ the attorney gazes at the brunette, still squatting in front of her.

‘I called him and told him...’

‘Told him what?’ Alex asks, the alarm in her voice heart-breaking, her eyes suddenly dilated in fear.

‘I told him you had a serious infection that required an unknown recovery period. That’s it.’ Alex exhales the breath she’s been holding, relief and concern still vying for her attention.

‘I think I better call him...’

Olivia moves to stand, shaking her legs slightly to wake them, as she retrieves Alex’s phone from her bedroom.

‘What did you tell Cragen?’ Alex asks, the paranoia of shameful weakness, as a result of years of ‘good’ breeding, suddenly threatens to overwhelm her.

‘Lex,’ the detective says firmly to centre the attorney. ‘All the Cap knows is I’m looking after a very ill relative.’

‘You don’t have any relatives,’ Alex whispers without malice.

‘The Units my family... and you will always be part of that,’ Olivia admits shyly, as tears materialise in the blondes eyes. _Don’t, Cabot!_  Alex warns herself as a semi-contented warmth infuses her bones, heart and soul.

To distract herself, Alex desperately changes tact, ‘Arthur and Don talk, Liv.’

‘So what if they do? You’re ill and I offered to look after you...’

‘No, I _forced_ you to look after me,’ Alex counters angrily.

Olivia squats down in front of her beautiful charge once more. ‘Alex Cabot, it’s rare I’m... _forced_... to do something,’ the pain that one sentence conveys grounds Alex immediately.

‘Christ Liv, I’m so sorry.’ Her arms find there way around Olivia’s shoulders before she can stop herself. As quickly, Olivia places her strong arms under Alex’s, reaching across her back and crushing them together in a fierce embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Dogged Determination: Rebellion chapter uploaded. Enjoy!


	10. Bold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Olivia grow slightly bolder.

Alex nuzzles her face deeper into Olivia’s hair, her scent: firewood and spice: _Autumn_.  _Gorgeous!_ Olivia feels this, taking the gesture as permission to do the same, nuzzling into Alex's natural beachy salt and sun cream scent: _Summer_.

Both women become lost in their embrace, holding onto the love of their life like limpets to a steady rock; the violent seas threatening to wash them away, at any moment. Their arms tighten, their sighs deepen and their hearts shatter, as their intoxicating embrace quenches a decades parched thirst.

Olivia has only held Alex so tightly once before; after the Sam Cavanagh case. The detective held her as the usually aloof attorney cried a torrent of unstoppable tears.

Alex has never held Olivia in a comforting embrace before. Here, now, she’s determined to give every scrap of her strength to the brunette in her arms. Someone who has experienced the most heinous of crimes, who had saved her life, and who has shown Alex, unknowingly, that she is worth comforting, worth kindness, worth _something_.

The attorney tightens her hold still further. The detective follows suit. Both become aware their positions are much the same as last night, save Alex’s nakedness; Olivia’s tight hold keeping the blanket in place.

Alex momentarily jolts as she feels one of the brunettes hands slowly stroke its way up her spine, _Jesus Liv!_ The detective halts her ascent as soon as she feels the attorneys willowy frame tremble.

Alex squeezes Olivia even tighter, silently pleading for her to continue her exploration. The detective reads her right, her hand continuing it’s slow ascent until her fingers are stroking the hair at the base of the attorney’s skull. Alex leans into her touch, closing her eyes, a sigh escaping her lips as Olivia gently loosens their embrace, so she can see the blondes exquisite features, to check for signs of distress; her fingers continuing to massage and stroke Alex’s nape.

All the detective sees is blind pleasure, her other hand travelling up Alex’s spine to support her head as Olivia gently lays Alex down on the couch, making sure the blanket keeps her stunning friend decent. The only word reverberating in the detective’s mind is ‘Trust,’ as Alex’s eyes remain closed, a low moan escaping her lips as Olivia’s magic hands calm and excite in equal measure.

 _Oh Christ!_ Alex's mind exclaims, finding the brunettes touch so hypnotic, she couldn’t move away if she tried. The attorney has always wondered about the power of Olivia’s fingers, and my God, now she knew. She purposely keeps her eyes shut, trusting her saviour and hiding her rioting emotions from said saviour, who she knows is gazing at her so keenly, Alex feels a traitorous blush crimson her cheeks.

Still, she can’t, _won’t_ fight the heavenly sensations rioting through her, from the swirling strokes and tickles Olivia’s nails are lavishing on her nape, behind her ears. _God! I love you, Olivia!_

Alex abruptly opens her eyes, hoping against hope she didn’t just think that, let alone verbalise it. Her cloudy blues met chocolate brown as the detective’s fingers stop their work. _No, don’t stop!_

The attorney searches the detective eyes, for any hint of disgust. Finding none, quite the opposite in fact, Alex tries to look anywhere other than at the beautiful woman directly in front of her; suddenly feeling impaled and achingly readable.

‘I... er...’ she stutters, feeling completely exposed.

‘Did you like that?’ Olivia asks, her fingers still courageously in place, ready to continue.

 _Oh Liv, yes!_ ‘Yes,’ bursts from her lips, both women knowing any other utterance would have been a lie.

Olivia still exhales a sigh of relief, her uncertainty of crossing a line nullified. ‘Would you like me to continue or would you prefer some _you_ time?’ she asks, feeling braver, yet still giving Alex an out. _Only Olivia._ The attorney’s abdomen clenches at the thought of those fingers... _Stop it, Cabot!_

‘Yes please,’ Alex states too loudly, the shock of her words surprising them both.

‘Are you sure?’ Olivia provides yet another out. _For fucks sake Liv!_

‘Yes, God _dammit!’_ she replies forcefully, making the detective smile broadly, and her heart seize with a new certainty. _Alex likes her nape being tickled... by me._

Her fingers immediately continue their task, neither woman quite realising the impact Olivia’s actions and Alex’s acquiescence are having on their, until recently, dormant sexuality.

A warm, tingling sensation rises from the attorneys toes, all the way up to her goose-pimpled neck, where those glorious nails are making Alex’s dreams come true. So much so, she’s helpless to stop it, even when the homophobic part of her brain starts screaming blue murder for her absolute betrayal.

Olivia hums as her fingers skate across the only skin she’s ever wanted to touch, to taste, to... _Enough_ , she self-chastises to quieten her wanton thoughts. Her fingers itch to explore Alex, every last inch of... The detective returns her gaze to _those_ cloudy blues, fascinated by the turbulent sea of emotions she finds there. Her friends internal battle is plain to see as Olivia comes to a decision. Her fingers stop their soothing motion. She then withdraws them, having to clamp her mouth shut to stop the ready whimper of loss from airing itself.

They gaze at each other for several long beats, Alex laid out like an empress on the sofa, Olivia kneeling beside her like a doting slave, willing to do anything to make Alex com-fortable.

‘Sorry if I crossed a line,’ she mutters, hoping the intoxicating woman in front of her found the touch soothing over sexual. _Okay, maybe a little sexual,_ the detective corrects herself. Olivia is utterly aware her own clit _truly_ appreciated the contact. _Pervert!_

‘That was... wonderful,’ Alex admits as she stretches out. Olivia catches the blanket just in time. ‘Thank you,’ she says, breathlessly. Realising she sounds like a poor man’s version of Marilyn Monroe, Alex inhales before opening her mouth once more. ‘If you ever want me to do the same for you, let me know,’ the attorney voices without a stammer, without a husk. _Go Cabot!_ her self-pride bursting from her chest.

Olivia continues to gaze into those iridescent orbs, a smile playing at her lips. ‘How are you with feet?’

The shock she feels remains undetected. Instead, Alex swallows in as sophisticated a manner as she can muster. ‘They don’t bother me,’ she answers truthfully.

Olivia surges forward with renewed boldness. ‘When you’re a little better, I’ve always been partial to a foot rub,’ she verbalises a favourite past-time, her blush not as heated as she expected. _Control right there,_ Liv congratulates herself.

‘Deal,’ Alex agrees, offering her hand to seal it. The detective gladly takes it. ‘We have an accord.’

Both women smile broadly, hoping they won’t regret and punish themselves for these most recent actions. 


	11. Harm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia suspects something. Alex is triggered.
> 
> Major warning for self harm and intense self homophobia.
> 
> I havent edited this much so sorry for any mistakes.

_Jesus, Cabot_ _! What the hell were you thinking?_ Alex self-chastises aggressively as she stares at the object in her hand, with all consuming focus. _You’re disgusting!_ her head screams as every fibre of her being cringes, remembering the way her core quivered with undeniable need as Olivia’s nails caressed and tickled her nape. ‘Oh _God!’_ she breathes harshly, her whole frame trembling, her eyes beginning to blur with traitorous tears.  

Alex attempts to sniff them back, her hand shaking as she runs the razor blade from Olivia’s ‘hidden' shaver lightly over her right thigh. The glide of the blade prickles her skin; the pressure steadily increasing until her flesh gives, a rivet of crimson beading in the wake of the sharp, metallic razor.  

A sigh permeates the air as the blade cuts deeper still; the momentary relief from the homophobic thoughts pummelling her soul, enough to give Alex cause to make a second incision, as measured and deep as the first.  

 _Oh_ _Jesus!_ Alex exhales, her eyes closing momentarily as the physical pain spreads thru her like a calming balm, eradicating every devious thought from her rebellious psyche.  

She opens her eyes as the sensation ebbs, allowing each and every agonising thought to flood her senses; only worse, as the guilt settles in the centre of each cell of her body. 

 _‘Fucking hell, Cabot!’_ she seethes as she watches her own blood run down her leg. Her physical pain now completely subsided; her emotional agony rearing up with such searing force, Alex suddenly balances the razor vertically against her wrist. 

 _Please make it stop!_ Alex begs, as the voices rage on inside her head: _you’re an evil, disgusting, revolting person, who deserves to die... should have died_ _when given the chance..._ _die bitch... lesbian!_  

 _Hitler would’_ _ve_ _killed you, tortured you, experimented on your disturbed, crazy ass!_  

 _You’re so_ _sick,_ _you’re trying to seduce your friend! What kind of person does that?_  

 _Imagine what your mother would've said? It would’ve killed her all over again_ _._ _Trust you not to be at her funeral!_  

 _Arthur is just waiting to get rid of you. This will be the final nail._  

 _And, above all, you’re so self-absorbed_ _,_ _you’re cutting yourself_ _! How pathetic! Call yourself a Cabot?! You're_ _a disgrace!_  

Alex audibly whimpers, desperately cradling her head; praying the voices will cease without tearing her head apart. _Please stop!_   

 _You’re grooming Olivia,_ _you_ _sick fuck! You’re no better than tho_ _se_ _rapists and child molesters. What a fucking hypocrite you are... standing there all high and mighty, when you should be in the defendant’_ _s chair. Spreading your devious intentions to the woman who saved your life... who is taking care of you... hosting you... showering you with kindness..._ _You_ _SELFISH sonofabitch!_  

 _AND taking her one razor and covering it with YOUR blood! You’re_ _a self-centred, crazy, pathetic_ _,_ _useless,_ _weak excuse for a human being!_  

 _Do it! DO IT!_ _The world would be better off witho_ _ut_ _you!_  

Alex cries out in overt terror as the razor starts cutting into her wrist. She grits her teeth; the pain soothing, yet agonising, as the tears flow unchecked down her cheeks.  

‘Alex?’ comes the deep, enquiring voice of the only person who matters. _Stop it, you disgusting..._ ‘Lex? You okay?’ Alex sits bolt upright, her heart ricocheting against her rib cage as she watches the bathroom door with terrified eyes. _It’s not locked, fuck!_ she realises, every sense primed to run. _Run where?_ She swallows thickly, hoping and praying the inquisitive detective has an abrupt change in character and doesn’t investigate further. _Please don’t, Liv._  

Alex stops breathing as the silence continues. She’s sat upright on the toilet seat, the razor poised to further assault her injured wrist; her body inexplicably frozen in utter terror of Olivia Benson _seeing_ her like _this_. _Fuck!_ _Another example of your complete self-absorption_ _... Stop!_  

A knock on the door this time. ‘Lex? I’m worried. Can I come in? I need to check you’re okay?’ _Fuckity_ _fucking fuck!_ Alex knows this isn’t a question. _Olivia is coming in._ _Oh_ _,_ _fucking Jesus!_ Yet, still, she can't move her body. _Move! Goddammit!_ Her body stubbornly refuses. 

With her frame useless and traitorous, there is only one final line of defence. ‘Liv,’ Alex croaks, quickly clearing her throat to not cause further alarm. ‘Liv, I’m okay. I’ve got a bad tummy,’ she states, a tiny confidence in her attorney mask chinking thru the tumultuous thoughts and emotions battering her body, mind and soul. ‘It’s got to be the meds. Please leave me to clean myself up,’ she whispers, trying to keep the pleading desperation from her voice.  

She stares down the door, _knowing_ Liv is deciding whether to believe her or not. Whether to open the door anyway, or not. _Please, Liv._  

‘Can I duck in quickly and grab a tampon?’ _NO!_ Alex’s mind screams, entirely aware Olivia was ‘on' five days ago, having spied her fumble with a sanitary towel before dashing to the ladies; one of the few times she left her hospital bedside. She bits her lip, realising no matter how she answers: calling Liv out on the lie or refusing her point-blank, will lead to the seasoned detective's anxiety being heightened. _Shit!_  

A thought suddenly strikes her: _pass her one thru the door._ _Yes, Cabot!_ Alex shuffles to the bathroom cabinet and retrieves several, just in case Olivia somehow has a ‘make believe’ tsunami. She then steps cautiously to the door, trying and failing to stop her blood dripping onto the floor tiles. _Fuck!_  

The troubled attorney opens the door a crack and attempts to hand the tampons over to a waiting Olivia, using her uninjured hand. The detective completely ignores the requested items. Instead, she stares into cloudy blues with _such_ knowing anxiety, Alex’s lip begins to tremble before she can stop herself. _Oh_ _Jesus,_ _no_ _!_  

‘Lex,’ Olivia speaks again, her tone, the one she uses with victims. _‘_ _Please_ hand it to me,’ she states so quietly, Alex almost doesn't register the slight sob in her voice. 

 _I’m so sorry, Olivia_ _,_ she thinks, seconds before she tries to shut the door on the detective. Olivia is faster, her foot already wedged in the tiny opening. The brunette forces the door, knowing to allow it to close, _would_ be the end of her world.  

‘No, Alex!’ she hisses, using every muscle in her body to push against the attorney's weaker physicality; finally succeeding in entering the small, bloody bathroom.  

Olivia swallows down the gasp teasing her lips as she takes in the scene before her. Her... friend is staring at her like a caged animal, terrified out of her skin, the shame plastered all over her face and in her posture. _Defeated_. _My God._ The detective immediately backs off, giving Alex more room to breathe.  

As the attorney keeps her gaze trained on her, Olivia surveys her injuries. _Two cuts to the right thigh. Both more than an inch across, at least a centimetre deep. No muscle damage but they’ll need stitches. Wrist: one shallower cut, but vertical._ _Fuck Alex!_ Olivia attempts to keep her thoughts and quiet assessment to herself, aware her friends _needs_ her. Now.  

‘If you give me the razor, you can trash my entire apartment and beat me, if you want. Just, _please,_ give it to me,’ she openly begs now, her hand out, waiting.  

Alex looks at her palm, patiently waiting for the object that can end all her worries, anxieties and heartache. They both know she won't hand it over.  

‘I’m sorry.’  

The utterance blindsides Alex. She shakes her head incredulously. ‘What the _he_ _ll_ do you have to be sorry for, Olivia? You have taken care of me, housed me, fed me, _bathed_ me, comforted me. Oh, and you happened to save my _life!’_ the attorney argues passionately. ‘You couldn’t be doing more! I don’t _deserve_ you...’ 

‘Hey,’ Olivia whispers, begging her body to stay put though every fibre of her body pleads to go to her struggling... Alex. ‘There’s only one reason I’m doing this,’ the detective starts before stopping herself. _Because I love you._ ‘Because you DO deserve it! I wouldn’t be doing this unless I truly cared for someone. You are my... friend. A good friend. Personally, I see you as my best friend. I want you in my life. I wish to help you thru this. _Please_ let me help you,’ she finishes breathlessly; her tone one note away from desperate. 

‘How?’ Alex whispers pitifully, utterly broken in front of the woman of her life, and hating herself for it. 

‘Talk to me,’ Olivia suggests softly, still maintaining her distance. 

‘Why? How?’ Alex repeats, aware Olivia is both _the_ person to speak to _and_ the _only_ person her truths will be impossible to share with. 

‘Because I’m _here_. And I will remain here, until you throw me out,’ the detective reasons. ‘And we will figure that out together. But, generally when people self-harm, something triggers them.’ 

Alex gazes at Olivia for so long, the detective wonders if she heard her. 

‘I know,’ she finally decides to confess, lifting up her t-shirt and revealing several angry looking scars across her abdomen. ‘I _know_.’  


	12. Triggers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia tries to save/support Alex.  
> Real life steps taken.  
> Huge trigger warning for self-harm discussion.
> 
> You`re wish is my command Chely99.

Alex looks at the scars ripping thru Olivia’s abdomen, in horror. _Oh Jesus! How dare you hurt herself_ _,_ _alone, without me to take care of_ _you_ _. Don’t you realise what you..._ The attorney stops her ludicrous and hypocritical thoughts. _Is this how Olivia feel_ _s_ _ab_ _o_ _ut_ _my... cutting? No. She doesn’t love me like I... Was she triggered by her rape?_ _T_ _he job? Her upbringing? Me leaving? Stop being so self... ‘Why?’_ Alex finally interrupts her own toxic mind.   

Olivia is struck by the blunt question, even though it comes from Alex Cabot; formerly the most forthright person she knew. ‘If I tell you, will you promise to go to the ER with me?’ The bargaining starts. _Go?_ Alex is shocked by the suggestion; is repelled by it. She reels back into the bathroom like she’s been slapped.  

 _‘No!’_ she screams, curling herself into a ball between the toilet and the wall. _Oh God!_ Olivia thinks. Even the seasoned detective knows when she’s in over her head. Alex needs professional help, _stat!_   

The brunette cautiously approaches the cowering blonde. She gets as near as she dares and waits, her soul crumbling as she watches the love of her life fall apart. _Wait, Liv._  

Finally, a terrified Alex meets Olivia’s expertly calm eyes. _Years of practice_. Her heart ricochets in her chest as she maintains this contact and starts inhaling thru her nose for four second, exhaling thru her mouth for eight seconds. The detective continues her mission until Alex’s breathing eventually falls in line with hers, the motion calming and normalising for both of them. 

An unknown amount of time later, the attorney finally looks away from the detectives eyes, nose and mouth; trusting herself to breathe alone, trusting her heartrate to fall further by looking elsewhere. It does. ‘I’m sorry Liv,’ she says, still hugging her knees in a tight ball. 

Olivia quickly assesses the pooling blood around Alex's legs and... bottom. She is starting to shake and pale from the slow, yet significant, loss of blood. _Is she_ _haemophilic_ _?_ crosses Olivia’s mind, _because_ _the two thigh cuts_ _are_ _deep but not deep enough to nick an artery_ _; the wrist gash shallow and superficial._ _Where is all this blood coming from?_  

‘Lex,‘ the detective says gently, to regain Alex’s attention. _Her_ _eyes_ _are_ _un_ _focus_ _ed and dilated_ _._ _Shit!_ ‘I need to get you to a hospital, right now. I’m sorry sweetie. I know you don’t want to but...’ Olivia doesn’t finish her sentence. The struggling attorney shivers with soul-destroying despair; her absent emotions suddenly releasing in a deluge of utter devastation. _Christ!_ Alex’s body wracks with trembling spasms as she gasps for breath; her iridescent pupils, fully dilated in absolute terror.  

Olivia can only look on helplessly as Alex’s panic reaches a precipice. She blacks out, into serene yet devastating unconsciousness.  

The detective moves quickly, scooping up the weightless blonde and grabbing a blanket, before carrying her to the lift; making a judgement call she hopes she won’t regret. _I can get us there faster_. 

As soon as Alex is safely stowed in the passenger seat, Olivia turns on the blues in her unmarked police car. As soon as she hits the streets, the siren blasts out across the New York night.   

 

It works. _Seven minutes_ . The detective parks her unmarked car illegally, rushing a still unconscious Alex into Bellvue without bothering to lock the vehicle. _Not important_.  

A paramedic notices the stunning, night-gowned brunette racing toward him with an equally beautiful, blanket covered blonde. He calls his colleague over. Within seconds, Alex is on a bed and being trolleyed into the emergency room.   

Olivia follows, not taking her eyes off of _her_ charge; her thoughts entirely focused on the woman who gives her reason to breathe.    

A hand finally halts her advance into the ER. She searches her person, kicking herself as she remembers her badge is on the kitchen counter, at home. _Useless!_ _F_ _uck!_ Olivia tries to follow Alex's bed but soon, she loses sight of her. _Boundaries be damned!_ Olivia pushes thru the ER doors and makes for the last place she saw her Alex.  

Another hand stops her, just as she hears her name. ‘Detective Olivia Benson? Over here,’ a familiar voice calls. _Bronwyn_. The hand disappears as quickly as it came.  

The detective jogs over to the familiar ER doctor, relieved to see her and three others, working on Alex. Their eyes meet and hold for mere seconds, but a entire story is communicated between them. _Panic attack, self-harm_ _,_ _copious_ _bleeding._  

‘There’s a lot of blood for two cuts and a nick,’ Bronwyn spies within seconds, reading Olivia’s mind.  

The four ER doctors quickly strip Alex, a necessity to explore and assess every possible cause. Olivia averts her gaze, not wishing to invade the attorney’s privacy any more than she already has. 

They cautiously turn her over, wondering if her back will reveal the reason behind the sheer amount of blood. _Nothing_. Olivia’s lungs seize as she waits, as patiently as a passionate detective can, for the doctors to diagnose the _real_ cause.  

When they focus on Alex’s thighs and genital area, Olivia gulps back a sob. _Not Alex!_ the SVU detective silently screams, recognising the manner in which the doctors are assessing and treating her best friend. She turns away as Bronwyn enters Alex with a speculum, the other doctors taking numerous blood samples as yet more wait to transfuse units back into her body; searching for what the seasoned detective already knows. _Lex_. 

 

17 hours later  

Alex finally renters the world of the conscious. She recognises the monotonous beeps of the hospital machines first. The slight chill and papery feel of her hospital gown next. The IV in the back of her hand, the parched feel of her mouth and the dull ache in her abdomen, last. Her eyes fly open as her hands jolt down to her stomach. A single tear falls from her eye as she becomes aware of a presence beside her. Without looking up, she whispers her name, ‘Liv...’ her voice shudders breathlessly, _knowing_ the woman of her life now knows. ‘I...’ Alex struggles, licking at her dry lips anxiously.  

‘Would you like some water, Lex?’ the gentle, dulcet tones of _her_ Olivia Benson invade every fibre of her soul.  

‘Please,’ she croaks as the detective offers her a straw, from which she slurps unashamedly.  

‘Not too much, too quickly,’ Olivia suggests, withdrawing the delicious, thirst quenching liquid before Alex’s empty stomach rebels. 

After restoring some semblance of hydration, Alex fusses and picks at her IV. _Distraction,_ Olivia concludes knowingly, not worried she’ll actually remove it.  

‘You’re more than welcome back at mine, if you want?’ the detective offers, desperately plucking for a safe-ish topic, until/if the attorney is ever ready.  

This draws Alex’s attention, her brow furrowed in overt confusion. ‘I should be in a mental hospital, Liv. I’m too much... I’m too much for you, for anyone,’ she voices with venom, already berating herself, again.  

‘Hey,’ the brunette states softly but firmly, winning the attorneys absolute attention, Alex’s eyes conveying a hurt and vulnerability Olivia has never seen before. _Oh Alex._ ‘Bronwyn will need to ask you some questions, and if you do wish to...’ 

‘Questions?’ the attorney suddenly looks ready to bolt.  

 _Shit!_ ‘Some questions they ask everyone before they leave,’ Olivia gives a half-truth. 

‘Everyone’s who's self-harmed, you mean?’ Alex asks astutely, unknowingly taking her friends breath away. 

‘Yes,’ Olivia admits, not wanting to lie to _her_ brain-box. 

 

Two hours later  

‘... have you ever had thoughts of going to sleep and never waking up?’ Bronwyn asks softly; the ER buzzing around them, affording little privacy. 

Alex glances at Olivia, her eyes urging her to be honest. _God, please be honest._ ‘Yes.’ The detective’s heart drops to the floor. 

‘In the past three months, how often have you felt that?’ 

‘Most nights,’ Alex mumbles as Bronwyn and Olivia school their features. 

‘How often in the last week?’  

‘Every night,’ the attorney admits, tearing her eyes away from Olivia and hating herself for the hurt in those Bambi, chocolate orbs.  

 _I’m really not helping her!_ the detective’s mind screams, as her soul shatters into a million pieces.  

‘When you’ve woken up in the morning, what is your first feeling/thought?’  

‘No,’ Alex voices succinctly.  

‘No?’ Bronwyn reflects. 

‘Just no.’ 

‘When you woke up in your hospital bed, how did you feel?’ 

Alex frowns at the similarity to the last question. ‘Like a failure. Like I wanted to sink back into the dark numbness.’ Olivia silences a moan of anguish, her body frozen in hopelessness. 

‘Wanted?’ 

‘Want,’ Alex corrects herself.  

‘What made you unlock the door?’ 

 _Olivia: my one_ _obsession, my one (of many) poison._ ‘Olivia. She... needed some products.’ 

‘What stopped you cutting your wrist, deeper?’ 

‘Olivia.’ _My only happiness, my only (not true)... my_ _most agonising pain._  

‘If Olivia hadn’t knocked when she did, would you have ended your life?’ 

‘Yes,’ Alex answers without hesitation.  

 _Oh God, Alex!_  

‘What did you use to cut yourself with?’ 

‘Sorry Olivia,’ Alex turns to her detective once more, her eyes bursting with guilt-ridden tears. ‘I used Olivia’s ‘hidden' razor. I found it in her toothbrush holder.’  

 _I’m so sorry, Alex._  

‘Was it clean?’ 

‘No,’ the detective supplies when Alex doesn’t answer. 

‘Have you thought about what it would be like to be dying?’ 

This question surprises the attorney. She looks at Bronwyn for the first time. ‘Yes. I thought I was dying in that bathroom. I think I’m dying every time I have a panic attack, a shortness of breath; every time, seconds before, I collapse,’ Alex answers heatedly. 

‘And what does that feel like?’ Bronwyn continues, bravely. 

‘Hell. Like I’ve lost control. Like someone’s taken over my body and I can’t... I can’t stop it!’ A tear travels the length of her exquisite face as Olivia’s chest heaves in agony. 

‘You want _it_ to stop?’  

 _‘YES!’_ Alex yells, vehemently. ‘All of it. I just want it to stop. I want peace, quiet; to be left alone.’ Olivia’s heart seizes, mid-beat. 

‘So you say it’s like hell, when you feel you’re dying?’ Bronwyn avoids the obvious question. That’s for a psychiatrist.  

‘Yes,’ Alex replies, calmer. 

‘What’s it like when you're not feeling like you’re dying?’ 

‘Trapped. Waiting for the next time. It’s inevitable,’ Alex states, shocking Olivia. 

‘What’s inevitable?’ 

‘Dying.’ 

‘Can you explore that further with me?’ Bronwyn urges. 

‘I feel like I’m dying at least three times a week, more if I help it along...’ 

‘Panic attacks three times a week or...?’ 

‘Panic attacks, yes. More if I’m triggered or I self-harm to an attempt stage.’ 

‘In the past three months have you done anything, started to do anything, or prepared to do anything to end you life?’ 

‘Yes, twice. Two months ago and the miserable fail last night.’ _Okay, this is slightly more.... promising,_ Olivia cringes at her own thoughts. _It’s not been daily_ _and she_ _’_ _s sharing_.  

‘Two months ago?’ Bronwyn presses. 

‘Yes. I tied some pantyhose to a doorknob. They tore before I...’ Olivia bites her lip to silence a whimper as Alex details her agonising, inner turmoil. _Hanging. Always take hanging seriously._  

‘Did you seek medical attention?’ 

Alex shakes her head briefly. ‘No. I didn’t need it.’ 

‘What triggered your attempt two months ago?’  

Alex just looks at the doctor, her mouth slightly open, her eyes pooling in abject shame. _My Alex._  

‘Have you had thoughts of killing yourself between then and last night?’ Bronwyn moves on, not wishing to force her or ruin this seemingly open conversation. 

‘Yes, but I haven’t acted on them.’ 

‘Did anything change to stop you acting on them?’  

‘I was successful in securing a job. It distracted me for a while. It required my full attention.’ 

‘What changed?’ Bronwyn continues diligently. Olivia grips the bed rail, vice-like. 

 _Olivia_.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Generally this conversation would take place in a more private setting, with a psychiatrist present.  
> Nor is this a verbatim conversation.


	13. Choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is given a surprising choice.  
> Her decision shocks Olivia.
> 
> Fiction besides meds and EMDR treatment..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you are Chely99 and Wolve02.

12 hours ago  

Alex was given two choices: be sectioned or under the constant supervision of Olivia Benson, at ‘home’... _Olivia’s home_. Both women knew the second option was only on the table due to Olivia being a detective. When these alternatives were offered to her, Alex snorts darkly. _Physical or mental_ _torture_ _._ _Fucking great!_  

Both options would involve mandatory participation in thrice-weekly psychiatrist sessions. A script of 100mg fluoxetine (once daily), 40mg propranolol (once daily, after diazepam script complete) and 10mg diazepam (three times for the first 24 hours, twice daily for three days, once daily for four days) with bi-weekly monitoring appointments. This script would be handled by Olivia for obvious reasons. 

The decision was daunting, but Alex realised how lucky she was to have one. Either be sectioned and so detained for an indeterminate length of time in a mental health unit; her idea of hell. Or be under the constant watch of the women whose her greatest pleasure, and most agonising pain. Even _more_ painful than her _other_ triggers; the ones she compartmentalised so deeply, _only_ her traitorous body and the doctors resulting treatment brought them crashing back, devastating the vulnerable attorney. Alex truly lost it then, requiring sedation.  

 _Yes, I_ _’m_ _lucky to have a choice._ _But_ _was_ _it even ethical to_ _allow the patient to decide_ _?_ The attorney wasn’t going to verbalize her thoughts. Was terrified to, in case Bronwyn, her stop-gap psychiatrist and/or the other medical staff realised the error of their ways and sectioned her indefinitely. 

Alex was finally afforded her own private room, though she was constantly monitored and accompanied.  

Alex felt chocolate brown eyes probe her face as Dr Anders reiterated the possibilities. The attorney swallowed harshly, _loathing_ the trials and tribulations of the past three years; the present. _Since_... _enough self-pity, Cabot! You brought this on yourself: being punchy with a drug lord, allowing yourself to get drunk and vulnerable, putting Olivia as your next of kin..._  

Alex met those assessing brown orbs. _Why?_ her mind asked silently, desperate to know why Olivia agreed to her end of the bargain, without blinking. _Why would anyone_ _offer to put themselves in such a_ _..._  

‘So, what’s it to be, Alex?’ my psychiatrist asked softly, his eyes gentle but earnest. Both women knew the hospital needed Alex's bed. 

 _Surely_ _,_ _I don’t need to make a decision, right now?_  

‘Perhaps give her sometime Doctor?’ Olivia suggested hurriedly, reading Alex's mind.  

 

Present  

(First script ingested and the initial psychiatrist appointment scheduled for tomorrow). 

Alex prepares for a shower in the _very_ bathroom she attempted to take her life. Again, she asks herself why she chose the more challenging of two evils; _Punishment_ _,_ _and_ _institutionalisation_ _stays on_ _your_ _personal file, for an eternity._  

 

11 hours ago  

The attorney actively listed pros and cons, at the behest of her stop-gap psyche. Her list erred towards institutionalization. Only one thing stopped her voicing this option. _Better_ _the angel you know._ _The unit maybe safe, it may be entirely unsafe. It may work, it may not_ _. With her Olivia... stop using that turn of phrase, Cabot_. With Olivia, Alex knows the detective has her best interests at heart. _In a locked, enclosed_ _institution (prison),_ _the staff, the fellow patients (prisoners)_ _may wish to hurt_ _me_ _, crush_ _me_ _,_ _kill_ _me_ _._ An irrational thought, but a very _real_ one to an entrenched PTSD sufferer.  

Alex was officially diagnosed following appropriate tests and observation, hence the thrice weekly psychiatrist appointments. One for EMDR, one for a follow up to the EMDR, the last a monitoring session. 

  

Present  

As Alex removes her borrowed shirt from her body, she glances at Olivia standing in the doorway; the detective looking respectfully down, but still observing her from the corner of her eye.  

The blonde grasps the available towel and wraps it tightly around her, even though the shower is but two steps away. _She’ll_ _need_ _to watch me shower,_ _dress,_ _use the_ _toilet, until the psychiatrist_ _trusts me enough not to abuse private time._ _Jesus_ _!_  

The attorney had thought this aspect thru, perhaps more than any other. _The idea of Olivia seeing_ _my_ _self-harm_ _scars_ _;_ _the scars left by others:_ _the_ _bullet wound,_ _my_ _appendix scar... the knife_ _._ _.._ Her hand abruptly covers her mouth, as she tries desperately to halt the punishing waves of nausea. 

‘Lex?’ the detective asks, concerned. _She really is watching me. Oh_ _Jesus_ _,_ _Olivia_ _!_  

‘I’m fine...’ Alex clears her throat, knowing she won’t convince the eagle-eyed detective. ‘I’m having some unhelpful thoughts about you seeing me like this,’ she eventually voices her truth. Another condition of her _release_ : sharing her thoughts as they come. The attorney’s entire body flushes with embarrassment, as Olivia fights the overwhelming urge to openly stare at the breath-taking vision beside her _. Breathe_. 

‘What can I do to help with that?’ the brunette asks, her voice tight; her pulse racing, her heart hammering, her lungs ricocheting at the soul-destroying temptation to drink in the exquisitely naked form of her ideal woman. _Don’t Olivia! Behave yourself_ _,_ the detective mantras, desperately; her quivering clit urging her to thrust her hips forward. _No!_ Olivia inhales several deep, calming breathes before she mentally renters the room.  

‘You’ve cleared your place out, for me...’ Yet another condition: conduct a full sweep of her apartment for possible life-ending items. A six-page list of items later, Olivia’s apartment looks decidedly Feng Shui. ‘Surely the only thing in here...’ 

‘You could drown yourself, Lex,’ Olivia interrupts gravely, her voice soft but her meaning clear: _the kitchen and bathroom are the most dangerous areas in any home._ _I_ _can’t_ _leave you._  

Alex steps into the shower, her head hanging low in shame; one arm covering her breasts, the other hiding as many scars as possible whilst centring over her genital area.  

‘I can only imagine how difficult and uncomfortable this is for you, Alex. But I will never look directly at you when you’re...’ _Please, if nothing else,_ _let me_ _keep this promise,_ Olivia pleads with herself. ‘I’m just here in case you need me for something.’ 

‘You’re here in case I move suddenly...’ _in an effort to kill myself._  

‘That too. But I don’t have to stare directly at you to do it,’ the detective continues in her attempts to reassure her vulnerable charge.  

Alex punctuates the resulting silence with the spray of the shower. The feel of the warm water momentarily eases her tense muscles, her seemingly insurmountable anxieties. She dips her head under the spray, allowing its warmth to seep down into her very core. ‘Oh!’ Alex’s unable to suppress a moan as her body is reintroduced to the concept of clean. _Clea_ _n... a notion_ _I’l_ _l never feel again... S_ _top!_ she chides herself. _Be present_ _,_ she self-talks, mindfully, parroting a technique her psychiatrist suggested. _Olivia’s watching..._ _b_ _e present!_ Alex stems the next unhelpful thought. _The water... the feel... the warmth... the power..._ _washing away my filth... Jesus Cabot!_  

Another thought suddenly strikes her, ‘How will you shower... and... use the... facilities..?’ Olivia can’t help the tiny smile that crosses her lips at Alex's avoidance of the word toilet.  

‘That’s when the straight-jacket comes out...’ the detective quips morbidly, hoping Alex realises she’s joking. 

A sudden splash of water tells Olivia, Alex is staring at her in an attempt to read her features.  

 _Shit!_ ‘Sorry, Lex. Bad timing,’ she immediately regrets her poor attempt at humour. _Idiot Benson!_   _Fuck, I'm tired!_

The remainder of the shower is conducted in stony silence. 


	14. Awkward Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Olivia try to dodge the awkwardness of their current situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't real life

* * *

Alex turns the shower off, opens the Perspex door and quickly cocoons her willowy frame on a body towel. She uses another to wrap her dripping wet trellises. Olivia clenches her teeth to stop her arousal consuming her. Her entire body tenses as flames of excruciatingly inappropriate need, scorch and tease her core. She folds her lips, gagging the whimper that threatens to ruin _everything_.  

The detective has dreamt of smelling _her_ attorneys damp, newly washed hair, ever since she knocked on her door _that_ night, to a ruffled, sleepy and achingly beautiful Alexandra Cabot, in desperate need of a warrant. _Stop with the ownership_ _thoughts_ _, Benson._ _L_ _ex isn’t_ _yours_ _._  

When Olivia finally escapes her own reverie, she realises the enthralling blonde is waiting for her to unblock the door. The detective moves aside, giving her room to flee the bathroom. The scent of her shower gel and shampoo on Alex’s skin, nearly overwhelms her senses. Olivia allows her a few moments privacy, to regain control of herself, before she follows her charge into the bedroom.  

Alex is standing next to the bed, lost in thought. ‘Penny for your thoughts?’ Olivia enquires softly, wanting to help her in any way she can.  

The attorney looks up, her shimmering, cloudy blue orbs an open window to her desperation. ‘I... what do I wear? Where and how do we sleep?’ Olivia’s heart seizes at the turmoil she’s witnessing. 

‘You take the bed. I’ll bring in the spare mattress and make a little den near the door...’ _in front of it to ensure any escape_ _attempts_ _,_ _into the_ _‘_ _danger zones_ _’_ _,_ _are_ _thwarted_ _._  

Alex stares at the detective then, utterly aware of the reasoning behind her suggestion.  

‘The psychiatrist thought it best you only have assess to clothes during the day,’ Olivia states as delicately as possible. _Oh God! I forgot about that._ ‘I’m going to do the same, if it makes you feel more comfortable?’ _No, that won’t help! That’s the worst_ _fuck_ _in_ _g_ _idea!_  

Olivia notices Alex's increasingly shallow breaths as the hopeless and claustrophobic nature of their predicament becomes ever more real. ‘Hey,’ the detective whispers, gaining the blondes attention. ‘I’m going to be on the floor, here...’ the brunette points to her invisible den. ‘... not in the bed... I won’t touch you, or do anything without your permission first, okay?’ Olivia tries to comfort her struggling Lex. 

The blonde just looks at her host, her heroine; her head suddenly in her hands as she breaks down in tears. _Oh, Olivia..._ _I_ _don’t deserve_ _you_ _..._ _your_ _care..._ _Th_ _is_ _..._ _agony_ _..._ _is tearing me apart..._  

The detective watches redundantly for several beats, knowing to touch Alex could spook her and ruin this achingly fragile truce they have agreed.  

Lung-busting surprise ricochets thru Olivia's every nerve-ending when Alex slowly curls herself into her chest, silently screaming for comfort. ‘Can I hug you?’ the detective asks, wanting to be absolutely sure. 

The softest ‘Yes,’ rushes past the attorneys lips as Olivia’s entire body erupts with molten heat. She envelopes Alex in her arms; the EADA snuggling her face into the crook of her detective’s neck, as the polar extremes of heaven and hell vie for their attention.  

In her fight to not terrify her sobbing charge, Olivia remains absolutely frozen. Though every fibre of her being urges her to stroke Alex's hair, to caress the small of her back, her... _Don_ _’_ _t Benson!_  

Alex smells the delicious, wood fire scent of her... _my_ _friend._ She doesn’t even try to hide the fact she's openly glorifying in Olivia’s unique, core quivering smell. She internally chastises herself as her nose follows the jut of the brunette’s collarbone. _What the hell are you doing, Cabot?! Stop it! You freak! Before Olivia throws you out!_  

Olivia tries to silence her absolute recognition of what her intoxicating charge is doing. _She’s... Lex is_ _smelling me?!_ _God, I hope I smell good._ The detective has _never_ been more aroused in her life as she remains routed to the spot, _wan_ _ting_ and _needing_ this contact more desperately than her body requires oxygen. _Please don’t stop!_ Then conflicting thoughts flood her psyche. _No, this is wrong. Stop_ _..._ _Benson. You’re in a position of power_ _and trust,_ _right now_ _._ _Don’t_ _abuse it_ _!_ Sensibility finally hits. _How do I stop this without_ _Lex_ _feeling_ _rejected? Fuck!_ Olivia uses every ounce of her strength to pull away from Alex.  

‘I need to use the bathroom,’ she voices, proud she has thought of something requiring a practical urgency. 'Do you need to use the bathroom, or some water, or anything?’ the detective asks, before she leaves the room to tend to herself.  

The attorney looks at her, guilt and shame written all over her face.  

‘Alex,’ Olivia draws her iridescent orbs once more. ‘Was the hug okay?’ she checks, nervous of leaving before they’ve broached this current elephant in the room.  

 _More than okay,_ Alex’s mind screams. ‘Yes. Sorry, I wiped my nose on you,’ she finally deflects her obvious behaviour with a laughable, yet ingenious, explanation. The blonde stares into Olivia’s soul, preying she believes her pathetic reasoning. _Better_ _gross_ _than all out disgust._  

Olivia can’t help the smile that tugs at her lips. _Okay, I’ll_ _let i_ _t fly._ ‘It’s okay, I needed a shower anyway,’ she concedes charitably, saving Alex face.  

The attorney looks away before the brunette can read her reaction. _Move on, detective._ ‘So, do you need anything before I..?’ she repeats once more.  

‘No,’ Alex replies as she frees her glorious flaxen mane from its cocoon. _Fucking_ _hell_ _!_ Olivia swallows thickly, utterly transfixed. _Stop staring, you_ _perv_ _!_  

Just as cloudy blues connect with chocolate brown, the detective purposely turns to the door, _knowing_ her desire is clearly discernible on her face. At the last second, she remembers... ‘I’m going to need your towels...’  

Alex shows her displeasure at this, her hair towel going flying. ‘This is so...’ 

‘.. fucked up?’ Olivia finishes for her, dispelling some of the tension. ‘Yes, it is. I promise I’m not trying to be obstructive. I just...’ 

‘I know. I’m sorry. I suppose even though we agreed, I'm still shocked by what they think I could do with a towel,’ she replies heatedly, understanding her position, yet _loath_ _ing_ it. _You only have yourself to blame, Cabot._ ‘I’m sorry, Liv. Being all self-absorbed again whilst you’re the one _truly_ being put out.’ 

Anger spikes in the detective, taking her by surprise. She breathes deeply for several beats, knowing to respond immediately won't help matters. _Whoever_ _destroyed my Alexandra needs_ _murdering_ _!_ ‘Sit down Lex,’ the brunette asks gently before sitting an appropriate distance away from her, on the bed. Alex's fearful orbs shatter Olivia’s heart. ‘I chose to do this. I haven’t been put out. I haven’t been made, or forced, or coerced into doing this. I _want_ to help you. I _want_ to be here for you,’ she voices, softly and slowly, not trusting her tone to remain even. ‘I’m going to do _everything_ I can to keep you safe, to build you up and set your emotions free.’ Olivia bites her lip to stop it trembling. ‘This was _my_ decision to make, _not_ yours. You made the decision to come with me. So, we're in this together. A team. Okay? Team CaBenson!’ Olivia marvels at her own sudden creativity, causing a slight laugh from Alex. 

 _Christ, you’re adorable._ _Jesus, Cabot!_ ‘I like that,’ she admits, her eyes momentarily dancing.  

‘Good,’ the detective smiles back, her heart in her mouth. ‘Well, it’ll _actually_ be Team TaCaBenson because a certain feline, fluff-ball might be coming to stay, _if_ you want him to?’ Olivia offers, knowing the powerful impact fur-babies can have on the recovery of their mentally struggling parent/s.  

Alex’s crystalline orbs burst with _such_ joy, the detective almost melts into the sheets. ‘You would _do_ that, for me?’ _I would do anything for you, stupid!_  

‘Course,’ the detective answers briefly, not trusting herself to say more.  

 _‘_ Thank you, Liv!’ the attorney threads her fingers thru her damp mane, for lack of any better ideas of how to celebrate her son coming home. _Don’t touch_ _her_ _!_ Alex orders herself, succeeding.  

‘Okay. I _really_ need to go now,’ Olivia states with actual urgency, holding out her hand and blindly waiting for Alex to give her the towels. Once she does, the brunette pauses. ‘You can come in with me if you'd prefer not too...’ 

 _God, no!_ Alex’s mind screams, finding the idea of watching Detective Olivia Benson showering, spine-tinglingly appealing. ‘Lock me in,’ the blonde grinds out, hoping, praying the brunette doesn’t turn to glance at her abused and scarred form.  

Olivia nods her head; so disgusted with herself for feeling disappointed, she exits the room at pace, to escape the very real fact her ideal woman is currently naked in _her_ bedroom. She locks the door, something agreed by all parties, before allowing the quivers of need to radiate up her abdomen and the sadness to seize her soul.  

Olivia strips, uses the toilet, then proceeds to hose herself down. When the cold water doesn’t work, the detective distracts herself by holding and aiming the showerhead down her body. _Don_ _’t_ _Olivia!_  

 

Alex hears the door lock behind her heroine. She stands there, naked, staring at the door for interminable minutes, waiting for the woman of her life to return. Eventually, she lays down under the one sheet provided. _Why am I allowed this_ _but_ _not a towel?_ she asks herself, confused.  

She doesn’t dwell on this too long; her thoughts instead imaging Olivia in the shower, her muscular form exposed to her hungry eyes. _For_ _Christ’s_ _sake_ _,_ _Cabot!_ Alex self-chastises, _hating_ that she can’t control her mind. _Think of Taco_ _._ _.. Yes, Taco. My beautiful king. I’m seeing him tomorrow..._ _abs... suds... moist... wet..._  


	15. Vulnerable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex reveals something, unconsciouslessly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Chely99 and Miranda ❤
> 
> Sorry for any mistakes, I haven't really edited before posting. 
> 
> Trigger warnings and tags apply!!

* * *

Alex stares at the ceiling as Olivia knocks on the bedroom door and waits, announcing her return. ‘Come in,’ the attorney calls flatly, ashamed at how excited she is to be sharing a room with Olivia overnight; one of many fantasies playing out without her consent.

Alex's conflicting emotions rage an all out war, inside her: _give in to the ache searing thru my soul and risk igniting repulsion in Olivia. Or keep my shit together long enough to survive this self-induced prison, equal parts heaven and hell._

Olivia enters, a towel wrapped around her wet body, her short hair in spikey disarray. _Sexy as hell,_ Alex’s mind rebels against her. She looks away, just as those chocolate brown eyes read the wanton expression on her face. _Jesus! Think, Cabot._

‘You don’t need to knock, to enter your own bedroom, Liv,’ Alex states, utterly aware her tone is too caustic in her haste to divert her mortification.

Soft orbs measure the attorney quietly. ‘I do when a friend is sharing my room,’ Olivia responds, immediately regretting her words when Alex apologises.

‘Alex...’ the detective whispers gently, her exasperation at this shell of the Alexandra Cabot she knew, soul-destroying. The detective runs a hand thru her damp waves, as she sits at the foot of the bed. ‘I... I didn’t mean... I _want_ you to be here...’ _Shit! Too much._ ‘I... Every time you apologise for something _I’ve_ decided or been mutually party to, you owe me a quarter,’ Olivia finally spouts, in hopes of camouflaging her own embarrassment. The attorney smiles, despite herself. ‘Mind if I dry myself in here or would you prefer...’

Alex's clit quivers, disgusting her. _Please God..._ she doesn’t actually know which side of the track she’s praying for.

‘... I always dry in here as the bathrooms a bit... small,’ Olivia explains further, abruptly self-conscious of the true reason. She noticed Alex’s expression when she walked in moments before. _And Alex was definitely smelling me earlier... Stop, Olivia. What the hell are you thinking? She’s so vulnerable and you’re..._

‘It’s your place, Liv. Act like I’m not here,’ the blonde suggests, wanting her kind detective to relax from the burden she knows she’s creating. Olivia shivers despite herself, wanting nothing more than to release her body from its constrictive towel and cuddle up to her... her...

‘First, I’ll get that mattress.’

 

After a rather exhausting, one-handed effort (the other keeping her towel from falling and exposing her), and Alex's ridiculous offer of assistance, Olivia manages to fit the mattress into the tiny space, with just enough room for any final bathroom visits.

‘I think I dried then got wet again!’ Liv quips as she wipes her brow dramatically.

Alex, still and unmoving under the thin sheet provided, stares into those beads of sweat upon the detectives brow; desperately trying _not_ to imagine Olivia Benson... _wet._

‘Need to use the toilet? Water? Anything?’ the detective huffs, finally catching her breath, _from the exertion,_ she tells herself.

‘No thanks, Liv. Please lie down. You’ve had a long day,’ Alex whispers, her innate care for the detective apparent. A soft chuckle escapes Olivia's lips as she acquiesces, turning the light off before finally unravelling herself from the towel, discarding it in the hallway. The detective then pushes the mattress against the door, trapping them in, to prevent Alex going on any mid-night adventures without her knowledge.

‘If you need anything, please wake me. I don’t sleep well anyway so you’ll be doing me a favour by entertaining me,’ Olivia says truthfully, her night-terrors from the previous few days telling of her disturbed sleep patterns.

‘Thanks Olivia. Now _please_ take some time for you,’ Alex states frustratedly, the detective's constant care irritating her beyond measure.  _You ungrateful heathen!_ she immediately chastises herself; her head burrowing further into the pillow-less mattress.

 

Sleep doesn’t grace them for hours; both women staring up at the ceiling, terrified they’ll snore, have a nightmare or fart.

_The woman of my life is sleeping within two feet of me, naked... Oh God!_

_My ideal woman is sleeping, naked, within three feet of me... Fuck!_

 

 

Olivia jolts awake. She hears stomach-curdling noises, but can’t place them. _Alex!_ She bolts upright and gulps at the all-consuming sight in front of her; Alexandra Cabot is currently thrashing against the bed, her wholly inadequate sheet thrown to one side, her naked body glistening in the moonlight. _Shit, Alex!_

‘Please...’

Olivia crawls closer, not knowing if her charge is awake or...

‘... don’t! Why..?’ _Night-terror,_ the detective surmises quickly. _‘Please!_ No... no... no... _NO!’ Jesus!_ Olivia moves to the head of the bed, her body primed but her heart conflicted: _do I save her from this torture, for her to realise she’s completely exposed to my eyes? Or, let her ride it out and feign ignorance in the morn..?_

‘Please Xav! Can't you... _NO!’_ _Xav? Who the hell is Xav?_ _And why isn't he listening to..._ At this exact moment, Alex's entire body spasms, tensing; her breathing laboured, a low whimper escaping her lips as she relives... _Jesus fucking..._

‘Alex?’ Olivia can't watch her suffer one minute more. She grabs at the thin sheet with her right hand, whilst softly rocking Alex with her left. _‘Lex!’_

The attorney is completely unaware of Olivia’s attempts to wake her as tears run down her face, her chest heaving, her arms seemingly useless above her head. _Jesus Alex!_ ‘Alex!’ the detective shouts next to her ear, her touch doing nothing to pull the blonde from her nightmare. ‘It’s Liv, I’m here. Wake up for me. You’re in my room. You’re safe. Wake up Lex,’ she continues, urging her struggling charge to awaken from her current haunting. ‘Wake up, sweetie. Wake up for me. Come on, Lex. It’s Liv, wake up. It’s a bad dream...’

Only when cloudy blues finally meet chocolate brown, does Olivia realise she’s been crying.

Alex abruptly sits up, the thin sheet falling unnoticed onto her lap: her pupils blown in the darkness; fear pouring from her every fibre. Her lungs strain against her ribcage as she attempts to inhale adequate oxygen to remain conscious.

The attorney turns back to Olivia with wide, newly seeing, and mortified eyes. _Liv..._ She proceeds to lean over the opposite side of the bed, emptying her stomach contents onto the floor.

When Alex finishes heaving, she keeps her naked back to the heart-broken detective. Both women knowing _exactly_ what the other just experienced/witnessed.

_Oh Jesus fucking Christ! I need to get out of here! She’s seen it.... she..._

_I knew as soon as Bronwyn disclosed Alex had had a miscarriage..._ Olivia's mind goes back to their first hospital visit, when Alex wanted Bronwyn to check whether she'd been... _raped. Her behaviours, the panic attacks, the cutting, the shell of herself.._. A dusty memory from a decade ago spears her conscious: she’d seen Alex twice out of work, not just the once. Both were work related, involving urgent warrant requests. _The Taco incident... and the Cabot family home incid... In reality, I knew then... Fuck!_

The detective hears muffled cries streaming from the only person who matters. Her soul-shatters at her own ineptness and stupidity. ‘Alex, its Olivia. I’m here. I’m here, sweetie. Do you trust me?’ The muffled sobs cease for mere seconds, Alex’s hand reaching blindly for hers. The detective clasps it, holding onto it... to her, for dear life. ‘I’m not going anywhere, Lex. I’m right here and I’ll remain here, for whatever you need... '

‘Hold me, Liv. _Please...’_ she begs, her tone desperate and desolate. Olivia leans into her back; hyper-aware of their mutual nakedness, hyper-aware of not making the blonde anymore uncomfortable.

Core deep shock pummels her as Alex moves closer, her back moulding into Olivia’s chest and torso. Only when their bodies are skin to skin from head to toe, spooning like lovers, does Alex stop her nuzzling.

Olivia shyly places an arm around her achingly beautiful friend, _for balance,_ she tells herself. _Am I dreaming?_

 _Hold me, Liv... Please just hold me..._ Alex continues to mantra, her soul begging for this forbidden contact like the deserts miss the rain.


	16. Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Olivia try not to default to unhelpful coping mechanisms.
> 
> For Chely99, Ag and Thebadlydrawncat ❤
> 
> I've done a teeny bit of editing. I think I neglected Olivia's reaction a bit. 
> 
> Warnings and tags apply - and mention of implied incest.

Olivia wakes to find her arms, and bed, empty. She sits up, alarmed; her thoughts tumbling over themselves at the possibili... Her chocolate brown orbs meet cloudy blues across the room. Alex is sat against the opposing way, on the floor: her thin sheet wrapped loosely around her willowy shoulders.  

The detective’s heart ricochets with relief that her... that Alex is awake, alive, safe. Olivia swallows thickly, feeling tears sting her eyeballs as she attempts to temper her adrenaline spike.  

‘Hi,’ Alex breaks the heavy silence, her gaze avoiding the brunette.  

Olivia clears her throat, never feeling more inept in her life. _I’m a_ _fucking_ _SVU Detective for_ _Christ_ _s_ _sake..._ Yet all her years of training and experience suddenly seem moot, when she’s in the vicinity of one Alexandra Cabot.  

She’s painfully aware the stunning attorney has _always_ had an overwhelming impact on her... _Not now Liv._ _Focus on the present_ _,_ she chastises. _Talk to her_ _goddamnit_ _!_ ‘How long you been up?’ _Cheesy but it’s something._  

‘For a while,’ Alex answers non-committal; her fingers threading thru her hair absentmindedly.  

‘Olivi...’ 

‘Ale...’ 

Both women smile without mirth. 

‘You...’ 

‘You...’ 

‘Goddamnit Olivia!’ bursts from the attorneys lips. The detective schools her features to prepare herself for whatever Alex may wish to fling at her. ‘I... What the _hell_ must you think of me?!’ She covers her face with her hands self-consciously, rebellious tears springing from her damp lashes.  

‘Lex...’ Olivia tries but bites her lip when a crushing sob escapes the intoxicating blonde.  

 _‘_ _Stop_ with the ‘everything’s okay', ‘everything’s fine' _bullshit!’_ Alex’s ire sparks. ‘Everything is _not_ fine. Everything is _not_ okay! I’m ruining your life!’ 

Olivia moves from leaning on a fast numbing elbow to a seated position; purposefully using her movements to punctuate the attorneys tirade. ‘I’ll be the judge of whether you’re ruining my life, which you’re _not!_ _’_ she counters, more fiercely than she intends. 

‘Then you’re lying,’ Alex argues, her eyes boring into Olivia’s for only the second time since the detective woke. ‘How can _any_ of this be _fine?_ I’m currently being _treated_ like a mad woman with only a sheet to cover myself,’ she tears at the offending fabric in frustration, as Olivia tries not to blanch. ‘I have _no_ privacy. I can’t _leave_ a room without you following me. I can’t shower or use the... _shit_ without you watching...’ Alex pauses to inhale a steadying breath; never before having fallen prey to self-pity. _Jesus, I hate myself!_ ‘You’re _having_ to sleep with me...’ _Move on, Cabot!_ ‘You had to _deal_ with my ... _me_ last night,’ she searches Olivia’s chocolate orbs for any signs of disgust.  

Finding none, the livid attorney pushes on: ‘I vomited on your floor,’ she points at the offending mess. ‘It’s _still_ _fucking_ there!’ the attorney raises her voice two octaves; her disgust at herself, achingly apparent. ‘And then... and then I...’ _forced you to sp_ _oo_ _n me, naked_ _,_ remains unspoken.  

But, the ever perceptive detective knows _exactly_ what the attorney muted. ‘You needed comfort and I _wanted_ to give you that. What friend wouldn’t, Lex?’ 

‘Naked?’ Alex challenges bravely before she regrets it with _every_ _single_ fibre of her being. _Oh Jesus_ _!_  

Olivia licks her bone dry lips, desperately grasping for something appropriate to say. ‘Let’s look at the alternative,’ she finally suggests, to deflect the wider elephant in the room. ‘You would have been locked in a minimalist room, with ten minute checks throughout the night. You would have been among strangers, some potentially dangerous; with only a sheet to cover yourself,’ Olivia eyes Alex meaningfully. The blonde lowers her gaze. ‘If you’d refused your pills, or other treatments, you’d have been forced to ingest, or attend them,’ Olivia rattles off scenarios Alex knows to be true. ‘At least here, you know I’ll take care of you. You’ll have some freedom in that you won’t be stuck to one room. And most importantly, you know I won’t...’ _abuse you._  

‘What did you see last night?’ the blonde asks abruptly, her cloudy blues impaling the detective.  

Even though Olivia knew this question was coming, it still takes her breath away. _Fuck!_  

After several minutes of watching her hosts obvious discomfort, Alex pushes: ‘I _need_ to know, Liv.’ _I need to know just how_ _much of my_ _fucked_ _-up-ness_ _you_ _have deduced_ _._  

The detective moves again, this time straightening her back against the unrelenting hardness of the wall. _Playing_ _for time._ ‘You... you were thrashing against the bed, pleading with someone...’ Olivia notices the exact moment Alex’s face pales. The detective pauses, not wanting to trigger her achingly vulnerable charge.  

The attorney stares into Olivia’s soul. The silence becomes unbearable. ‘Whose Xav?’ the brunette _finally_ asks, knowing there may never be another opportunity to ask this terrifyingly probing question. She’s also hyper-aware she’s deciding to direct the conversation one of two treacherous ways: _us or her._ _Alex is more important,_ Olivia tells herself, knowing she’d be viewed a coward in half of any jury’s eyes.  

Alex lowers her gaze; her throat working as she grasps for a worthy counter. ‘Whose Harris?’ Olivia’s face abruptly competes with Alex’s deathly white pallor.  

Even as the breath is knocked out of her, a deafening voice celebrates the hope this razor sharp counter ignites, in her search for Alexandra Cabot. _She’s in there_ _._ Even as the nausea threatens to consume her, the revolting sensations of Lowell Harris forcing his penis into her mouth so real she clenches her teeth, Olivia marvels at the magnificence of the enthralling woman in front of her. _Okay,_ she swallows thickly, praying she doesn’t add to the mess already soiling her floor. ‘He was the guard who assaulted me,’ the detective whispers, knowing now how revealing her own night terror had been.  

‘He's my demon, asshole brother,’ Alex discloses hurriedly, wanting to respect Olivia’s bravery and renewed openness with a terrifying truth of her own. She unconsciously wraps the thin sheet tighter around her naked body; a core deep chill radiating thru her frame. The attorney notices her detective turn an alarming shade of grey, like she's been sucker-punched to the gut. Alex _knows_ Olivia is blaming herself. _Please don't, Liv._ ‘Where is he?’ she voices softly, in an attempt to rescue the woman of her life from her guilt-ridden thoughts. 

‘Xav?’ Olivia swallows thickly, her nausea threatening any minute. 

‘No. The guard?’ Alex replies, her tone strained and frustrated. 

‘Dead,’ Olivia answers honestly. ‘He went to prison. He didn’t fare well,’ Olivia finishes, her eyes meeting Alex's, her breaths still laboured. ‘Where’s Xav?’ the detective asks, to divert the conversation, as well as to risk the mutual triggering this sharing may evoke.  

She feels sweat moisten her brow as she watches Alex squirm in overt agony. _Not your bright_ _est_ _idea, Liv!_ _Shit!_ Olivia prepares herself for the fallout of her insensitive question. _I'm so sorry._

Eventually, Alex settles on her next avoidant sentence: ‘You’re incredible for facing him; for imprisoning him...’ 

‘I didn’t,’ Olivia replies, her honesty constricting her lungs and heightening her deafening heart rate. The attorney stares at her detective, comprehension dawning within seconds. 

‘There were other...’ 

‘I was his last,’ the detective interrupts, her tone clipped and final.  

‘I’m sorry that that happened to you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. And I’m sorry I didn’t realise your answerphone messages may have actually been a reach out for help...’ Alex’s words tumble out of her mouth so earnestly, her mind screams at her to stop before she utterly humiliates herself. 

 _You're sorry..? I'm.._. 'Lex,’ Olivia whispers, as she moves to the end of the bed, sheet in tow. ‘I was reaching out because I knew you were out of witness protection. Because I missed you. Because I _wanted_ to see how you were. Too reconnect...’ the detective halts her own tirade. 

‘You missed me?’ Alex centres on the one admittance that matters.  


	17. Honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Olivia REALLY try...
> 
> Reading Teflon will help with this chapter in particular.
> 
> For Chely99, artemiskitty and M <3

Olivia looks at Alex for a beat, trying to figure out _exactly_ what the EADA is asking. _Is she asking what I think she is? Or is she asking what I hope she is?_ the detectives mind wonders, her heart racing, her lungs contracting painfully as the wind is knocked out of her, again. ‘What are you asking me, Lex?’ Olivia bravely challenges Alex's seemingly _innocent_ enquiry.  

This counter does nothing to lessen the blondes intense, assessing gaze. The detective actively sweats; her need to pull the suddenly suffocating sheet from her body almost impossible to deny. Olivia has seen that _look_ in the attorney’s eyes before. The steely 'ice-queen' radiates: ‘Don’t _test_ me.’ A stare saved for bullshitting rapists, paedophiles, and now one Olivia Benson. The brunette shudders slightly under those relentless orbs; her mouth stone dry, her palms sweating and her clit quivering with intense carnal need. _Fucking Christ, Alex!_  

‘I thought you’d died... for _three_ days...’ the detective finally whispers, her voice breathless and achingly vulnerable.  

It strikes every chord within Alexandra Cabot’s fragility. A renewed tsunami of emotions threaten to obliterate the dam she’s fighting so desperately to shore up. Every last ounce of her strength funnels into keeping her eyes from flooding, her resolve from collapsing, her body from snuggling into Olivia, forever. _Oh God, Olivia! I'm so sorry!_ The attorney grits her teeth in a last-ditch attempt to save herself from absolute exposure, the ultimate humiliation: pure and simple disclosure. _Don't, Cabot!_

‘Don’t fight it, Alex,’ the detective whispers so brokenly, the coil on Alex’s suffocatingly wound spring, finally, _inevitably_ tears apart. She crawls onto the bed until her arms wrap around her only source of sanity, her ultimate source of madness. Olivia’s arms embrace her as tightly as both women finally allow their emotions to engulf them. Their need to mourn the time missed, _wasted, lost._ Their need to mourn the people they were, the people they are, as a consequence of experiences utterly outside of their control.  

They cling to each other, their sheets forgotten and lapping uselessly around their midriffs, as their chests fuse like jigsaw pieces, found and placed after years of work, effort and soul-shattering absence.   

‘Please forgive me, Liv.' Olivia clicks her tongue in exasperation; both _knowing_ nothing about Alex's shooting and subsequent events was _their_ fault. 'I'll... _never_ leave you... again,’ Alex murmurs reassuringly into Olivia’s ear, causing the brunette to clutch her tighter still, a low moan escaping her lips. The detective cradles the back of the blonde’s head, pulling her in as close as she physically can without constricting her, the attorney mirroring her actions within seconds.  

‘Say... it again...’ Olivia requests breathlessly.  

‘I will never... leave... you... again...’ Alex obliges, her heart thumping out of her chest as she cuddles, embraces, fuses to the woman of her life. ‘I... will... _never..._ leave... you... again...’ she mantras, over and over again, until their sobs finally ebb; their bodies remaining fused as one. 

‘And... I will... never... leave you... again...’ the detective promises, their hearts breaking all over again; Alex recognising _exactly_ what _her_ Olivia is truly meaning.

The intoxicating attorney whimpers into the fierce brunette’s neck. ‘You didn’t know...’ the blonde starts, hoping to argue away the detectives misplaced guilt. 

‘I _knew...'_ Olivia admits. 'I left... you...’ Olivia remonstrates herself, fast becoming dumb to anything bar the beautiful creature in her arms and the sensations igniting in her aching soul. _Focus, Olivia!_ She leans back slightly in an effort to lessen her intoxication. _Fuck!_ the seasoned detective realises her mistake as soon as she breathes in the expression in Alex’s iridescent orbs. Only one word encapsulates the EADA’s all-consuming gaze: love. _Love?_  

Olivia hurriedly lowers her eyes, hoping to find sanctuary from those... _fucking Jesus!_ Both women mutually stiffen as the detective accidentally surveys Alex’s bear chest. ' _Oh, fucking...'_ Before she can finish the expletive, the attorney uses her index finger to force Olivia to meet her gaze once more; both their faces flushed crimson in recognition of the intimacy of their current situation.  

Alex’s elegant throat works for several minutes, before she finds her voice. ‘You _didn’t..._ leave me... You got me... out of there...’ she argues, bravely wading thru the precipice of this moment. Her every fibre conflicted; partially aching to give in, partially _screaming_ to escape this... whatever this is... before she completely humiliates herself, and destroys the _one_ good thing she has. _I can’t... You'll hate me... never wish to... Stop! Please listen to me..._  

Olivia takes her cue from her vulnerable... _Alex,_ maintaining her hold, as their eyes explore each-others souls. She swallows thickly, recognising and empathising with the battle waging in those cloudy blue orbs. ‘Once...’ the detective states angrily. ‘I... _saved_ you... _once,’_ she clarifies, her self-loathing utterly apparent as she lowers her gaze before raising it once more, her face flooding with renewed mortification. 

The attorney swallows thickly, moving to cradle Olivia’s face. ‘Hey,’ she whispers, gaining the brunettes complete attention. ‘I didn’t give you the chance... He... my father would have _ruined_ you... if...  I couldn’t...’ Alex pauses briefly, biting her lip as a continuous river of tears flow down her face. ‘The _only_ way I could escape them was via Witness Protection, or death,’ she stresses anxiously, her absolute _need_ for Olivia to understand she had no responsibility for what her _family_ did to her; _continue_  to do to her. The EADA closes her eyes for mere seconds, more tears spilling from her eyelashes. ‘Being shot... WP... were the best things to ever happen to me...’ she opens them to stare into those soft, warm chocolate brown orbs; the fingers of her left-hand threading thru _her_ woman’s short trellises. ‘Apart from... _you,’ Oh God no, Cabot! What have you..?_

The detective just stares at the enthralling goddess in her arms, clearing her throat self-consciously as she tries desperately to fathom whether the last few minutes are a sick kind of night-terror, or an achingly painful, yet soul-soaringly promising, reality. _Please. Oh God, please!_ Olivia begs, with every last vestige of dignity she possesses. She mirrors Alex’s actions, running her fingers thru the glorious flaxen mane as though the attorney, and her aura, will disappear at any moment.

Eventually, her psyche buckles under the sheer weight of pure, unadulterated love. _‘Jesus fucking Christ, I love you, Alexandra Frieda Cabot...’_  


	18. Heated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Olivia have a heated... something.
> 
> I wish to stress the views aired in this chapter are not my own. I'm just painting a picture of how heinous the Cabot Clan is.
> 
> Edit: I've slightly lessened the abuse but maintained the core of the story.

Olivia senses the moment Alex stiffens; her cloudy blues popping in disbelief, her breaths ragged and uneven. _Shit!_  

The attorney’s heart beats ten to the dozen, her body achingly alive with surging adrenaline as she gazes into those heated chocolate orbs. _She can’t mean..._  

The detective bites her lip, wishing she could take back her last sentence. But when she notices Alex's eyes following the movement of her teeth grazing her bottom lip, she freezes; praying she hasn’t read _this_ _:_ ten years of signals, unspoken gestures and light touches utterly wrong.  

Alex focuses solely on the brunette’s mouth. She begins to lean forward. Olivia’s heart almost bursts out of her chest as she realises what Alex is doing. _She’s... Alexandra fucking Cabot is leaning in to kiss me!_ her mind screams, her lungs seizing in celebration and stunned disbelief.  _It_ _’_ _ll only take leaning_ _in_ _two inches to_ _meet those succulent, cupid bow lips._ The beautiful attorney is waiting, her eyes wide open, her lips only slightly puckered as the detective _finally_ takes her cue. Olivia’s lips brush against Alex's; both women inhaling a life-saving breath as the hopeful attorney lifts her free hand to cradle the brunettes jaw, guiding her lips for another, achingly nervous, yet tender kiss.  

Olivia withdraws first, her chest heaving as she tries to fathom the last few minutes; her mind rioting between hedonistic heaven and soul-crushing guilt at taking advantage of her achingly vulnerable friend.   

Alex looks into those warm chocolate orbs, her features frozen in fear; expecting her best friend to spit in her face, gouge her eyes out, beat her for her brazen behaviour.  

‘What’s going on in that magnificent head of yours?’ the detective asks, to break the post-kiss silence; their bodies still entwined, their eyes searching, fearful.  

‘I’m...’ Alex clears her throat self-consciously. ‘I’m terrified you don’t mean what you just said, that what just happened _didn't_ just happen AND that you _do_ mean it and we _did_ just kiss...’ she bumbles her words in her rioting confusion. 

‘What?’ Olivia asks bluntly, pulling a face which causes the attorney to laugh despite the awkwardness of the situation.  

Alex pulls away slightly. _Y_ _ou Idio_ _t_ _, Liv!_ But when she cautiously places her hand over Olivia’s, the detective grasps it for dear life. _Please!_  

‘I was brought up in a _very_ white, _very_ straight, _very_ conservative household. Lesbians ...’ the attorney almost chokes, as she outs herself for the very _first_ time, to the one person she should be avoiding at all costs. ‘... homosexuals, were seen as sub human, perverted, disease ridden degenerates with no worthy purpose other than to spread their _sickening_ doctrine around the world, one underage person at a time,’ Alex explains, tears threatening to fall, as Olivia's heart breaks at the hypocrisy of _her_ soulmates warped family. She can’t help but gasp as she squeezes Alex's hand, _wanting_ to pull her back into her arms with every fibre of her being, but knowing she can’t. Not without the fragile attorney's explicit permission.  

‘The very first time I saw you...’ _Stop, you disgusting degenerate!_ Alex shuts her mouth, her words lost in the ether of the shameful and unspoken; a place the attorney has known for so long. 

Olivia inhales a steadying breath, wanting to continue where Alex left off. ‘The very first time I saw you, I almost feel to my knees,’ she confesses, her cheeks flooding crimson as she admits some of her deepest secrets. ‘No one has _ever_ affected me the way you do. _No one._ I _tried_ with men and had some short-lived, secret flings with women. But you are the only one who intrigued, and _still_ intrigues, my mind, body and soul,’ she finishes, wanting to cradle Alex’s beautiful face as tears flow down her exquisite cheekbones.  

‘You’re not toying with me?’ comes the attorneys heart-breaking question. ‘You’re not just...’ 

Olivia loses her restraint then, her free hand cradling Alex’s jaw, subtly forcing eye contact. ‘How long have you known me?’ 

‘Over ten years.’ 

‘Have you ever known me to toy with you?’  

‘No.’ 

‘Why would I start now?’  

‘Because _everyone_ toys with me eventually,’ the blonde speaks her heinous truth, lowering her gaze in abject shame  This one statement is like a sucker punch to Olivia’s gut. _Oh Jesus!_  

‘Alex,’ she whispers, regaining eye contact. ‘I...’ 

The attorney stands abruptly, jerking her face from the detective's hand. _‘How_ can you love me? A spoilt _degenerate_ whose only experience of intimacy is forced intercourse with her...’ Alex stops herself as she paces the tiny bedroom, the sheet nearly forgotten in favour of anguish, shame and rage. She swallows sharply. ‘... my _brother._ My grandfather _coached_  Xav because he couldn't maintain an erection himself,' Alex chuckles mirthlessly, shaking her head in disgust. 'My one small mercy. But he still  _touched_ me, and himself, _every_ opportunity he got,' she swiftly covers her mouth as her stomach heaves violently. 'Myfather beat me. My mother turned a blind eye. And on top of that, I’m an ex-sex crimes ADA, a mafia hit survivor, a woman with numerous names yet no identity, a frickin' lesbian _AND_ a self-harmer who cuts so aggressively, I didn’t _even_ _realise_ I was suffering from sepsis! Who the _hell_ would want me like this?’ she finally voices her painfully tortured truths, gesturing to herself with overwhelming disgust. 

Olivia’s mouth moves silently as her lungs implode at the absolute heinacity of her soulmates life up until this point. She tries not to stare at Alex's now completely naked form; deep self-inflicted scars crisscrossing her thighs, her right shoulder bearing the entry and exit wounds of the bullet intended to end her life; other unexplained scars and dents littering her entire body. Tears sting the detectives eyes as she watches the love of her life destroy herself. 

‘What I see is a woman whose _hurting,_ a woman whose crying out for support but unknowing of who to trust, a woman whose beliefs of herself are so _brutally_ ingrained, she’s willing to harm and torture herself to maintain these self-fulfilling prophesies,’ Olivia swallows before she chokes on the lump in her throat; her brown orbs bravely meeting watery cloudy blues. ‘I’m a lesbian. Does that make me a perverted, disease-ridden degenerate?’ she asks, courageously. 

‘No,’ Alex answers, her head shaking as she continues to pace the room. 

‘Then why are you giving yourself _that_ label for something _completely_ outside your control?’  

‘Because...’ Olivia reads fear in the struggling attorney’s demeanour. _Fuck!_ Alex’s eyes are suddenly wide and searching for an exit. She pulls on the bedroom door, momentarily forgetting the mattress keeping them penned in. ‘I need to get out of here!’ she whimpers brokenly as the detective wonders how the hell to help Alex achieve that, without her endangering herself.  

 _What a fucking car crash!_ Olivia self-admonishes as she watches her troubled friend try to lift the mattress. Still weak from her sepsis, this is an impossible task. 

‘How can I help you, right now?’ Olivia asks, her voice shaky, her adrenaline spiking. 

Alex continues to try to move the mattress single-handedly; the detective’s words seemingly ignored or unheard.  

 _How_ _do I..?_ ‘Do you need out of this room or time away from me?’ Olivia queries, trying _desperately_ to think of something achievable.  

Again, Alex ignores her; her energy entirely focused on moving the insurmountable mattress. 

Olivia is aware her charge is beginning to struggle to breathe, her panic heightening with every passing second. So, she moves slowly, until she is standing within a metre of her. The detective squats to Alex's level and helps her shove the mattress to one side. 

As soon as the doors unblocked, Alex wrenches it open and runs for the front door. _Fuck!_ Olivia observes helplessly as her love tears at the door  

‘Alex,’ the detective calls desperately, unknowing of what exactly she plans to say next. ‘Let’s just take a moment to breathe and assess where we're at, okay?’ she suggests haltingly, hoping and praying her friend will hear her.  

The attorney continues to batter the door, with about as much success as a fly nudging against glass.  

There’s only one thing left to do, even though it sickens the detective to do it: touch. ‘I’m going to approach you from your right side and then I’m going to check your hands, with your permission..’ she states calmly as she actions what she said. Olivia steps to Alex’s side and offers her hands, waiting for the attorneys permission to touch her.  

Alex halts her escape attempt, her chest heaving as she eyes the detective with the cautious anxiety of a prey animal. This look alone breaks Olivia. _Breathe, Liv._ She waits, not moving a muscle as the attorney surveys her with intense eyes. 

‘Liv?’ Alex suddenly asks, as though waking from a horrid nightmare; her surprise at finding herself naked against Olivia’s front door, her hands bruised and bleeding, the woman of her life standing naked right beside her, achingly apparent. ‘What’s happening?’ she whispers as she tries to slow her rioting heart.  

‘Just breathe with me. That’s what we're doing,’ the detective replies, avoidantly. ‘Copy me... big breath in... big breath out... Big breath in...’ 

 

It takes Olivia twenty minutes to calm Alex enough to convince her to sit on the couch. ‘That’s it... sweetie,’ she voices the endearment before she realises the potential connotation. _Shit!_ ‘Just breathe,’ she says hurriedly to distract them both. She lays a blanket over Alex, covering her nakedness, her scars; her body of evidence, it’s own crime scene.  

‘What happened, Liv?’ she asks again, her eyes piercing and the truth unavoidable, this time.  

Olivia kneels in front of her, her own nakedness forgotten, by the detective at least. ‘We were talking about some things that have always been present, but never been spoken about before. It seemed to be going quite well. But when I challenged your self-image, you experienced either a flashback or panic attack that caused you to want to escape. Nothing else mattered...’ 

‘Why were we naked Liv?’ Alex's question blindsides her. ‘Why are you still naked?’ she challenges further. Olivia’s stomach drops. 

‘What do you last remember?’  

Alex blanches as she lowers her eyes self-consciously. ‘I remember kissing you.’ 

‘I remember kissing you too,’ Olivia says, purposely wanting her charge to know it's mutual. A blush travels up to the attorney's hairline.  

‘What else do you remember?’ 

‘I’ve never kissed anyone other than...’ Alex shuts her eyes, shaking her head to rid herself of the vile images violating her mind as tears spill from her lashes. ‘I don’t remember much after that.’ 

Olivia suddenly feels incredibly self-conscious as bone-crushing guilt invades her senses. _I'm naked in front of a highly traumatised woman I’ve professed my love to_ _, and the last thing she remembers is our kiss. Shit!_ ‘We were naked because we had a bit of an argument, or debate, and you needed to leave the bedroom. I raced after you, and that’s when you woke up.’ 

‘Sorry you had to see that,’ Alex immediately apologises. 

‘Please don’t apologise for something outside your control,’ the detective parrots Alex’s words from the night Olivia suffered her night terror. Alex nods her acquiescence, even though it pains her to do so. ‘And _I’m_ sorry you're seeing me like this,’ she gestures to herself before thinking what an idiotic move it is. _Genius Benson!_  

The attorney's eyes unconsciously drink in the entirety of her frame, igniting Olivia’s arousal expertly. _Fuck!_   

Alex suddenly realises what she’s doing. _Oh Jesus!_ ‘Err, sorry,’ she mutters as she quickly removes herself from the room. 


	19. Disclosure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex needs space... then she doesn't.

Olivia leaves her soulmate be, completely aware she's pushed Alex too far. _Idiot!_ Even so, selfishly, there's the tiniest flicker of hope beating in the bottom of the detectives wretched heart. _Oh God, Benson. What the hell_ _have you done?_  

She quickly searches through Alex's tailored clothes, eventually finding something that isn’t courtroom worthy. Grabbing the oversized check-shirt and the only pair of non-skinny jeans available, Olivia deposits them just inside her bedroom door; with the aim of them landing insight of _her_ struggling Alex.  

The brunette listens, her heart breaking as she hears muffled sobs. She knows to leave the attorney alone, even though every fibre of her being yearns to envelope the woman of her dreams into her arms forever. _Too much. Leave her be, Liv_. 

The detective lowers herself to the floor, her back against the wall, listening out for signs of Alex attempting to hurt herself. _Thank fuck, she_ _didn’t_ _lock herself in_ _the bathroom_ _.._ _._  

 

20 minutes later  

Alex finally loses tolerance with her own self-pity and rage. She allows one last whimper before she wipes her face aggressively. _Enough!_   

She drags herself up from her collapsed position on the floor, noticing the check-shirt, jeans, socks and knickers. Her face flushes crimson as she visualises Olivia touching them. _Don_ _’_ _t!_ the attorney forcefully halts any further imaginings.  

She puts her fresh set of clothes on even though she desperately wants a shower. Alex can’t face another exposing ordeal just yet; _even_ with the woman of her life. 

Feeling the fabric rub and fan against her skin, makes her feel strangely safe and emboldened. The attorney strides towards the kitchen diner, almost falling over Olivia in the process; only Alex's innate grace catching her at the last minute. ‘Fuc..!’ 

‘Oww!’ the brunette howls when Alex's bare foot steps on her fingers, in a failed evasive manoeuvre.  

‘Shit! Sorry Liv,’ the blonde stares; as surprised by the achingly beautiful detectives continued nakedness, as her own foolish stumbling.  

Olivia immediately stands, finding her exposed flesh entirely inappropriate considering Alex's now clothed state. She bolts quickly down the tiny hallway, searching for some clothes and throwing them on at lightning speed.  

Breathing a sigh of relief, she returns to the kitchen diner to find Alex staring into space on the couch. If the attorney hadn’t been face on, Olivia would’ve taken the opportunity to appreciate _just_ how beautiful Alexandra Cabot truly is. No such luck.  

Her brow furrows as she takes in the day-dreaming attorney. ‘Penny for your thoughts?’ she asks, desperate to make their first interaction since the kiss, and the resulting car crash of a conversation, as normal as possible. 

‘You didn’t follow me. You gave me some clothes without watching me. I... I don’t understand,’ Alex frowns as she finally meets Olivia’s gaze.  

‘You needed some privacy. Some time away from me,’ she starts. ‘I don’t want to be a controlling ogre in this,’ she further explains as the attorney begins nodding her head. ‘I wish for you to have more control here, than you would... You _deserve_ to be treated as a human being. It’s the _only_ way to start empowering you...’ 

‘Even if it means I kill myself?’ Alex queries hauntingly, confused by the sudden trust; wary of it.  

‘I was sat where you found me, the entire time you were alone. I’d have heard...’  

‘My first appointment's in 26 minutes,’ the attorney states precisely, abruptly changing the subject. Olivia can’t help but stare at the intoxicating blonde. ‘We better get going.’ 

‘Lex..?’ 

The attorney's cloudy blues meet chocolate brown, seemingly surprised by Olivia’s interruption to her suddenly practical suggestion. 

‘I’m sorry if I...’ 

‘Olivia, would you like me to leave?’ Alex asks, withdrawing. _Don’t run from me, please_ _._  

‘Have I done anything that’s made you uncomfortable?’ the detective deflects the questions. 

 _Yes and hell no!_ the attorney’s head screams ‘I don’t want _anything_ to ruin _us,’_ she mutters, her vulnerability achingly obvious.   

Olivia moves to stand in front of her stunning Alex. ‘Nothing has to,’ she whispers, using every muscle in her body to keep her hands from stroking the exquisite contours of Alex's face.  

 _‘Somebody_ will...’ the attorney growls, clenching her teeth as a violent shiver riots through her. 

These words cause Olivia’s soul to shudder and her body to quake, knowing _exactly_ what her charge means. _The_ _sick_ _Cabot_ _’_ _s._ A rage and guilt like no other, pummels through the detective as she searches misty blue orbs. She licks her lips, her uncertainty clear, as she works on how to phrase _the_ question. 

‘Spit it out, Olivia,’ Alex asks, looking at her watch, her barriers rebuilt with efficient immediacy. _Christ!_  

‘How many somebody’s might try to ruin us?’ Olivia finally voices _the_ question most omnipresent in her mind, since she was informed of Alex's miscarriage. _One of her fucking family..._  

‘One. But he lives in Chicago... Well, most of the time,’ ( _until he decides he wants a piece of_ _m_ _e_ _),_ the flaxen haired attorney half-discloses what the brunette feared most. _One is still a living, breathing,_ _bastard rapist._ ‘And our...’ 

‘Lex...’ Olivia swallows in an attempt to control her seething anger. She grits her teeth as she leans against the wall to Alex's left, her body weakening under the weight of years of inaction. ‘I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know what to... I knew you were being abused. I _knew_ you were being...’ 

‘Don’t!’ the crestfallen attorney stops her. ‘Don’t you _dare_ blame yourself for my collusive behaviour. I was a _grown_ woman. I could have served them on a platter _and_ prosecuted their cases. I could have...’ 

 _‘Godd_ _amnit_ stop, Alex!’ Olivia snarls with such passion, the attorney’s crotch sparks ferociously. ‘You had been under their control for what? Years?’ the detective asks without really waiting for an answer. ‘You learnt from an early age to do as you were told, in order to reduce the harm done to you,’ Olivia continues, parroting what both women have heard George, and other psychiatrists, child psychologists and criminal behaviourists, recite numerous times, inside and outside the courtroom. _‘_ _Every time_ _..._ you would have regressed to the first tim...’  

‘Liv...’ _Oh God, please stop_ _!_ Speaking of rape and incest with the woman she loves is worse than she could ever have imagined. The absolute heartbreak and sorrow in _her_ detective's eyes is breaking her; making Alex want to reverse the clock and leave the NOK box on her EADA job application form blank. _A t_ _otally selfish and thoughtless move, Cabot!_  

Alex can’t stop herself clutching at the collar of Olivia’s shirt then, pulling the detective into her body until they are embracing each other with the force of all the years of loss, love and devotion. _How are you still here?_ the attorney questions silently, absolutely terrified any utterances or movements may cause the woman of her life to disappear. _Please don’t leave me._  

Olivia pulls Alex in closer; their clothing making this act more loving than carnal. She buries her face in those glorious flaxen trellises, as her cheek nuzzles her soulmates. _Jesus, I love you!_ The detective is dying to voice her core truth again, but silences her bellowing mind, to avoid further pressuring her... _love_. 

 _Christ!_ _I love you!_ mantras through Alex's synapses with every lung-bursting breath she takes. _I love you! I love you..._  

  

A full five minutes past before either woman is near ready to let go. They search each other eyes for a full minute before Alex finally breaks the alluringly powerful spell. ‘I better brush my teeth.’  

A low chuckle rumbles through Olivia’s chest as she makes a tiny spectacle of her soulmate's breath. ‘You’re not wrong! Ewww!’  

The attorney smirks fleetingly before remembering the mess she left on Olivia’s bedroom floor. ‘I really should clean that u...’ 

‘I’ll do it once I’ve dropped you and got Taco. Now go brush your teeth before you fry my nostril hairs off!’ 


	20. First Appointment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia takes Alex to meet her psychiatrist.
> 
> This chapter is up early in celebration of Stephanie Match's return to SVU!!
> 
> For M and Chely99 ❤

Alex and Olivia sit in weighted silence as the detective parks the car outside the hospital. 

The attorney looks at the formidable building; her fears of entering and being swallowed by the hungry underbelly of the psychiatric hospital, several floors underground, multiplying with every laboured breath. 

‘Breathe Alex,’ Olivia says soothingly. ‘I’ll walk you in, now and pick you up where I drop you off, okay? Nothing bad...’ 

‘This... I... Any way I view it, this is going to be bad,’ she insists verbally, though her body pushes her to lever the door open. 

The detective doesn’t argue, feeling the adrenaline rippling off Alex's willowy frame; _knowing_ she's both mortified and terrified at the prospect of _seeing_ a psychiatrist, of being within the walls of a mental hospital, of being _expected_ to speak of her deepest, darkest secrets, and their consequences.  

 _Shit!_ the attorneys head screams as her body is governed by her upbringing, and the core deep hatred of being late. _One minute to find the..._  

‘I did a quick search of where we need to go,’ the brunette offers, almost melting Alex’s ricocheting heart. Almost. ‘It’s this way,’ Olivia says confidently as the blonde follows obediently behind, her body too panicked to do anything beyond trusting her friend. ‘We’ll be right on time,’ Olivia further reassures her as they take a final left turn into a sterile waiting room. No pens, no plants, no tables, just five plastic all-in-one chairs in the entire space; a reinforced-glass reception manned by a solemn looking woman. _Figures_.  

Alex steps forward, causing Olivia’s awe for her incredibly strong soulmate to multiply once more. _My heroine._ _.. Stop!_ ‘Alexandra Cabot for Dr Blanton?’ she voices with enviable poise, considering the tumultuous storm raging in her heart.  

The solemn receptionist finally looks at both women, immediately struck by a strange thought: _Wow! T_ _h_ _ey’d have_ _beautiful_ _children together._ She clears her throat and lowers her eyes to stop herself staring. ‘Take a seat. Dr Blanton will call you in a moment.’ 

Olivia follows Alex to her chosen spot in the corner, sitting down with her. ‘You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to Liv,’ the attorney offers the brunette an escape. If only she knew the detective doesn’t want one.  

‘I’d like to stay, unless you would rather I left?’ Olivia ensures Alex gets to decide. 

In truth, the only thing keeping the attorney seated, and not running for the hills, is the muscular yet gentle body sat next to her. Alex can’t answer before the door to an adjoining corridor opens. _Shit!_ Her heart rate spikes as adrenaline infuses every fibre of her being. _Run!_ _They’ll... never... let... me..._  

Olivia notices the subtle change in her neighbours demeanour: her frozen limbs, the tension pulsing through her veins and the sweat oozing from every pore.  

Before Olivia can action anything, the psychiatrist steps forward, whilst still keeping an appropriate distance. ‘Alex,’ she whispers, having read her preference for the shortening in her file. ‘This will be led by you, okay? You can leave after the hour is up, with..? 

‘Olivia. Olivia Benson,’ the detective avoids saying her rank, which could convey Alex as dangerous to the ignorant.  

‘... Olivia,’ the doctor's soft eyes utterly knowing of the attorney’s current state. ‘If it’s okay with you both, Olivia can _even_ come in...’ 

‘No,’ Alex states at once, never more certain of anything in her life. The thought is both heaven and hell in equal measure. 

For her part, Olivia doesn’t flinch at the knowledge there is so much more than Alex has told her. Instead, her heart slams into the floor and her stomach almost revolts against her. _There can’t be..._  

Suddenly, Alex stands and begins towards the open door; her back ramrod straight and her eyes determinedly pointed forward. _If this is the last time I see Olivia, I’ll be dammed_ _if_ _she_ _watches me completely fall apart._  

Only once _her_ Alex enters the room the psychiatrist gestures to, does the detective allow the stifled sob to breach her lips.  

 

Alex sits in the chair offered her, constantly eyeing the doctor with distrust and suspicion. _Doctors. Don’t... I can’t trust them... her. Think of George..._  

‘Hi Alex, I’m Laura. What’s the weather doing?’ 

The attorney frowns at the psychiatrist, taking a moment to realise what she’s doing. She inhales a steadying breath. ‘It’s cloudy but dry,’ Alex states, indulging the doctor, aware of the logic in her question. _Breathe._  

‘Thanks for letting me know,’ the psychiatrist says to draw Alex away from her panic. ‘No need for us to use umbrellas later then,’ she continues the not totally inane conversation, affirming that the attorney will see the sky again today.  

‘I’m going to be allowed to leave?’ Alex asks her most pressing question; her heart beat surging, even though her breathing has calmed slightly. 

‘Yes,’ the doctor answers assertively. ‘You’re in the care of an officer of the law, who has training and experience in...' she stops, knowing she's made her first mistake.  

Alex noticeably pales; staring at her psychiatrist, a stranger, in utter shock. ‘How much do you know?’ she asks, her mouth dry and her pulse racing.  

The brave doctor meets Alex's frosty eyes. ‘You want me to..?’ 

 _‘Tell me_ how much you _know?’_ the attorney whispers, her tone icy and formidable. The role of expert and vulnerable party, suddenly completely reversed.  

‘I know you’re on 50mg of propranolol and valium, three times a day and150mg citalopram once a day, since Thursday. I know you were admitted to Bellevue following a suspected panic attack. Only for your doctor to diagnose sepsis from repeated self-harm on your thighs. You were then sent home in the care of Olivia, with strict instructions to rest for two weeks...’ the psychiatrist continues to read her clients reaction to her current knowledge.  

Alex remains stoic and seemingly unaffected.  

The doctor ploughs on. ‘You were then admitted again, following another panic attack and repeated self-harm. Medics were concerned this could have been due to post sepsis syndrome. None was found.’ 

Instead, your doctor realised you were in the process of...’ the psychiatrist pauses, uncertain of whether to continue. 

Alex nods her head stiffly. 

‘... a miscarriage.’ The attorney's face shows discomfort for the first time. ‘Shall I stop?’ Alex shakes her head, desperately _needing_ to know how much this stranger knows about her torturous existence. ‘There was no recent evidence of intercourse...’ _Seven weeks..._ Alex silently acknowledges, inhaling sharply. ‘But your doctor found vaginal scarring consistent with...’ 

 _‘Enough!’_ she finally interrupts the rambling psychiatrist, her tone conveying her seething anger. ‘How long have you been qualified?’ Alex asks the stern question. 

The psychiatrist hides her shock. ’I’m sorry. I think we’ve started off on the wrong foot. I realise my mistake: speaking of the reason behind you being allowed home. I...’ 

‘No. Your mistake was _implying_ a SVU detective was the reason behind me being ‘sectioned' from home,’ Alex voices, her words like shards of glass. ‘Survivors of rape are not routinely committed. I was _almost_ sectioned because I tried to kill myself by further cutting; _even_ following my sepsis,’ the attorney continues. ‘Rape has _nothing_ to do with my current confinement. The... pregnancy... and miscarriage may have been the result of consensual sex,’ her tone shows no tell. 

‘But it wasn’t,’ the psychiatrist states so quietly, Alex almost doesn’t hear, as her heart beat deafens her.  


	21. Stalked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia finds something disturbing at Alex's apartment.

Olivia arrives back at the hospital, feeling shaken and nauseated. She rarely allows her emotions to bleed into her daily life. Though, the last few days have been _anything_ but normal; her visit to Alex's apartment, to pick up Taco, no exception. She loathes the rioting apprehension surging through her synapses, as she races down the last corridor. 

Stepping into the sterile waiting room, Olivia breathes a sigh of relief at finding the space empty, affording her time to collect herself. She looks down at her trembling hands, slick with sweat; _desperately_ inhaling and exhaling to ward off her own panic. _Fuck!_  

At this very moment, the door to the therapy corridor opens. _Shit! Breathe_ _Benson_ _... Get a grip!_ Olivia takes one last lung-bursting breath before Alex meets her gaze.  

As soon as their eyes lock, Olivia knows she’s been made. The detective’s never felt more selfish. The love of her life has barely survived her first excruciatingly probing session and here she is, eyeing the brunette with heart-wrenching concern.  

 _Liv?_ The silent enquiry burns in the attorney’s anxious orbs, as the psychiatrist intuitively leaves her client in the secure hands of Detective Benson.  

‘Let’s get home,’ Olivia suggests lightly before chastising herself for the very public slip regarding their... _W_ _hat_ _e_ _ver they are._ _Whatever this is._ Alex acquiesces, surprising the brunette by following her without argument or embarrassment.  

But as soon as they’re in Olivia’s car, Alex turns to her with a silent demand that cannot be refused. _Tell me!_  

The detective feels the colour drain from her face as she drowns in the sea of those turbulent orbs. She licks her lips to awaken her suddenly dry mouth. ‘I...’ 

‘ _G_ _odammmit_ _!_ _Liv!_ _Tell_ _. Me._ _Right_ _. Now!_ ’ Alex demands impatiently.  

‘Not until we get somewhere _less_ public,’ Olivia stands her ground, stepping on the gas before Alex can rebuttal. 

The detective drives a scenic route home, intensifying the attorney’s anger, anxiety and terror. She watches Alex claw the seat either side of her thighs as she tries to harness her emotions. 

 

35 minutes later  

As soon as Olivia drives them thru her underground parking lot security gates, and turns the engine off,  her guilt reaches soul-destroying proportions, realising it’s _her_ fault they can’t escape this. ‘Who has access to your apartment?’  

Alexandra Cabot turns deathly pale as another cold sweat washes over her entire body. _No_ _._ She continues to gaze into the chocolate softness as her world implodes once again. ‘Christina, for Taco, and my landlady. Is he alright?’  

‘Taco’s fine,’ Olivia immediately reassures her, knowing _exactly_ where her mind is going.  

 _‘Liv?!’_ Alex stresses, her anxiety overwhelming her relief. _‘Please..._ You’re scaring me.’  

 _I’m so sorry,_ Olivia’s mind apologises at once, her mouth _anything_ but cooperative. She’s doing such a piss-poor job of hiding her discomfort, Alex reaches over and takes her hand. _Oh Jesus, Lex! I’m so sorry_. The guilt suffocates Olivia. ‘Someone placed these on your counter-top,’ she _finally_ relents, angling her phone so Alex can view her screen.  

The first picture is of Alex and Olivia walking in front of the Supreme Court House together, circa 2000. The attorney’s heart freezes and her stomach near rebels against her. _Oh God._ The second shows Olivia comforting Alex, following the attorney’s altercation with Sam Cavanagh’s mother at Bellevue, circa 2001. _What the..?_ The third depicts Alex sleeping; the photographer directly above her, circa 2002. _No._   

The brunette glances at the haunted attorney. ‘Do you want me to continue? They get worse from here.’ Alex bites her lip before nodding her head resolutely, her shoulders squared in morbid preparation, even as her entire body trembles. 

Olivia flicks to the next picture. In it, Alex’s naked silhouette is clearly discernible behind the opaque glass of her apartment shower, circa 2003 (so the photograph states). As soon as she saw this scene, Olivia realised the double impact Alex's forcibly observed shower would have had on the fragile EADA. 

The detective waits for Alex’s acquiescence before showing her further disturbing images.  

The next shot is of Alex looking directly into the camera, her expression quietly terrified, circa 2004. The younger women gasps in horror. _My_ _2_ _9_ _th_ _birthday..._ _Two months before WP... Before I escaped_ _..._ _Happy birthday girlie..._ Alex swallows audibly, her entire frame shivering.  

The next is a very poor quality picture of Alex on the witness stand during Liam Connors trial; the back of Olivia's head in the foreground, circa 2005. _‘Jesus_ Liv!’  

The next is an undated but certainly more recent photo of Alex, again looking directly into the camera. This time her arms are raised in a gesture of protection and self-defence; the cameraman undoubtedly goading her. _No_ _..._ _Seven weeks ago..._  

The last photo is placed in a heart-shaped frame, the image: Alex and Olivia talking outside the Fe, Fi, Foe centre, a little over a week ago. _Fuck!_   

‘Alex. Who else might have access to your apartment?’ 

‘Xav,’ she answers at once, confusion marring her features. ‘But... but that _doesn’t_ make sense _..._ I moved recent...’ Alex suddenly stops herself, achingly aware of how much she is revealing to the woman of her life. _God, Olivia!_  

‘I _know,_ Lex,’ the detective whispers the most damning utterance Alex could _ever_ dread to hear. _She’_ _s_ _figured I moved out following_ _my_ _most recent_ _rape... a desperate_ _attempt_ _to_ _escape him._ It crushes the attorney. Her vision begins to narrow as Olivia drops her phone, not giving a shit if it breaks, as her core priority turns a deathly shade of pale.  

The younger woman somehow remains conscious, pushing Olivia away before she truly loses every last semblance of control she possesses. ‘Please... _Please_ don’t be nice... to me,’ she begs breathlessly, as she cradles her head in her hands. 

For ten minutes, the detective sits, quietly present as the love of her life literally falls apart before her eyes. I _love you. I love you. I love you,_ the detective chants as every fibre of her being stiffens to breaking point; _trying_ desperately to heed Alex's request.  

Eventually, the courageous attorney lifts her head, her eyes churning pools of unimaginable pain. _Oh sweetie._ ‘What aren’t you telling me?’ the ever perceptive EADA reads her detective expertly.  

Olivia tenses her shoulders, loathing Alex’s ability to read her better than anyone. She clears her throat self-consciously. ‘There was also a letter,’ Olivia admits in a tight voice.  

‘Addressed to..?’ the offbeat question surprises Olivia.  

‘You, but it mentions both of us.’  

Alex’s pupils fully dilate as she stares at the only person who matters. _I’ve put_ _the woman of my life in danger because I was selfish enough to_ _note_ _her_ _down_ _as my NOK._ The disgust pummels through her as Olivia almost loses her self-restraint to comfort _her_ Alex. 

‘Do you think it’s a good idea?’ 

‘Show. Me,’ the attorneys demands shakily. The detective flips to the next photo. 

 

 _Dearest Lezza_ _,_  

 _I wonder if you have shared with your darling detective, what you have done over the years? About how much you love her and keen for her._ Olivia's heart almost gave out once she read this at Alex's apartment. Somehow, she herself, felt _(feels)_ like a voyeur. 

 _I t_ _hought by_ _finally_ _hunting_ _you_ _down_ _, after nearly four years of searching,_ _I’d succeeded_ _in converting your attentions._ _But_ _still_ _,_ _you decide on a lifestyle not befitting a lady._  

 _Do you have any idea how others view you? With your_ _ADA ‘job’ and your_ _lesbian tendencies?_  

 _You’re a freak, Alex. An embarrassment. And you must be conditioned, and converted, before you ruin everything. If you continue with this nonsense, I cannot be held accountable for any necessary actions, against you AND your ‘lover’._  

 _You have a sickness that must be purged_ _, Alex._ _You can’t escape_ _me_ _. I will continue to do all I can to save you_ _,_ _to_ _save you from_ _ruin. But, I can only do so much._ _I_ _strongly_ _urge you to e_ _scape_ _this evil heathens_ _clutches_ _,_ _or you will_ _both_ _face the consequences._  

 _And before your homo girlfriend decides to put her alleged detective skills to any use,_ _perhaps remember I’m not stupid. You’ll find no fingerprints, no fibres, no_ _rare ink or paper leads._  

 _I’m a new form of Ghost, Alex. But this time, I’ll finish_ _what he failed to_ _;_ _if you report this,_ _i_ _f you continue with this heinous lifestyle choice._  

 _Your friendly neighbourhood Ghost_  

 

Olivia watched Alex's features the entire time she read the poisonous threats. The detective knows when the attorney finishes as she inhales a shuddering breath; her first since Olivia revealed the horror waiting at Alex's apartment.   

The attorney raises her eyes to meet chocolate brown orbs, both their hearts racing and breaking simultaneously. She licks her lips, a wince flashing across her features as her inner turmoil battles for dominance. ‘I’m so sorry, Liv. _Jesus!_ I’m so goddamn sorry,’ she whispers hauntingly, her tears spilling down her cheekbones.  

‘Can I?’ Olivia asks, desperately trying to keep her skin from comforting Alex’s flesh. With no answer forthcoming, the detective tentatively cradles the attorney’s exquisite face.  

A low whimper escapes Alex's lips as she innately nuzzles into her detective’s  touch.   

‘I am here, Alex. What do you need from me, sweetie?’ Olivia tries, her soul shattering with every tear that floods her Alexandra Cabot’s clavicles.   

‘I need you to get as far away from me as you can... He’s watching... he might be _watching_ right now...’ the attorney makes to get out of the car, the only thing stopping her, the child's lock. Alex turns to stare at her Olivia. ‘Let me out, Liv,’ she demands, an array of emotions washing over her face.  

‘Where would go, Alex? _Please,’_ the detective can't keep the begging timber from her tone.  

The resolute EADA tries the door again, slamming her hands on the dashboard when it remains locked. _‘_ _Goddamnit_ Olivia! Open this _fucking_ door!’ She tries the handle once more. It doesn’t budge. ‘Goddamn... Let... me... out... Olivia! I can’t...’ Alex slams her hands against her own thighs, her rage escalating with each passing minute. 

‘I can’t, Lex...’ the detective tries to explain but Alex cuts her off, slapping Olivia's legs, arms and attempting to land a blow to her face. Olivia allows the utterly struggling EADA to lash out at her, to release some of her surging angst before she hits herself. _Better me..._ the brunette surmises, as her achingly trauma’d charge _eventually_ _,_ inevitably, leans into her lap, the attorney's sobs wracking her chest. 

Alexandra Cabot _finally_ shows her _only_ safe person, the absolute damage caused by at least four members of her own family. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you like me to keep uploading this or stop and begin DD;H?


	22. Tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex welcomes Taco home.  
> Alex and Olivia have a tense debate.
> 
> Thank you for last chapters comments and kudos. They show me people are still reading and 'enjoying'this. Please continue to let me know your thoughts. THANK YOU.

Watching Alex reunite with Taco almost makes the burning ashes of hell, worth fighting for. _Almost._   

Watching the willowy blonde try to scoop the hefty maine coon into her arms, before thinking better of it and getting down to his level, clutching him to her like her life depends on it, the first genuine smile on the attorney's lips in far too long; causes Olivia’s heart to constrict with all-consuming love, sadness and hope.  

Having her fur baby in her arms gives Alex more joy that she could _ever_ imagine. _He didn’t hurt him. He left Taco alone._ The attorney runs her fingers through his dense fur, her head nestled near his heartbeat. For the first time in days, the relief that he is unhurt, healthy, alive, brings tears to her eyes. She quickly buries her face in his tummy to hide them from the achingly loyal woman watching them.  

Olivia suddenly realises what she’s doing. _Watching_. Feeling somehow deviant, following the disgusting revelations at Alex’s apartment, the detective turns to the kitchen, desperately searching for something to do with her hands. _Coffee_. She grabs two cups, forcing herself to stem the tears. _Jesus!_  

Alex eventually falls asleep in Tacos warmth. Olivia doesn’t have the heart, or confidence, to move her. Instead, she retrieves her blanket mountain from the couch and envelopes them in layers of comfort. 

 

Three hours later, the beautiful EADA finally stirs. Taco immediately pads for his mama, nuzzling her cheek as Alex leans back into him for a final embrace before truly waking.  

The detective busied herself with quiet tasks to stop herself watching her sleep, like the _creep_. Even so, observing this gorgeous pairing reconnect is achingly beautiful. Olivia almost whimpers in awe at the scene before her. She turns to the sink to prevent every emotion rioting through her, from externalising themselves.  

‘Thank you,’ Alex whispers graciously, giving Olivia permission to face her.  

‘You’re welcome,’ she replies, slowly approaching the horizontal pair. Taco gives her fingers a sniff before nuzzling his head into the palm of her hand. Olivia’s heart melts at the action, the scene. _He accepts me._  

They both know the conversation is coming, the conversation that will both heighten and, hopefully, solve this nightmare.  

The attorney eventually meets her detectives assessing gaze. She inhales sharply before licking her lips; attempting to awaken them further before she stumbles over her words. ‘I... I’m...’ 

‘Don’t you dare apologise for something outside your control,’ Olivia warns quietly. ‘I should be the one apologising. I can’t help thinking I caused you more harm. When I turned up at your... about that warrant. _Es_ _pecially_ after that stupid homophobic comment when your father...’ 

Alex reaches for Olivia’s cheek before either of them can think of the consequences. ‘Don’t...’ she whispers, her haunted eyes conveying a truth she will _never_ voice. ‘I... You were doing your job by coming. Then you put yourself in harm’s way to protect me... You are my heroine, now and always,’ the attorney finishes, her thumb brushing Olivia’s cheekbone.  

‘I didn’t protect you enough,’ the detective argues, feeling undeserving of Alex’s touch. 

‘I didn’t let you,’ Alex says honestly, her fingers reaching into her detectives tussled locks. ‘They’d...’ she stops herself before she reveals _everything_. 

‘They’d have come after me,’ Olivia finishes for her; the brunette's voice shaking with a quiet rage and sadness, so consuming, she begins pacing the room to distract from tearing her place apart. ‘I _knew_. Even before I read that... that _fucking_ letter,’ she states angrily, shaking her head in utter disbelief and despair. ‘I knew... as soon as I got the call from the hospital. As soon as Bronwyn told me you’d had a...’ 

Alex’s face turns ashen white. ‘She _told_ you?’ 

 _Fuck!_ Olivia stares at the floor, hating the day her mouth decided to conspire against her.  

‘Oh Jesus!’ escapes the attorney’s lips as her features fight between seething rage and soul-shattering desolation. Rage wins out. ‘I should have her _fucking_ struck off! The over-sharing bitch!’ Alex stands and stalks the apartment, kicking a table leg and throwing a cushion across the room. Olivia watches her soulmate, in all her haunted magnificence _. I’m so sorry_. ‘I’d kill her if she was...’ 

‘You say how much of a hero I am. But Christ Alex, do you _realise_ what you have done for me? What you have _sacrificed?_ What you have..?’ 

‘I’d do it all again to keep you...’ 

 _‘_ _Jesus_ Alex! I’m a NYPD detective, with a gun and a squad of heavies who would do anything for me, and _you!’_  

‘So, you should know that a gun and a bunch of ‘heavies’ can’t muscle into a moneyed, high society family without due cause. You’d have been crucified!’ 

‘Do you hear yourself?’ Olivia walks up behind Alex, her own shock and rage near impossible to contain. ‘There was... _is_ due cause. So much of it!’ 

‘You have no idea who you’re dealing with...’ the attorney rallies round to face _her_ detective. 

‘Don’t I, Alex? Don’t I?’ Olivia retorts, equal parts in unadulterated awe of _her_ heroine, equal parts in anguished despair of Alex’s suffering at the hands of her deranged family, to save _her_. ‘Because all I know is this needs to stop. Right. Now! I can’t...’ 

‘You can’t stop them... him! You just _can_ _’_ _t!’_ Alex’s face suddenly only inches from Olivia’s. 

‘Him? Xav?’ 

‘Yes, for fucks sake!’ 

‘He is a _man_ _,_ not a mythical monster, who deserves to have his balls cut off, his penis flayed and his anus...’ 

‘Stop!’ 

‘... jammed with a red hot...’ 

 _‘Enough!’_  

‘... poker until he...’ 

 _‘Olivia!’_  

‘Let me protect you, Lex? _Please_ _,_ let me help you...’ 

‘He’ll kill you!’ 

‘I won’t give him the chance...’ 

‘These people have money, connections and _no_ morals,’ Alex voices breathlessly. ‘They’re worse than the cartel. You’ll just disappear one...’ 

‘I’d rather die than spend one more day thinking they’ve abused you, will continue to...’ 

‘If I’d not been so _stupid_ and _selfish_ _;_ selfish enough to put you as my NOK...’ 

‘Why did you?’ Olivia clutches the moment with every beat of her desperate heart. 

The question mutes Alex; her body so ramrod straight, a passerby would think her made of marble.  

‘Lex?’ Olivia tries. 

‘I thought with my father, mother and grandfather gone, he would stop. I thought he’d always been pressured, forced. He’d always been more... _gentle_ with me,’ Alex whispers the heart-wrenching truth, a wince clearly discernible in her tone. A half-sob escapes her lips as Olivia takes the leap and grasps Alex's jaw softly, wiping the tears racing down her cheeks. ‘He always checked on me. Sometimes he’d even try to protect me,’ she whispers, her eyes the size of saucers. ‘But when he came that day, he... he... he wanted me and I was so... _shocked_ that he would... _want_ to, without them pressuring him...’ 

Olivia brushes away further tears as Alex cheats heaves with the onslaught of emotions surging through her. The detective tries with all her might to stem her own, but finds herself wanting as rivets flood her cheek hollows.  

‘That was the moment I knew I would _never_ be free. WP gave me a chance to exist without _that_ particular horror. But I was _still_ on alert for similar reasons...’ Olivia listens as her beautifully worthy charge bears her soul. ‘I have been terrified my _entire_ life.’  

This achingly haunting utterance breaks the detective. She gazes into Alex’s soul with all the love she can muster, asking for permission. Gaining it, she envelopes the blonde in her crushing embrace, never intending to let go. Ever. 


	23. Reveal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Olivia have THE conversation. 
> 
> Chapter was meant for this coming Thursday. But with the lovely kudos reaching 110 and the comments being so great, why not ey? 
> 
> For Chely99, Artemiskitty and M ❤

Finally, their despairing hearts ease enough to dry the tears, to still their trembling limbs, to inhale the necessary oxygen, to enable an equilibrium that calms the soul.  

Minutes pass as they breathe in the scent, the aura, the beauty of their only significant other.  

 _My ot_ _her half_ _._  

 _You make me whole._  

Their parallel thoughts silent and unknown, yet so obviously readable to an outsider. The determined detective and the fierce attorney are in love. Simple. Complex. Beautiful. Harrowing. Brave. Exposing. Honest. 

Eventually, Olivia pulls away from Alex; being mindful to never encroach on the blondes boundaries without consent. As her touch disappears from the EADA's skin, the detective feels a desperate hand grasp for her retreating fingers. She raises her eyes from Alex’s suddenly vice-like grip, to those achingly intoxicating, cloudy blue orbs.  

‘He probably followed us here. He knows where you live. I _led_ him to you...’ she states abruptly, her thoughts streaming from her mouth in machine-gun fashion.  

‘I need your permission to arrest him Lex,’ Olivia whispers with urgent certainty. ‘I need...’ 

‘For what?’ Alex asks, her eyebrow raised is quiet challenge. 

‘The letter, the pictures... your injuries...’ 

‘He didn’t sign it off using his name,’ Alex argues flatly, shaking her head. ‘He’d accuse Christina; ‘a disgruntled employee,’ whose fingerprints are all over my apartment. You won’t find his _anywhere_ ,’ Alex counters before swallowing sharply. ‘And my...’ 

‘Are we sure Christina...’ 

Alex shakes her head vehemently. ‘Chris is the _only_ other person I trust enough to _willingly_ allow into my apartment,’ she retorts defensively, instantly getting Olivia’s back up. 

‘Were you..?’ 

‘For _Christ_ sake, Liv!’ the attorney stares her down, incredulous. ‘Where and how would I find the time and _courage_ to do that?’ Alex’s eyes suddenly ignite with anger, hurt and the tiniest glee at seeing this new vulnerability in her detective: _jealousy_. ‘I’ve never spoken of my preferences to anyone; _anyone_ before!’ 

‘But the letter..?’ 

‘He’s called me that since I rebuffed several jocks advances in school! The ones every girl in history _should_ like. _Jesus_ Olivia!’ 

‘And what is your _preference?’_ the detective bravely challenges. 

 _YOU!_ reverberates through Alex’s mind. But always the thinker, Alex mulls over the question for several moments before raising her eyes to the kindest chocolate brown orbs she’ll ever see; her heart suddenly in her mouth as her every fibre yearns for the woman standing in front of her. ‘You’re jealous,’ the EADA states instead, her cowardly need to protect herself still so achingly ingrained. 

‘You bet I am!’ Olivia growls as she takes a step closer, her breath hot on Alex’s skin. 

‘Stop being such a possessive _asshole!’_ Alex kicks the Hornets nest; desperate to distract herself from the warmth invading every molecule of her willowy frame. 

‘Stop being such a fucking...’ 

‘What? Olivia?’ the attorney goads, knowing _exactly_ what the woman of her life wants to say; their taut bodies millimetres from each other. 

The detective's entire frame shakes with anger, arousal and shame.   

 _‘Say it!’_ Alex demands with conviction. 

‘Hero.’ This was _not_ the label the blonde was expecting. _Tease, yes. Hero, no._ _Oh Liv!_ _‘Stop_ protecting me. _Stop_ sacrificing yourself. Stop... _just stop it!_ _’_ Olivia rages; her inadequacies as a friend, an officer of the law, a soulmate, _utterly_ devastating. ‘I can’t lose you again!’ the detective finally voices her most exposing truth; her heart, body and soul bare and vulnerable to any retribution Alex sees fit. 

‘I’m no hero. I’m a hypocrite and a coward, Olivia! I near instruct survivors to bear their souls and face their abusers,’ Alex states passionately, disgusted with herself. ‘Yet my _only_ efforts are cutting and endangering _you!’_  

‘I endangered myself, and I will continue to, until you realise there’s another way,’ Olivia stares straight into her soulmates eyes. 

‘Don’t! _Don’t_ reverse psychology me, Liv! I...’ Alex spits at her detective. 

 _‘_ _Stop_ projecting..!’ 

 _‘Stop_ mind..!’ 

‘Stop...’ Olivia is silenced by Alex's lips. The attorney cradles the brunettes jaw and nape as she kisses her mouth ravenous. It takes _everything_ for the detective to stop herself ravishing the beautiful EADA as their bodies pulse to a new, all-consuming rhythm; forever teased, never until this moment, thoroughly tasted. _Oh God!_  

When Alex invades her mouth, Olivia can’t contain her hunger any longer. She wraps her arms around her stunning, ideal woman; never, _ever_ expecting to taste the perfection of Alexandra Cabot. _And what perfection she is._ Olivia threads her fingers through her flaxen mane; neither woman wishing to end the kiss.  

Alex snuggles her body into Olivia’s, making them whole; their final jigsaw piece found; their soul counterpoint complete.  

 _Fuck!_ Olivia’s head near explodes, never expecting the love of her life to _want_ to touch her, taste her this way. 

 _Oh Jesus Liv!_ Alex moans, desperate for oxygen, but unwilling to relinquish her mouth to get it. Olivia is equally reluctant, her arms squeezing the attorney’s willowy frame tighter still. Their bodies intertwined, their minds synced, their mouths as one; literally drinking in the others intoxication. Nothing else matters but this moment. No history, no future, just now; their present the _only_ truth as Alex and Olivia finally part for breath. They inhale sharply, their chests billowing as their eyes see only each other. They nuzzle their life partner’s exquisite features as they breathe in the others essence.  

Their anger gone, their arousal surging, Olivia searches her heroine’s eyes. ‘What do you need, sweetie?’ her voice breathless as her every fibre shakes with the effort to _not_ take Alexandra Cabot, right here, right now.  

‘You,’ the blonde whispers, voicing the detective’s dream reply. The expression in the her eyes gives Olivia all the permission she needs. She cups Alex’s jaw, waiting for the EADA to nod her absolute acquiesces before taking utter ownership of her mouth. 

Minutes pass as they taste, drink in and feast on each other; their kiss urgent yet more controlled than before. Olivia taking Alex's cue at every turn, desperate to avoid overstepping her, _their_ boundaries. 

The attorney whimpers when Olivia finally withdraws her touch. She tries to halt the detective’s retreat but is thwarted by the physically stronger brunette. 

Olivia steps backwards until she is leaning against the adjoining wall, her eyes closed as she tries to catch her breath. 

Alex watches her detective struggle. _Please!_ her mind screams, terrified the woman of her life is about to desert her; repulsed by her lesbian tendencies, by her forward behaviour.  

Olivia, in turn, is observing her soulmate, whose expressionless face is hiding a tsunami of destructive emotions. _I know you, Alex Cabot_. ‘Lex, was that okay?’ the detective asks, her own insecurities suddenly, _painfully_ apparent. 

Shocked cloudy blues meet hopeful chocolate brown. _Oh Liv._ Tears start to fall from those turbulent orbs as Alex approaches her life partner once more. She stops a foot away, ensuring Olivia has her space, as her entire being begs for the beautiful detective to meet her half way. _Please!_  

Her heart almost bursts out of her chest as the brunette steps forward, until they are standing within millimetres of one another, once more.  

Alex inhales a shuddering breath so sharply, a sob escapes her lips. ‘I have admired you since the moment I saw you and I’ve loved you since you chased down Taco in my hallway. I knew you were checking in on me, after your impromptu visit...’ finishing the sentence is entirely unnecessary. ‘You were, are so _dangerous_ to me. I was terrified of your power over me. I was terrified you’d be repulsed by me and the secrets I’m carrying. I’m terrified you'll be harmed, raped, killed if we grow too close...’ 

‘That was my fault...’ 

‘No, it wasn't your... It was _mine,’_ Alex’s voice breaks as her emotions push through her contained facade.  

Olivia can’t stem her need to comfort her love. She gently brushes her hand over the attorneys exquisite cheekbone, using her thumb to wipe away her tears. ‘No. It was _their_ fault,  _not_ yours,’ the detective whispers, her heart-breaking. 

‘No, it was mine,’ Alex states, her tone vehement. She nuzzles Olivia’s palm before she pulls away and stalks to Taco's carry pen. The attorney takes a steadying breath as she lifts the pen and removes a plastic envelope from its underside. She then turns and stares between the item in her hand and _her_ Olivia Benson. Alex tries to swallow the lump suffocating her as she approaches the detective and hands her the envelope. ‘This is why _everything_ that has happened in the last nine years is my fault,’ she utters, her guilt and shame painfully discernible.  

Olivia opens the plastic covering, revealing a DVD disc. _Oh God!_ She swallows sharply, realising what this one fragile item contains: Alex’s harrowing experiences, but more significantly, her future. The detective raises her watery eyes, her entire body shaking with the infusion of adrenaline into her system.  

Alex places her hand on her soulmates arm. ‘They’d never abused me outside of that hellish prison... When they invaded my apartment...’ Olivia will never know the reason behind why they did this. _Ever_. ‘... it was like the last boundary had been crossed, violated,’ she takes a lung-bursting breath. ‘So, I set up several cameras in case they did it again,’ the attorney lowers her gaze, finding Olivia’s too painful to meet. ‘They did.’ 

The detective’s heart constricts so devastatingly, a low moan of despair rises up from her soul. The sound reverberates through her apartment, echoing the sheer horror of her life partners experiences. ‘Alex...’ is all Olivia can voice; her relief and desolation that the CD in her hand holds proof of the love of her life being mercilessly abused by her own family, almost too much to bear.  

‘I'm so sorry...’ _I didn’t turn this in earlier_ , is left unspoken.   

‘Lex...’ the detective struggles to form words. ‘This is your way out,’ she states breathlessly. 

‘It’s my one guarantee he won’t hurt you, now.’ Olivia closes her eyes; the realisation that the _only_ reason Alex is revealing this evidence is to save _her,_ hitting its mark.   

‘Oh, Lex...’ the brunette stutters, her emotions buckling under the horror of this devastating disclosure. ‘Do you _realise_ how... fucked up this is?’ Olivia voices the heart-breaking truth. _Alex_ _has only offered up this evidence to save me, not herself._  

‘He'll say he was coerced...’ 

‘The letter and photos will nail him,’ Olivia states with certainty. 

‘Jesus Christ, I hope so...’ Alex breathes, knowing how tenacious and slippery the Cabot Clan can be. 

‘We will get him, sweetie,’ the detective promises, leaning into her trembling life partner.  

‘I love... you,’ Alex whispers as her emotions merge with her soulmate.   

Olivia softly cradles the attorney's elegant jaw as they gasp for breath. ‘If it’s... the last thing... I do... I will help you... _learn_ to... love yourself,’ she promises with every ounce of her being. _‘Christ,_ I love _you_ _,_ Alexandra Frieda Cabot!’ 


	24. To Disclose or..?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex works through understandable anxieties.
> 
> For Chely, Amelie and M ❤

Olivia puts on her brown leather coat, the one Alex used to fantasise about when... The attorney shuts her eyes momentarily to snap herself out of the inappropriate daydream. _Where_ _.._ _?_ She eyes her detective with caution. ‘Where are you going?’ _I’ve literally just poured my heart out to you and you’re leaving?_ A shiver travels the length of her frame; her heart bruising her chest as her lungs seize in frozen terror. _You're..._ _leaving me..._  

The detective notices the turbulent emotions swimming in Alex's eyes. She approaches her life partner and cradles her face gently between thumb and forefinger. ‘I’m not going _anywhere_ without you,’ Olivia promises, observing Alex's sallow complexion. ‘Together, from this day forward. Deal?’ she adds, urgently _needing_ the attorney to know they are a team, now and always.  

Alex swallows sharply. ‘I...’  

The detective is achingly aware of how terrified her heroine is. ‘Sorry, I’m moving too fast,’ she whispers, her exuberance at hearing Alexandra Cabot say she loves her, silencing all other fears, until those shimmering blue eyes spear her gut. ‘I’m sorry,’ she says again, her fingers wiping the attorneys tear stained face. 

Alex gazes into Olivia's eyes for several beats, her mouth working soundlessly as her mind berates and chastises her: _Y_ _ou dirty_ _,_ _lesbian whore! As_ _i_ _f this_ _intoxicating_ _,_ _dusky_ _creature_ _c_ _ould love you_ _?!_ _You don’t deserve..._ ‘Deal!’ she shouts above her own din; desperate to silence the toxic voices of her brethren.  

The stricken expression on Alex's tortured face breaks Olivia's heart and shatters her... _Jesus! Th_ _ey really did a number on_ _you_ _._   

Seething rage consumes the detective as the happiest moment of their lives; after ten years of comforting gestures, light touches, heated arguments and secret smiles; is torn apart by the whispers, the accusations, the heinacity of Alex's three male relatives, the inaction of her supposed mother figure. 

‘I’m not going anywhere,’ Olivia repeats; her gaze, her touch unwavering. 

‘Even if Xav...’ 

‘He won’t get near _us_ ,’ the detective states with conviction, her thumbs brushing Alex's cheeks. ‘He will _never_ touch you again, Lex. All because you were savvy enough to record this and brave enough to share it,’ Olivia whispers; her eyes gentle and searching. 

The horrific realisation that her old squad, her colleagues, her friends will watch her... video, causes Alex to suddenly push Olivia away and run to the bathroom, her stomach rebelling against her. 

The detective follows quickly behind, approaching from the side as she pulls Alex's flaxen mane away from her face. 

The attorney retches for sometime after her stomach empties. Olivia whispers comforting utterances as the love of her life's fear and revulsion work through her system.  

Eventually, Alex's stomach settles enough for her to remove her head from the toilet bowl. She sits back, against the bath tub, her eyes closed, her head in her hands. 

Olivia moves to sit beside her, their thighs touching, as she waits for Alex to process this latest development: the impact of complete and utter disclosure. 

‘I...’ the attorney finally stirs. ‘I can’t _stand_ the thought of them watching it... _me_... being...’ she whispers, imaging the squad observing and assessing several video recordings of her being brutalised. Alex swallows sharply, desperately trying to stem further heaves. ‘I don’t want Dick... Elliot...’ she corrects herself, causing Olivia to laugh at the attorney’s nickname for her partner.  

‘Really?’ 

‘Really.’ 

‘Can’t argue with that,’ she concedes, knowing Elliot Stabler can be a misogynistic arsehole when he wants to be.  

The light hearted moment isn’t lost on either of them, as Alex grasps Olivia’s hand and holds it between her closed thighs. This one action makes the detective’s mind, body and soul ignite like never before. She allows the attorney’s closed thighs to warm her cold hand. Gladly.  

 _‘_ _He_ can't see it,’ Alex insists as she faces her Olivia. ‘I’ll feel raped all over again as it is. Him seeing it would...’ the EADA pauses, shaking her head; renewed tears threatening to fall from her cloudy blues as she tries to rid herself of the nauseating thought.  

‘I’ll talk to Cragen and keep this as contained as possible,’ Olivia promises, as she squeezes Alex’s inner thigh.  

The attorney turns to gaze at _her_ brunette, inhaling a shuddering breath. ‘You and I both know a incestuous story involving the homicide division EADA, formerly the ‘slain' ADA of SVU, will make headlines,’ Alex states logically, not an ounce of ego present.  

 _Add Alexandra Cabot's intoxicating beauty_ _to the mix: the_ _masses will eat it up_ _,_ Olivia agrees, knowing her soulmate is serving herself up, to save _her_. ‘Please tell me this _isn_ _’_ _t_ just for me? To protect me?’ the detective asks, as she begins to truly realise how far Alex will go to protect her. 

The attorney looks into chocolate brown eyes, her heart hammering out of her chest. ‘I would _suffer_ a thousand horrors to stop them laying a finger on you,’ Alex growls as she rubs her thighs against Olivia’s hand. _Oh Alex._  

‘You _have_ suffered a thousand...’ 

‘Stop!’ Alex shouts vehemently, causing the detective to freeze, terrified her touch... ‘Don’t!’ she barks aggressively as Olivia tries to withdraw her hand. She stops at once, thanking fates she hasn’t overstepped, _physically_ at least. ‘I...’ the attorney tries, the images flashing through her mind pummelling her senses. ‘When _I_ _let_ him in seven weeks ago, to talk, to try to heal from what happened to us, I genuinely _believed_ he was as much a... survivor as me. But as soon as he stepped over my threshold, his... _intentions_ were clear,’ Alex voices through clenched teeth. ‘I can’t _bare_ the thought of him _touching_ you... or me, _ever_ again,’ her entire body trembles; the coolness of the tiles not helping any.  

Olivia’s soul aches. ‘He won’t,’ she promises as she lifts her free hand to gently turn Alex's gaze to hers. ‘He _won’t_ _,’_ the detective repeats, her heart in her mouth as those cloudy blue orbs stare into her core. _I’ll kill him if he_ _tries_ _._  

‘You _can_ _’_ _t_ watch them, Liv,’ the EADA begs, never more certain of anything in her life. ‘You’ll kill him if you do.’ 

Olivia swallows thickly, maintaining eye contact, searching those azul depths. ‘Have you watched it?’  

Alex inhales a shuddering breath as she leans further into the bath tub behind her. ‘Just enough to ensure I caught them,’ she answers plainly, as Olivia cradles her exquisite jaw.  

‘You are the _bravest,_ most _incredible_ person I know,’ the detective stresses earnestly, comprehending the full extent of Alexandra Cabot's strength and will.  

The attorney nuzzles into her life partners palm; her eyes closed, her heart full yet broken.  

‘I love you, Lex,’ Olivia states, almost shyly, _desperate_ to hear her soulmate breathe the words again. 

‘And I love you, Liv. Now and always,’ she affirms, as her tears burst through the ice queen facade, once more.  

The detective envelopes Alex into her arms as they both buckle under the weight of their emotions.  

‘I _feel_ them,’ the blonde whispers into Olivia’s neck. ‘I feel their hands on my skin, _scorching_ me, _branding_ me. It burns, _constantly_. I hurt everywhere, all of the time.’  

The brunette tightens her hold, as she attempts to silence the moan of anguish fighting to escape her lips. She takes several steadying breaths before she trusts herself to speak. ‘I will sooth _every_ burn, _every_ scar, _every_ welt . I _promise_ you that,’ Olivia whispers passionately, her lips curled in abject rage as her nails lightly scratch Alex's nape. ‘What are you wanting to do, sweetie?’ 

A mirthless laugh bursts through the attorney’s lips, surprising Olivia. ‘I _want_ to castrate them... _him!’_ Alex seethes, her breath tickling Olivia’s skin. She exhales deeply. ‘But, I _need_ to go to the precinct and hand in evidence that will finally end his, _their_ reign of terror.’  

The detective pulls away slightly to look into Alex's soul. ‘When?’ 

The EADA caresses Olivia’s face before she threads her fingers through her cropped locks. ‘Do you have _any_ idea how long I’ve dreamt of this? Of you?’ she asks quietly. ‘Being able to touch you like this, without the urge to harm myself because of the disgusting, degenerate nature of it?’ 

Olivia clears her throat to stem the cry of utter despair. 

‘The years of emotional, physical and... sexual torture were worth suffering, for this moment,’ she whispers, crushing and elating the detective in equal measure. _My God, Alex!_  

Alex takes one more lung-bursting breath before she gets to her feet, standing over her desolate Olivia Benson. Offering her hand, the beautiful attorney stares into exhausted, yet hopeful chocolate brown eyes. ‘Let’s go, before I change my mind and allow a sadistic rapist to continue to roam free.’


	25. Rock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Olivia leave their refuge.
> 
> For Chely, Artemiskitty and M <3
> 
> Thank you for the hike in kudos, it means the world (as do your continued comments).

Olivia takes her hand but doesn't use it to leaver herself up, mindful that Alex is still recovering from her sepsis. Instead, the detective uses her powerful thighs and the bath tub as purchase.  

A thought crosses her mind: ‘We could always ask Fin and Cragen to come here...’ 

‘And find out we're currently living together?!’ Alex shrills in alarm, her words like barbs to Olivia’s chest. ‘I _love_ you, Liv, but I’m not ready for... This is going to be painful enough...’ she rambles, her discomfort clear. ‘If Xav finds out we’re...’ The attorney furrows her brow in fear and confusion. ‘What are we...?’ she asks, stepping away as Olivia tenses every muscle to stop herself following.  

She licks her lips to steady herself. ‘We're whatever you feel most comfortable with; and least threatened...’ 

‘You _don’t_ frighten me, Liv. My thoughts and _his_ reactions do. I...’  

Olivia recognises Alex is teetering on the edge, her chest billowing as her lungs begin to strain with anxiety. _Alex_ _..._ She finally follows, moving to be by her life's side once more. ‘You won’t _ever_ have to look over your shoulder, watch your back, again. You can have a life...’ 

The attorney lifts her hand for silence, the brunettes words too much. ‘Don’t promise me things that aren’t... certain, Olivia.’ 

The detective takes Alex’s raised hand and places it over her ricocheting heart. ‘You feel that?’ Chocolate brown bore into iridescent cloudy blue. ‘You _feel_ it?’ Olivia waits for her soulmate to nod her head; tears threatening to fall from her shimmering orbs. ‘This is the one certainty I can give you,’ she breathes, utterly aware her next utterance will either solidify or ruin their current... relationship. ‘I will stand with you, as a friend, as a cop, as a...’ 

‘...lover,’ Alex whispers, surprising and elating Olivia. _Jesus Alex!_ Heat radiates through her abdomen. 

‘In whatever capacity you need me,’ Benson inhales sharply as she uses every ounce of her strength to dampen her _need_ to kiss, to love, this achingly beautiful woman, for all time. ‘I can step back...’ Alex grabs hold of her hand then, conveying all Olivia needs to know. _Christ, I love you_ _._ ‘I will be by your side, as a supportive _friend,_ until, or unless, you decide otherwise. _You_ are in control of this...’ the detective gestures between them using their joined hands, moments before Alex leans into her. 

The attorney takes Olivia’s mouth, _completely_ ; her need, her ravenous hunger for her life partner all-consuming. The detective threads her fingers through blonde satin as Alex holds onto her for dear life, her tongue awakening their every never-ending in illuminating fashion.  

 _Oh God!_  

 _Jesus fucking Christ!_  

Their minds scream as their mouths, bodies and clits near explode with overwhelming desire and arousal. 

Alex pushes Olivia back against the wall, a moan escaping the detectives lips as all her fantasies come... _Stop!_ She suddenly freezes. Alex senses this, immediately. She withdraws her mouth, her azul orbs frightened, searching. _Please don’t leave me_ _, Olivia._ _I’m sorry..._  

‘Sorry, I just... I don’t want to rush you. I don’t want to pressure you...’ 

‘Nor me you...’ Alex whispers, her empathy blind-siding Olivia, as always. _You’re magnificent._  

‘I don’t want you to think I don’t _want_ you.’ _Brilliant wording_ _Olivia!_ she self-chastises, openly perspiring as she waits for Alex's response.  

‘And I don’t want you to think I’m ashamed of you. I’m just not ready to out myself completely. But I am begging you to be by my side whilst I work on it. Deal?’ 

‘Deal.’  

‘What you just did proves, as you always have, how special and perfect you are for me,’ Alex affirms as she runs her fingers through those brown curls. ‘You’re the only person to stop...’ 

‘Well, maybe some mouth wash wouldn’t go amiss,’ Olivia jokes before kicking herself as Alex lowers her gaze self-consciously. _Shit_ _!_  

‘Shit! I’m sor...’ The detective tucks her hand under her soulmates angular jaw, slowly regaining eye contact. 

Olivia kisses Alex’s forehead and nose. With this simple, loving gesture, the brunette knows she’s shored up this particular faction, as she basks in her ideal woman’s rare smile. 

 

45 minutes later 

After Alex enjoys a private shower and Olivia has her own, the detective is unashamedly infused with mind-numbing relief on seeing Alexandra Cabot stood at her apartment door, a vision of poised perfection; unharmed, uninjured, _alive_.  

Olivia towels herself off and dresses quickly; her face blushing when she spies Alex watching her in the reflection of the mirror.  

The attorney immediately averts her gaze from the sun-kissed flesh of the woman of her life. 

The detective buttons up her collar as she walks into the kitchen diner, smiling to herself as Alex busies herself with Taco, to hide her embarrassment. ‘It’s okay, Lex,’ Olivia voices honestly, the idea of her soulmate being aroused by watching her dress, causing earth-shaking eruptions of molten lava to ignite in her core. ‘Anytime you want to watch me dry myself, dress, feel free,’ she offers, a light timbre to her tone  

‘I don’t want to be a _creeper_...’ Alex finally faces her love. 

‘You’re not, because I _want_ you to... I _want_ you to... feast... on my body,’ Olivia stutters, dreading she’s said too much, placed too much pressure on those fragile shoulders. _Shit!_  

Alex approaches her, her cool perfection utterly disconcerting. The attorney says nothing, her touch, (her fingers lightly dancing across Olivia’s cheekbones before delving into her hair), saying _everything_. ‘Let’s go.’ 

 

The Precinct  

Alex and Olivia take the thankfully empty elevator to the bullpen. The detective subtly checks on her attorney; side-eyeing her as they ascend the precinct building. 

‘You can’t keep looking at me like that once these door open, Olivia,’ she notes as the brunette blushes crimson.  

Olivia takes a wavering breath, her anxiety for her soulmate overwhelming as she tries to heed this incredibly brave woman’s advice. _Just don’t look at her once the doors open._ _But that’ll be i_ _mpossible_ _!_  

The doors open to a hive of activity. Pretty average for a Friday afternoon approaching evening.  

 _Great thinking, Benson!_ Olivia chastises as she observes Alex’s already alabaster features turn a sickly shade of grey. The detective is by her side within seconds. But before Olivia can breathe a word, Alex steps out of the elevator and stalks at speed, towards Cragen’s office.  

She takes the indirect route to avoid the bullpen altogether, wanting to slink in as covertly as possible. _As covertly_ _as an achingly beautiful woman can_ _at least_ _,_ Olivia thinks to herself, as she follows the sway of her... _Benson!_  

Alex raps on Don's open door before walking in without further invitation. Olivia follows suit, rapidly closing the door behind her.  

‘Liv,’ Cragen whispers in surprise, nodding at Alex without verbally acknowledging her; his analysing eyes noting the EADA's sallow complexion, her litheness a hairs breadth away from malnourished. ‘I wasn’t expecting you back for another week,’ he states, to cover his greater shock at Alexandra Cabot's seemingly strong, yet fragile appearance.  

‘Something’s come up, Cap,’ Olivia replies as Alex sits down, her breaths rapid and shallow; this being the furthest she’s walked since her sepsis... and miscarriage.  

The detective also sits down as Cragen senses the gravitas of this impromptu visit. ‘Okay. I’m all ears,’ he says quietly; his gut cramping with anxiety due to, the until this moment elusive, Alex Cabot showing herself after four years of enforced absence. _She_ _obviously_ _didn’t_ _want to reconnect with_ _SVU_ _,_ the Captain concluded, hearing as the squad did, that their former ADA had been back in New York for several months, prior to this evening.  

He swallows sharply as turbulent azul orbs meet his. ‘Before I begin, I need your word this will be contained, as far as is possible,’ Alex finally speaks, her breaths less laboured as her Warrior facade is utilised to full force.  

Don glances at Olivia, whose own complexion is worryingly pale. He turns back to those haunted eyes and nods his head, his voice suddenly lost under waves of pummelling concern. _Jesus!_  

‘That’s not good enough,’ Alex states fiercely, a nod anything but certain.  

Cragen kicks himself, but still struggles to open his mouth. ‘You have my word,’ he grounds out, his teeth clenching to breaking point as he wonders what the _hell_ has happened to his detective, his former, and openly favourite, ADA. 

Alex looks to her rock then. Said rock stares back, her eyes conveying a support, an awe, an empathy like no other. The attorney takes a steadying breath, her nails relentlessly scratching the razor scab on her wrist as she raises her head once more. ‘I need to report a crime... several crimes.’ 

Don clears his throat; his worst fears realised. _Which_ _,_ _or both of you?!_ _Has Olivia’s past week of leave been a_ _ruse_ _..?_  

‘I... I need you to watch this, with preferably Fin,’ Alex’s voice wavers only slightly as she retrieves and passes the heinous CD to the Captain. ‘It’ll be disturbing to watch and is incredibly unnerving for me to share. But I can’t allow this to continue... Especially with...’ she stops herself, not wanting to disclose Olivia’s involvement, and so taking her power from her. Their gaze meets and holds. 

‘We... _I_ have received threats of violence if I continue my friendship with Alex,’ the detective voices soundly, both women watching confusion flood Don's features. 

‘Is this a favour or an actual Special Victims case?’ he asks the pertinent question. 

Alex exhales a shaky breath, painfully aware this is the moment of no return. Olivia grips the arm of her chair to stop herself clutching her life’s hand.  

‘In _every_ aspect, this _is_ a Special Victims case,’ Alex voices the most powerful sentence of her life. 


	26. No Turning Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex keeps her momentum.
> 
> For Chely99 and M ❤.  
> Sorry wasn't sure what you comment meant Shadowcub.
> 
> Other than one heated chapter in Dogged Determination, I don't think I've ever had so many kudos for one chapter before. THANK YOU ❤

‘Let’s get out of here,’ Olivia suggests gently as they leave Cragen's office, to allow the Captain and Fin time to dissect every frame of the heinous DVD. 

Alex entire body shivers as she puts her head down and stalks to one of the visitor rooms. As soon as they’re safely inside, the spirited attorney faces her detective for the first time since they left the lift. ‘There’s no way I’m leaving this building until he's in custody,’ she states vehemently. _He'll kill you._  

Olivia approaches her but freezes when Alex steps back, her hands raised to ward her off.  

‘Don’t Olivia... I can’t,’ she grits her teeth, shaking her head to rid herself of her worst fears. ‘He'll know we’re _here,’_ Alex swallows thickly. ‘We... _you_ can’t leave until he’s arrested or he'll...’  

‘Okay,’ the detective says, appeasing her trembling soulmate at once. ‘We'll stay.’ 

 

For an interminable amount of time, Olivia watches Alex sit motionless, her eyes glazed and unseeing, as they wait for Cragen and Fin to finish watching her catalogue of abuse.  

The detective’s entire body surges with overwhelming adrenaline, her every nerve yearning to embrace the achingly exquisite vision in front of her; the only tell she’s not marble: the occasional wobble of her lips and near undetectable rise and fall of her chest, as she stares into a darkness one can only begin to imagine.   

‘Lex...’ Olivia tries, her mouth unable to obey her a second longer. 

‘Don’t... Liv,’ Alex warns breathlessly, her quiet anxiety clearly evident in her voice. Her eyes remain focused on unseen flashbacks, encroaching from the recesses of her mind.  

Olivia paces the room, her arms wrapped tightly around her waist, to keep her from comforting _her_ Alex. She paces for over an hour before her frayed psyche demands she sit down opposite her life partner. Alex doesn’t move a muscle, her entire frame frozen in all-consuming lock down. The brunette lowers her eyes, bites her lip and runs her fingers through her hair to restrain herself. 

When she glances back up, the haunted blonde is watching her with a tumultuous mixture of silent emotions. _I have always loved watching you play with your hair,_ the attorney surprises even herself when this thought spears through her self-hate. _What the hell, Cabot?_ her more familiar self-talk shatters the momentary daydream. _You know he’s going to kill you for this? He will_ _brutalise you, and Olivia. And you will only have yourself to blame_ _..._ The one thing keeping Alex from bolting is the woman with the gentlest chocolate brown eyes, the woman who smells of burning wood and spice. _Autumn_ , the attorney’s mind whispers as she inhales deeply.  

 _What the_ _fuck_ _must be_ _going on in that_ _unrelenting_ _head_ _of yours?_ Olivia wonders as she gazes into Alex’s soul. The EADA looks away before the detective can gain a handle on anything concrete. _But one thing_ _s for sure_ _, Alexandra Cabot is primed to bolt... and I_ _won’t_ _stop her if she tries_ _._ Olivia exhales a steadying breath. ‘How much longer is this going to take?’ _Wow_ _! Subtle_ _Benson!_ _Fucks sake!_  

But the blunt question somehow breaches the walls of Alex's frozen fortress. ‘You can leave, you know!’ Alex snaps, not unsurprisingly; fire instantly blazing in her cool eyes.  

Olivia raises her hands in surrender and apology. ‘I didn’t mean...’ she struggles, her mouth painfully dry.  

Alex checks her watch before meeting the brunettes gaze once more, her face ashen. ‘A while yet.’ 

 

Three hours, forty eight minutes later:

A quiet knock on the door sounds the first visitor in over five hours. 

Olivia flexes her shoulders as she glances at Alex, waiting for her to give the visitor/s permission to enter. The attorney quickly hides her spooked reaction by stretching her neck, causing the detective’s gaze to follow the swan like curve of her throat. _Jesus! Stop! Benson!_  

‘Come... in,’ Alex finally croaks before swallowing the lump lodged in her throat, trying again. ‘Come in.’ 

The door opens. Olivia notices her soulmate recoil slightly as Cragen and Fin enter the room. The expressions on their faces cause Alex’s mind to erupt in utter humiliation and shame. _Oh God! Fucking... What have you done, you_ _stupid_ _girlie?!_ _They’re looking at you with sympathy, you attention seeking whore! Is attention what you wanted? Well, you’ve got it_ _n_ _ow,_ _you dirty little_ _slut!_ Alex abruptly cradles her head in her hands; the realisation that her family secrets are no longer hidden, insidiously silent, knocking the breath out of her. 

Don and Fin watch in shocked awe as their former colleague, friend, family member falls apart in front of them. Olivia bursts through her own uncertainties to sit next to Alex, her hand lightly squeezing the broken attorney's bicep in the only appropriate comforting gesture she can think of. The fact Alex doesn’t flinch away from her touch means more than the detective will ever voice. _Christ, I love you!_  

 

Finally, Alexandra Cabot unfurls herself from her foetal position and wipes her eyes. Both men are sat across the table from her, their features grey and drawn. She meets their gaze, before thinking better of it, their eyes conveying a heartache she is not yet ready to process.  

A humiliating whimper escapes her lips before she clears her throat in a futile attempt to hide it. _Oh God!_ _Look at them, you coward!_  

Alex squares her shoulders and swallows the bile invading her mouth. ‘I need you to arrest them... him... _Please,’_ her near begging tone breaking their hearts. 

‘Chicago PD are going to his work and home addresses as we speak,’ Cragen states gruffly as Olivia breathes a quiet sigh of relief.  

‘What if he’s not there?’ Alex voices, her words anything but celebratory. It crushes the detectives soul. _A truly terrified_ _victim... truly terrified for me._ She sniffs to stem the Judas tears.   

‘Then we'll hunt him down til we corner ‘im,’ Fin growls passionately, his fists clenched on the table in front of him. 

‘I’m so sorry, Alex...’ Cragen begins. 

‘Don,’ the attorney cringes, cutting him off. ‘You'll need to take my statement and...’ she instructs, her demeanour completely changing. 

‘How do you feel about providing that statement now?’ 

‘Cap!’ Olivia states, scathingly, wanting to protect Alex in any futile fashion she can.  

The attorney turns to her soulmate then. ‘This needs to be done by the book, Liv. I need you to leave this room, but stay within ten metres of that door,’ Alex points to the visitors room door as she eyes Olivia. She doesn’t lower her fierce gaze until the detective nods her acquiesce. The attorney senses Don’s and Fin’s slight confusion. She turns to them. ‘You need to send CSU to my apart...’ 

‘Already done,’ Cragen affirms with a nod, indulging the attorney’s need to regain some control. 

Alex nods her approval. ‘There’ll be some photographs and a letter addressed to me that threatens both myself and Olivia,’ she further explains, as comprehension flickers across Fin and Cragen's features. ‘The letter will be suggestive of something that’s...’ Alex pauses, her face radiating colour for the first time in hours. ‘It will show the level of my families depraved superiority.’ 

Fin snorts dismissively. ‘I think we’re already gettin’ a handle on that!’ he states before regretting every word. ‘I’m...’ 

‘Don’t,’ the blonde softens her gaze. ‘I need you anger, your rage. But I also need you to keep your heads to _not_ fuck this up. Because if _one_ little detail is missed, his defence team...’ the detectives look at her in shock. ‘Yes, his defence _team_ will find it and ensure he is freed to kill me, and my... and Olivia.’ 

‘We’ll get him, Alex. There’s no way...’ 

‘Complacency has no place in this case, Fin,’ she argues heatedly.  

‘Let’s begin that statement shall we...’  the Captain suggests. His cell interrupts him. ‘It's CSU...’he states unnecessarily as he answers. ‘Cragen.’ Within seconds his eyes narrow on Alex as he stands from the table in alarm, his face sickly pale. ‘Bring him in.’ 

 _What the fuck?!_  

 _Jesus Christ!_  


	27. Early Stages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex struggles through the early stages of her investigation. 
> 
> For M, artemiskitty and Chely99 ❤

‘He was in my apartment.’ It is a statement, not a question. The Captain nods his head, swallowing back the nausea. Both Olivia and the attorney read him expertly. ‘What aren’t you telling us?’  

Cragen clears his throat and avoids their enquiring eyes. ‘They found him hidden in your closet.’ Alex opens her mouth to speak but Cragen raises his hand to silence her. ‘Has he ever used a weapon on you?’ 

Alex freezes, her eyes innately finding Olivia as they wait for more heinous details. _He was going to kill_ _you_ _._ ‘No.’ 

‘He had a kitchen knife... He was wearing a bullet-proof vest,’ Don reveals, eyeing his detective with caution. ‘You didn’t threaten him, Liv?’  

The brunette audibly growls as Alex stands abruptly, taking the focus away from her soulmate. ‘Liv would _never_ do such a thing and you _know_ it!’ 

Cragen ignores the seething attorney. ‘I know _you._ But I also _know_ you around Alex.’  

‘What the _fuck_ does that mean?’ the livid brunette stands, her tone indignant, causing Fin and Alex to come between Captain and detective.  

‘Liv...’ 

‘I’ll handle this,’ Alex states firmly, interrupting Fin. She turns to Cragen with her iciest glare. ‘What the _fuck_ does _that_ mean?’ 

Don bravely stands his ground. ‘It _means,_ since the moment you first latched eyes on each other, you’ve been about as _s_ _ubtle_ as Donald Trump on speed,’ he replies bluntly, staring down his detective and _her_ attorney; his brutal honesty terrifying them both. ‘The squads _known_ for _years_.’ 

Alex retreats slowly, cautiously, like she’s backing away from a predator. Her breathing shallows as her mind erupts once more. _How_ _could I be THAT_ _stupid? What a fucking joke? Terrified to be someone everyone else already kn_ _e_ _w_ _you_ _were_ _._ _.._ _What the... They_ _knew_ _! T_ _he_ _Cla_ _n... They_ _knew as soon as Liv_ _entered_ _the Cabot_ _househ_ _old.._ _._ The blonde cradles her head, terrified her cranium will explode. She inhales a shuddering breath as her rioting mind changes direction, jarring her. _He was hiding like some sociopathic deviant, waiting to_ _assault_ _me, attack my soulmate... Everybody will_ _or already knows_ _my two most sacred secrets: that I have been in love with Olivia Benson since she chased Taco down the hall._ _That I have been systematically brutalised by my grandfather, father, brother and through a lack of action, my mother, since I_ _was a girl._ Alex has never felt more exposed, more _naked_ in her life. ‘I need to get... out...’ she stutters as her soulmate approaches her cautiously.  

Fin takes a step forward, his own approach careful and considered. ‘When I found out Ken was gay, I thought: ‘Nah, not my son!’ he starts somewhat unhelpfully. ‘But only because I wanted him to have an easy life, you know? Black _and_ gay?’ He gives Alex a knowing look. ‘But he’ll _always_ be my kid. Being gay don’t make him any less... He’s a good kid. I’m proud of him for bein’ himself,’ he finishes, his voice shaking with rare emotion.  

The willowy attorney steps past Olivia to fully acknowledge Fin, her hand squeezing his forearm. ‘I wish you’d been my family,’ she whispers. 

‘We are,’ he assures her, tapping her hand awkwardly; _desperate_ to avoid overstepping her physical boundaries.  

Alex searches each face in the room. Every head nods, every brow softens, every eye moistens and echoes the love shared by this elite and close-knit squad.  

‘We are family, Alex. We _will_ stand by you, _if_ you allow us,’ Cragen affirms as her traitorous mind tears her apart. 

 _Family_ _..?_ _Family is an abusive cult_ _,_ _hell bent on_ _destroying_ _every_ _original thought, value, opinion, feeling,_ _until you’re just a vessel_ _controlled and peppered by_ _deviance_ _._ _Family is rotten..._ _Will you abuse my trust_ _?_ _M_ _y love? Will_ _you.... Stop, Cabot! Cabot?_ _I’m a_ _fucking_ _Cabot! Cabot’s aren’t gay._ _You perverted_ _sonofa_ _..._ _But_ _then,_ _why hurt_ _Xav_ _?_ _Xav_ _..._ _Why_ _.._ _?_  

‘Alex?’ Olivia interrupts her internal diatribe, stepping into her line of vision. ‘What do you need?’  

 _Why did you wait over_ _1_ _0 years_ _, 20_ _t_ _o.._ _?_ _All those years of_ _pain,_ _terror_ _and_ _shame_ _._ _.._ _‘_ _Did you like that, girlie? You want some more?_ _’_ _Did I like_ _it_ _.._ _?_ _!_ _What the..? Why didn_ _’_ _t you do anything? Say_ _anything_ _.._ _?_ _Because they_ _’d_ _have killed me, hurt Liv... He'll_ _kill_ _me and_ _take my_ _Olivia_ _.._ _!_ _He'll..._ _‘NO!’_ her sudden scream fills the waiting room, causing Olivia, Fin and Cragen to tremble slightly as Alex reveals her inner agony in catastrophic fashion. 

When her legs buckle from under her, only Olivia’s proximity saves her from meeting the hard floor. When Alex fights against her touch, the detective lowers her quickly and safely, then backs off; her heart breaking as her struggling soulmate folds herself into a ball on the floor. 

‘We need help here, Liv,’ Cragen states factually, recognising the clear signs of PTSD.  

‘Give me a minute,’ she seethes; furious with Cragen for goading Alex earlier, loathing the idea of _anyone_ else seeing her like this. She quickly rummages through Alex’s bag. Finding what she’s searching for, Olivia grabs a neglected cup of water and slowly approaches her. ‘Lex... can you hear me?’ 

Alex doesn’t respond, her trauma'd panic too far gone to sense anything beyond her current flashback. Her body so slick with sweat, her clothes stick to her as her breathing reaches a terrifying rhythm.  

 _Jesus,_ _Lex_ _!_ _How do_ _I.._ _?_ The detective makes a split-second decision. _Try._ ‘I’m going to sit down beside you.’ She actions her statement. ‘I’m going to put a Valium in your mouth and then some water...’ _How the hell am I going to do this?_ Just when Olivia is about to attempt to action her words, Alex leans into her, wrapping her arms around the detective’s waist, her grip desperate as though she’s drowning. Olivia drops the Valium and envelops her soulmate in her arms, rocking her comfortingly as she prays her reason for living survives this torment.  

The despairing attorney nuzzles blindly into Olivia’s chest; her need for comfort, for love, for safety utterly overwhelming, as fresh images of past tortures pummel her psyche. _Stop! Please stop! Oh God... They..._ _Don’t_ _!_ _Liv! Stop them! PLEASE!_  

Her nails claw at Olivia’s back and sides as she attempts to ward off her latest attacker. The detective embraces her tighter still, wincing silently. ‘I’m here. Your Olivia is here. Your grandfather and father are dead. Your brother is in police custody. None of them can hurt you now. You are _safe_. Alex, you are safe now, in the precinct, with me. I’m here sweetie...’  

Only once Alex's body stops trembling, does Olivia realise her face is drenched with tears. _Christ Alex!_ At some point, both Cragen and Fin left the waiting room. _To give_ _us_ _space? To call for help? Who_ _knows?_  

When Alex finally lifts her head, Olivia leans back to search those iridescent orbs. ‘Hey sweetie,’ she whispers, sweeping stray hairs from her life partners face.  

‘Hey,’ Alex whispers back, grimacing in mortification that she suffered a panic attack and flashbacks _here,_ in front of two of her... 

‘I’m here, Lex. I’m here. I love you,’ Olivia assures her, detracting them both by focusing _sole_ _ly_ on them. 

‘I love you,’ Alex mumbles as she nuzzles into her soulmates intoxicating safety, her beautiful curves.  

 

A knock on the door causes Olivia to extricate herself from her limpet. ‘I’ve got to...’ Said limpet tries with all her might to remain attached but the detective's stronger frame wins out. 

She opens the door an inch to spy the unwelcome visitor. _Fin_. Olivia steps aside to let him in. 

‘Sorry we left you guys. Thought you’d want some...’ 

‘What’s happening Fin?’ Olivia interrupts him; her soulmate her _only_ concern. 

‘He's in Interrogation Room One,’ he replies at once. ‘Cap wondered if Alex might be up to a line up?’ he adds sheepishly, knowing the probable answer. 

‘I’ll speak to her,’ Olivia promises as Fin respectfully leaves once more.  

When the detective turns back to her life partner, she’s surprised to find her sitting up. Exhausted, deathly pale, but sitting up. _My_ _spirited_ _heroine._   

Before Olivia can impart Fin’s unlikely request, Alex acquiesces, her voice wavering but clear. ‘Can you call Christina and request her be my attorney?’ 

‘Only if you eat something.’  

 

45 minutes later 

Having picked at a canteen sandwich and guzzled two strong coffees, Alex stands, wired, waiting for her brother to enter the line-up room in front of her. Christina, her trainee ADA and newly appointed attorney, is by her side. Also present is Captain Cragen, the most senior and _only_ ethical choice to be lead investigator.  

The defence team is _painfully_ obvious: Lionel Granger, Roger Kressler and John Buchannan. Alex knows _exactly_ why her brother appointed three defence attorneys. _Three rapists, three sleazebags... I’m pathetic!_ Alex self-admonishes, her mind straying back to the panic attack... _Stop. Think. Concentrate._ The concoction of exhaustion, Valium, coffee and too little food fraying her nerves.  

A green, rape counsellor was ordered from the room on sight. _Just no,_ Alex decided within milliseconds. _I don’t need sympathy. I need justice_...  

Cragen clears his throat beside her. ‘Alex...’ _Concentrate!_ ‘Do you see your attacker?’ The attorney coughs to hide her humiliation at being so immersed in her own head, she hadn’t noticed the line-up had commenced. _Breathe_. 

‘Alleged!’ Lionel snipes at once.  

Alex eventually focuses on the six men standing in the brightly lit room. _Breathe_. She stares at each man bar _him_. Her gut clenches as she avoids his face entirely, moving on to number five hurriedly.  

‘Alex?’ Cragen prompts. 

Her every muscle stiffens as she wills herself to look at her rapist brother. _Look at him_ _,_ _Go_ _d_ _d_ _am_ _n_ _it_ _!_ Conflicting emotions surge through her as she takes in his familiar features: striking, handsome, Nordic. His body: tall, lean, surprisingly powerful. His internal makeup: frightened, self-serving, depraved. 

Alex’s entire body remains frozen, her insides trembling with fear, shame and stomach-curdling rage. ‘Number four... My... brother, Xavier Jeremiah Cabot.’ 

‘Okay, thank you Alex,’ Christina states warmly, her words conveying the line-up is over. 

Surprisingly, the defence team file out without further comment. _As a sign of respect for_ _their_ _colleague_ _,_ _on the other side of the fence?_ _Probably not,_ Olivia surmises, her nose having been pressed against the line-up viewing room door, until Alex almost breaks it in her haste to leave. 

‘Sorry,’ she says, automatically, her mind anywhere but here. The detective doesn’t say a word, her little finger linking with the ashen-faced attorneys for milliseconds before withdrawing. _I’m so proud of you._  

‘She did fine,’ Christina acknowledges Olivia’s silent plea for affirmation, without over-egging Alex’s skill in identifying her brother. It’s the reason Alex always liked her.  

 

Alex, Olivia, Christina and Cragen return to the visitor’s room.  

Don takes a seat whilst all three women remain standing. ‘Okay,’ he says to fill the awkward void. ‘Alex, I think it best you have a pelvic exam,’ he suggests practically. 

‘He...’ her face floods with colour for only the second time tonight. ‘He hasn't attacked...’ She knows using the word will help her heal. ‘He hasn’t raped me in eight weeks. Any physical evidence will be long gone,’ she argues expertly.  

‘But it’s best we follow due process, Alex...’ Cragen counters logically.  

‘There _won’t_ be any physical evidence! We all know after 120 hours...’ 

‘But they’ll be...’ Don pauses, realising he’s revealing too much, especially in front of Olivia.  

The detective’s entire being surges with seething rage. ‘Cap, you’ve already pissed me off once tonight...’ 

‘I know. I’m sorry I was a little insensitive earlier...’ 

‘What happened?’ Christina suddenly asks, reminding them a non-family member is present. 

‘Nothing relevant!’ Alex shuts down further comment, her body shivering with dread and an overdose of caffeine. The room goes deathly quiet. 

Cragen taps his desks to stop himself refuting _that_ last comment. He knows he’s pushed her too hard , twice. _A little rusty after so many years of_ _politics and_ _delegation._  

‘I do agree with the Cap that a pelvic exam would be a good idea...’ Christina voices her opinion. Alex throws her an icy stare. _Shit!_ ‘What would you say to a vic... a survivor, in your position?’ Christina bravely asks.  

This is when Alex loathes her fledgling ADA. Few people, bar Olivia Benson and... _them... him_ _,_ have the balls to defy Alexandra Cabot. ‘Fine!’ _But_ _I’ll_ _be damned if_ _you_ _find out_ _about_ _my_ _... the_ _miscarriage..._ Alex decides, choosing the humiliation of _a_ _nother_ pelvic exam over revealing the heinous fact her brother’s last rape resulted in pregnancy. She _feels_ Olivia’s eyes bore into her as she kicks the nearest chair, causing it to clatter against the wall.  

After this final act of rebellion, Alex promptly sits down as her energy stores crash, following hours of adrenaline and caffeine fuelled determination. She rakes her fingers through her hair; her frame still maintaining it’s graceful deportment, even when exhausted.  

‘Uh... Alex?’ The attorney snaps her head up to scowl at Cragen, her eyes radiating _What_ _the fuck_ _now?_ ‘I can imagine how tired you...’ 

‘Spit it _out,_ Don!’ Alex snaps, her nerves frayed and exposed.  

‘Statement or pelvic?’  

 _Fuck!_  


End file.
